Star Traks: Banshee "Two of a Kind" By Brad Dusen There was a certain feeling that you get waking up in the morning. A warm fuzzy feeling of total contentment as one lays in bed, surrounded by total warmth. Nothing in the world mattering outside that cocoon of heated splendor. Commander Tagel Axik sighed peacefully as she was overcome with that same feeling. Not wanting to leave her paradise of warmth of her swiftly approaching bridge shift. She glanced over to the chronometer on the wall. She had half an hour before her alarm would go off. She closed her eyes and drifted off. There was a certain rhythm to the world. The soft, steady hum of the Banshee's warp engines, the slow, steady tempo of Jad breathing as he slept next to her. All was right in the world. All was peaceful. Axik felt her consciousness released as she drifted off to sleep. BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Axik shot her head up, rubbing her eyes. It couldn't be. There was still half an hour left. She looked at the chronometer. Half an hour had passed. "Son of a pah-wraith!" She muttered as she climbed out of bed and tossed her robe on over her night gown. "Wake up, hon." She said as she rocked Jad. His soft snoring halted and he began to slowly move. Axik disrobed and hopped in the shower. Halfway across the saucer section, Lieutenant Commander Ben Rachow rolled over in bed smiled at his night's companion. "You were great." He said as he patted the head of his inflatable woman. He rolled out of bed and stretched out. There were clothes strewn over his floor, mostly casual wear and a few uniforms. He walked over to his closet and pulled a clean uniform off the hanger. Then his door chime sounded. Ben glanced over at the chronometer, wondering who could be ringing him so early in the morning. He walked over to the door while pinning his com badge, rank pips on his uniform and putting his authorization clearance chip in the pocket. "What do you want..." Ben muttered as the door opened. His eyes widened when he saw who was looking back at him, but before he could say anything, he was hit in the chest by a phaser blast and sent flying backwards. Axik emerged from the shower, toweling her long, curly red hair off. She furrowed her brow as she saw Jad still curled up in bed. "Jad, you need to get up." She said as she stood under the wall mounted hair dryer. In a few seconds, her hair was dried off. Jad made some form of grunt in response and rolled over. Axik slid her dark gray turtleneck on and fastened her 3 black rank pips. Section 31's pips were inverse of normal Starfleet's. Instead of a solid gold pip, it was solid obsidian to match the uniforms. Instead of a black with gold trim pip for a half rank, it was gold with black trim. Communicator badges were similar in that the normally white center of the chevron was an obsidian-like metal with gold trim and a different back design. "Wake uuuuuup!" She sang as she zipped up her outer jacket. Jad rolled over again in response. "Hey! Get up!" Axik snapped. Jad groaned again. Axik walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. She ran her hand over Jad's forehead. "Oh my, you're burning up." "My throat hurts." Jad said softly. "Open your mouth and let me see." Axik said. Jad opened his mouth. Axik took a palm beacon and looked at his throat. "EWWW!" She pulled back. "Your tonsils are secreting some sort of green goop." "Is that normal?" Jad asked weakly. "Well Charlotte once told me that Romulans secrete green goop, but from someplace else." Axik said. "I'll have Dr. Issac come down and take a look at you, but you're staying in bed today, understood?" "Yes Ma'am." "Good boy. I'll be down later to see how you're doing." She kissed Jad on the forehead and headed out. "First Officer's Log, Stardate 53485.3: The Banshee is en route to Lylara VII, the site of a Section 31 arctic research center. Somehow, everyone in the base has somehow managed to get their tongues stuck to lamp posts all over the complex. Since the Banshee is the closest ship in range, we are the base's only hope for ever being able to taste again." Charlotte paused as she paced the bridge after making her log entry. "Am I the only one who's starting to notice that it's not just something about this ship?" "No, I've noticed it too." Vince said. "Just checking." Charlotte turned over to the science side station where Liz sat analyzing sensor data. "Doctor, any headway on the mysterious radiation bursts we've been monitoring?" Liz froze. "You remembered me reporting that?" A look of sheer astonishment was frozen on Dr. Lang's face. "I'm not as incompetent as everyone thinks." Charlotte huffed. "I can be responsible too, you know." "Smith to Burns, your cat got loose on Deck 13. We need your permission to use the heavy tranquilizers on her before she can castrate someone with its claws like she did to Ensign Chadwell." Charlotte huffed. "Bad timing, Commander. Just catch her. Use whatever means necessary short of breaking her legs." "Damn, you never let me have any fun! Smith out." The turbolift doors opened and Ben trotted out and down the ramp to his station. "Commander, you're half an hour late!" Charlotte scolded. "Sorry, don't get your panties in a knot, Miss Bossy!" Ben said as he waved his hand at Charlotte and sat down. Charlotte furrowed her brow. Something seemed different about Ben, but she couldn't place it. Was it the hair? No... The uniform? No... The hot pink feather boa? Perhaps... She rubbed her chin and leaned back against her chair. "Commander Rachow, what's our ETA?" "Umm, how do I read these thingies again?" Ben squinted at the jumble of data readouts and controls that covered the conn panel. "It's in that box in the corner that says ETA." Axik leaned over and pointed to him. "Oh, that is so fantastic! It says we'll be in the Lylara System by 1800 hours tomorrow." Vince came strolling out of the turbolift and down the ramp holding a PADD. "I got those diagnostics of the ventral phaser bank you wanted." He said as he handed the PADD to Charlotte. "Thank you, Commander." Charlotte said as she sipped her coffee and read the report. Ben spun around in his chair. "Vincent! Just the person I wanted to see!" He said, lisping every S in the sentence. "Why?" Vince replied worriedly as he backed up towards his station. "I was wondering if you could join me in my quarters for lunch?" Ben said as he sauntered after Vince. "You're not going to tar and feather me, are you?" Vin replied nervously as he cowered by his console, holding onto the guard rail with one hand. "Hehehehe." Ben giggled. "Oh Vincent, you're such a card!" He playfully smacked Vin on the shoulder. 'HELP ME!' He mouthed to Charlotte, who was watching the conversation with her eyebrow raised. "So what do you say, sillybuns?" Ben asked. Vince swallowed hard and squeaked "Ok." "Fabulous!" Ben pranced down to his station and took his seat. "Out of the way!" Commander Dan Smith bellowed as he hurtled himself through a crowd of officers. "Move! Move! Move!" Dan was panting hard, his hunting instincts kicking in. He rounded the corner, then another, his eyes peeled over a long stretch of hallway as he rounded another corner, only to be confronted with Counselor Emily Stokes standing there, holding a gray cat in her arms. "Counselor!" Dan called out in surprise. "What are you doing with that cat?" Emily pet the animal softly and the cat gave a soft purring sound in response. "I was on my way to my office and I saw her wandering around." She rubbed the cat's chin. "She sure is a cute little thing." Dan paused. "That can't be Charlotte's cat, then." He looked at her name tag. It read: " 'Fluffy' Property of Charlotte Burns." "Hmm, Charlotte must have had her groomed and trained since the last time I saw her." Dan said as he hung his phaser rifle over his shoulder. "This is such a sweet cat." Emily said as the cat nuzzled up to her hand. "Or perhaps performed an exorcism on the cat..." Dan muttered. "Here, I'll take her back to Charlotte's quarters." "Alright." Emily handed Fluffy to Dan. "Thank you for finding her, Counselor." Dan said as he walked down the hallway. "No problem." Emily called back. She smiled and rounded the corner and walked up to her office door. It immediately opened. 'Hmmm, that's odd...' She thought to herself. 'I thought I locked it.' Emily walked in and immediately noticed a smell in the air. It was slightly spicy. 'That smells like incense.' She thought. 'But I don't use incense, that's what those evil hippies like to use.' Emily set her PADDs down on her desk and looked around. "Is anyone in here?" She called out. "Hello?" She pressed the wall light switch. The recessed lights in the ceiling brightened, illuminating some shadows. Emily walked forward and looked around. She froze as the sound of something rustling in the house plant came from behind her. She slowly turned around and cried out in terror. Commander Smith approached the door of Charlotte's quarters. It was locked. He reached to the PADD on the wall to enter his access code when his hand was smacked away. He looked over to see Charlotte standing in a leather bikini, holding a whip, with what appeared to be Captain Vorezze on a leash, blindfolded and on all fours. "Ummm..." Dan looked around nervously, cradling Fluffy in his arms. "Hello Commander." "Can I help you, Lieutenant Commander?" Charlotte snapped as she tapped her foot, which was currently in a black vinyl high heeled go-go boot. "I found your cat." Dan said as he shook Fluffy gently in his arms. Charlotte sighed, not facing Dan. "Give the creature to me." Dan did so, handing the furry gray kitty over to Charlotte, who cradled it in her arms. There was a long pause as Dan stared with wide eyes at Charlotte and the leashed Jad. "Err, hello... Captain..." He said after a few moments. Jad nodded underneath his tight leather blindfold. "Hi." He said weakly. Charlotte grabbed her whip and lashed Jad across the back. "You will speak only when I tell you!" She whipped him three more times, then tucked the whip into a holster she had hanging off her belt. "Well, umm, I think I'll be heading up to the bridge." Dan said as he slowly backed away. "I, err, uh, have to go and, umm, write a report on that mutant alligator in the water treatment system." Dan dashed off. Charlotte smiled. "He didn't suspect a thing." She pet Jad on the head gently. Going against his better judgement but nonetheless dressed in his finest casual clothing, Commander Vince DiSanto hopped off the turbolift and walked up to the door to Commander Ben Rachow's quarters. He inhaled deeply, preparing himself for whatever humiliation Ben had in store for him and then rang the bell. "Come i-in!" Ben sang from the other side of the door. Vince hesitantly trudged in as the doors split apart. The inside of Ben's quarters were darkened. "Commander?" "In the bedro-oom!" Ben sang. Vin furrowed his brow and walked in. He found Ben laying on the bed, wearing a black leather vest with bright pink hot pants that matched the feather boa that he had draped over him. In the dim lighting, he could see that Ben had shaved his legs. "What the hell!" Vince yelped as he backed up. He turned to run when he came face to face with what he first thought was a mirror. "Oh my god!" Vince backed up again as his mirror image walked forward. Before he could call security, he was hit in the chest with a phaser blast and fell unconscious to the floor. "Oh good work, Vinnie." Ben flashed a grin at the mirror image of Vince. He reached over and slapped Vince on the rear end. "Hey, dat's what I'm paid to do." Vinnie shrugged, speaking in a New York City Italian accent. "And please, hands off da goods, you know I ain't into dat. Now where do ya want 'im?" "Just, umm, drag him under the bed with the my sadly straight doppelganger." Ben lisped. "No problem." Vinnie pushed Vince under Ben's bed. The soup smelled very good. It was made fresh, completely real, too. It was chicken noodle, fresh from the Twilight Zone's kitchen. Real chicken meat, tender noodles and 7 secret herbs and spices. Axik stood holding the bowl as the turbolift hummed along. An ensign next to her leaned over and sniffed the aroma drifting off the steaming bowl. "Back away, it's not for you!" Axik slapped the ensign upside the head. The officer shrank back to the far side of the lift as lift came to a halt. He remained there for a moment as Axik left, carefully carrying the steaming bowl of soup. She slowly trotted down the hallway, maintaining a perfect balance of the soup bowl. She heard what sounded like barking up ahead. But it sounded like someone making that noise, not a real dog. "Roll over!" A woman's voice ordered. Axik peered around the corner and saw Jad, bound up in leather and wearing a blindfold, rolling around on the floor while Charlotte stood laughing in a leather body wrap and spiky-heeled boots. "What the hell!?" Axik screamed as she rounded the corner. Charlotte shot up and looked wide-eyed. "Crap, we've been discovered!" She looked around nervously. "You're damn right you've been discovered, now what do you have to say for yourself?" Axik demanded. "We refuse to go back! We can't live like that again! It's so unnatural! This life is paradise compared to our old one! Isn't that right, Jad?" Jad nodded, too afraid to speak. "Oh you are sick! Both of you!!!" Axik ran off down the hallway. She passed the ensign she met in the turbolift. "HERE, EAT UP!" She screamed as she shoved the bowl of soup at him and ran into the turbolift. The ensign paused for a minute, then picked a noodle out of the soup. "Mmm mmm good!" "Deck six!" Axik snapped at the computer as the turbolift doors closed. Her mind was a rush of what she was going to do. How could Jad betray her like this? How could he chose Charlotte of all people? How could she emasculate her boyfriend so that it would be the most painful? She quickly decided on a dull butter knife. The lift stopped and she bolted through the doors to the nearby doors to her and Jad's quarters, muttering curse words to herself. She ran into the bedroom, prepared to throw herself down on the bed and cry when she saw Jad laying there with Dr. Issac sitting in the chair nearby. "How the hell did you get back here so quickly?" Axik demanded. "Wha?" Jad replied groggily. "I've been here since you left this morning." Axik froze. "Then who was that I saw with Charlotte on Deck 8." "He's been here for at least the past two hours that I've been here." Dr. Issac chimed in. "Oh, and he has strep throat, I've given him antibiotics and he'll be fine, thanks for asking." "Computer, who is the man with Commander Burns on Deck 8?" Axik asked. "Captain Jad Vorezze." The computer responded. "Then who is the person laying in bed here?" "Captain Jad Vorezze." Axik furrowed her brow. "What the hell?" "Char, we've just gotten word from that base thingy on Lylara." Ben said as he pointed down at his controls. "Apparently they've gotten their tongues detached from those poles." Ben paused. "Hmm, wonder if they're the kind of poles I like to have my tongue attached to." Charlotte was sitting back in the captain's chair, savoring the built in massage functions Jad added during a refit. She opened her eyes and glanced over at Ben. "What was that last thing you just said?" "Err, nothing." Ben spun around and continued humming the tune of an old song by Madonna. Vinnie came strutting in the doors, his bulging muscles barely able to be contained in Vince's uniform. "Commander DiSanto?" Ensign Gina Spiotta's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when she saw the suddenly hunky Vince. "Have you been working out?" "Yeah, I do all da time." Vinnie said as he flexed in demonstration. "Ooh, I like it." Ensign Spiotta felt Vinnie's biceps. "Mind if we stop by my quarters so I can have my, err, uh, special kind of 'banana split'?" "Ensign, don't you have work to do?" Charlotte turned around. She paused for a second. "Work that doesn't involve a bottle of chocolate syrup and whipped cream?" "Ahh, that brings back good memories." Ben said from the helm. "Sorry, ma'am." Ensign Spiotta trudged off. Charlotte looked Vinnie over. "There's something different about you, Commander..." Charlotte rubbed her chin. "Uhh, what makes ya say dat?" He asked. "I don't know, but I can almost put my finger on it." She narrowed her eyes, then snapped her fingers. "Ahah! Got it." "You do?" Vinnie's eyes widened. "You got a new haircut!" "Uh, yeah, dat's it." "It looks really good on you." Charlotte smiled. "Oh, thanks." Vinnie sat down at tactical. Charlotte sat back down in the command chair. She glanced forward and noticed something by Ben. "Umm, Ben, why do you have a poster of Ricky Martin hanging off your station?" Ben looked around nervously. "Why do you have the same poster attached to the ceiling over your bed, hmmm?" Charlotte paused. "But I was just asking-" "Don't get fresh with me, Missy!" Ben snapped, then turned around. Charlotte rubbed her chin. "There's something strange happening here." "Axik to Burns." The voice rang over the loudspeaker. "Burns here, how can I help you?" "Do you, or have you ever owned a leather bikini and or whip of any kind?" Axik asked. "No, but I once dated a guy who did." "You and me both, sister." Ben sighed dreamily again. "Could you come down to my quarters for a bit? It's urgent." Charlotte hesitantly got up. "Alright. Burns out." She turned to Ben, who was in the process of filing his nails. "Commander, you have the bridge. "Fabulous!" Ben exclaimed. Dan walked into the counseling office, concerned over odd behavior he saw in the crew. "Counselor Stokes?" The air reeked of incense. Dan looked around. He sniffed the air. It wasn't even the good kind that he used. "Counselor?" The lights were off save for candles lit around the room. His first concern was that he may have been interrupting some romantic evening. Then he remembered it was Emily's office he was in. He stumbled forwards and almost tripped on something. He looked down to see Emily on the floor, sitting Indian style with incense and candles burning around her. "Counselor?" "Yes?" Emily asked without opening her eyes from her trance. She wore a ragged looking all black and nearly skin tight outfit. Her normally lush curly black hair hung limply to her sides and her dark brown lips were painted with black lipstick. She had a spiked dog collar around her neck. "Well, I just wanted to talk to you, I'm becoming concerned about a few people on this ship. They seem to be acting like their polar opposites." "Screw them, screw them all..." Emily said solemnly. Dan sniffed the air. The incense was masking something. It smelled like something burning. Dan tried to place it. Burning grass, yes, that was it! Why would Emily be burning grass? "So, err, uh, you're, err, looking, um, rather different today." Dan nodded nervously. "Dark on the inside, dark on the outside, whatever." Emily said as she swayed slightly in her stupor. "Feeling okay?" "I feel the demons inside me yearning to get out." Emily said. "The rage of this bullsh*t world building up inside me." "I was thinking more of whether or not you were just having that time of the month." Dan said nervously. "Hey, mind if I use your bathroom?" "It doesn't matter to me." Emily said morbidly. "You're right, Commander, that does seem very unusual." Charlotte said as she and Axik walked down a hallway on deck 15. They rounded the corner and found an engineer standing by the guard rail by the main engineering cargo loading door on the deck below it. "Ensign, what are you doing?" Axik turned to the sobbing young man. "I can't take this anymore! I can't take this life, these people laughing at me!" "Shouldn't you go talk to Counselor Stokes?" "I did, she told me to do this!" The man said. "Goodbye cruel world!" "That fall won't kill you." Charlotte warned. The ensign hurled himself off the balcony and down onto the lower level where he landed with a thud. "OWW! I think I hurt my arm." "Told ya." Charlotte called after him. Axik turned to her. "Why would Counselor Stokes advise someone to commit suicide? That's a sin in her beliefs." "Hey, what are you doing with that frying pan!?" Someone called out below them. "I'm going to end this!" There was a hollow clunking sound. "OWW!" "I think we should go pay the good counselor a visit." Dan puttered around softly and quietly in a back room of Emily's office, looking for something, anything that could be a clue into Emily's sudden transformation. He looked around in the dark lighting. 'PADDs with patient files, copies of the bible,' Dan thought, then walked over to a plant that was growing in the corner with hand-like narrow green leaves, 'What the heck is this?' He glanced over to a chair and saw what appeared to be a foot extruding from it. He moved the chair aside and found Emily laying there, unconscious with some form of a gas mask over here that seemed to be keeping her sedated. Before Dan could do anything else, Emily lurched out from the shadows behind him and grabbed him by the neck, strangling him with all her might. Dan fought back and tried to shake Emily off of him to no avail. Charlotte and Axik ran through the corridors. Axik tapped her combadge. "Tagel to Smith." From the other end came a grunting noise, followed by repeated loud bangs against a hard surface. There was more grunting, louder, and a woman's voice was audible too. The thumping was heard again, then the sound of something being knocked over. "Ahhh, oohh!" The woman moaned. "Oh f-ck, I can't get her off!" Dan mumbled. "Stop bouncing and hold still!" The woman ordered. "Let go of my neck!" The man cried. "And get off my back!" "Must be Dan's found a lucky lady." Charlotte said. They reached the door to Emily's office. "Computer, override lock, authorization Burns beta three three tango epsilon four." "Unable to comply, the lock is not engaged." The computer shot back. Charlotte reached to press the open button. "Commander!" Ben scampered up behind her. "Just the woman I was looking for!" "Good god what now!?" Charlotte rested her head against the wall. Axik blinked at Ben. "Is that eyeliner, Commander?" "Yeppers, I think it brings out my eyes." Ben smiled for a moment, flattered. "Char, I think we have a situation on board the ship. Commander Smith reports that there are some intruders on the ship." "We were thinking the same thing." Axik noted. "Danny boy!" Ben giggled. Dan rounded the corner. Axik looked at him. His hair was plain brown, but the last time she checked, Dan's was dyed magenta. He also wore a pure white uniform and matching white cowboy hat. "Yes..." he looked with disgust at Ben, "You?" "Well, I found those 'intruders' you were looking for." Ben winked at Dan. "Don't wink at me like that, you queer." Dan spoke with a thick Southern accent. Then he seemed to snap to his senses. "Yes, Commander Tagel, we have reason to believe that crew members are being replaced by doubles of each other." "I'm glad you seem to have noticed that too." Charlotte eyed at him suspiciously. "If you two lil' ladies will just come with me." Dan said as he pulled two pairs of handcuffs off his belt. "What!?" Axik screamed. "Come with me, or we will force you two." Dan glared at Axik from under the brim of the cowboy hat. "Let me just see what's behind this door." Axik reached for the release. "Stop!" Ben smacked her hand away. "Do you have a problem, LIEUTENANT Commander!?" Axik demanded. "Do you have a problem with touching things!?" Ben shot back. Charlotte hit the door release and they parted to reveal Dan and Emily strangling each other. "Dan!" Axik shouted as she ran forward to Dan's aid. "Don't move!" The Dan in the white suit shouted as he pulled a Klingon distruptor out from under his jacket. "What the hell is going on here?" Charlotte demanded. Ben started giggling maniacally. "You idiots never even noticed. Our covers were air tight!" Dr. Issac came trotting down the hallway when he paused and saw Dan and Ben taking aim at Charlotte and Axik. He stared at Axik who saw him. With just a facial expression, she managed to tell him to run and find the Captain. "What are you looking at?" Dan turned around and saw Brian. "Run!" Axik shouted. Charlotte slammed the other Dan in the gut and bolted past him. "Dr. Issac. Listen to me, get Captain Vorezze and hide him, there are doubles taking over the ship so if anything seems unusual about him, just get away!" "Got it!" "Now go, and lay low!" "Not a problem!" Brian took off down the hallway. "After him!" Dan huffed. "You got it!" Ben pranced down the hallway after Brian. Dan turned to Charlotte and glared at her. "Come with me or die." Charlotte squeaked, "I'll go." Brian bolted down the hallway, ducking around corners as Ben followed him. Brian was close to the lift, almost there. "Gotcha!" Ben shouted as he eyed Brian from the end of the hallway, keeping his disruptor trained on the midget doctor. Brian looked around in a nervous panic. He pointed towards a spot behind Ben. "Look, it's the Backstreet Boys!" Ben's eyes lit up and he spun around, "WHERE'S MY NICKY-POOH!" He bellowed. Brian ducked into the turbolift. "Deck 10!" He paused, then leaned up against the wall. He quickly noticed Velorn standing beside him. "Oh, Captain..." Brian panted. "I'm so glad I found you. They're taking over the ship, you have to help me..." He looked up. "Hey, what's with the sunglasses, goatee and beret?" "It's like, cool, daddio!" Velorn nodded and smiled. Brian screamed, hit the emergency brake and bolted out of the lift. "Wow... that dude is like... so square." Velorn said to himself. Brian stumbled through the hallway in a nervous panic. He spotted Rayhan up ahead. "Lieutenant. You have to help me!" He panted, then looked up to see that Rayhan had bright blue hair. "AAHHHH!!!!" He screamed then ran away. The Trill pouted and looked hurt. "The barber said it was a good color for me." He whimpered and started to cry. Brian flew down the hallway until he found the door to Captain Vorezze's quarters. He ran the bell. The doors opened and he found Captain Vorezze, looking completely normal. "Captain..." Brian panted, hanging off of Jad from exhaustion. "Captain..." He kept panting. Jad raised his eyebrow. "If you're here to get that PADD with that erotic fantasy story you're writing about you and Antedean ensign in astrometrics before I found it, you're too late." "No..." Brian shook his head. "We're being taken over. People's doubles are replacing them. I have to hide you before they can replace you too." "You're sure it's not just some alien mind control thing like last week when the engineering department ran around clucking like chickens and sitting on eggs?" "I'm positive." "Damn..." Axik and Charlotte marched into The Twilight Zone, where at least a hundred other crewmembers sat on the floor with armed guards watching them. The other Charlotte lay across the bar in a leather string bikini. Jad was curled up on the floor below her and she reached down occasionally to pet his head. "What's going on here?" Axik demanded. "You didn't find the Captain!?" The other Charlotte bellowed. "He's gone into hidin', I'm afraid." The other Dan said. "Lordy Almighty knows where he could be." "At least we now have the second and third in command." Charlotte said as she looked at her two new prisoners. "Including my prude counterpart." "Prude?" Axik restrained the urge to laugh. "Who are you people anyway?" "Prisoners." Charlotte explained. "From the Mirror Universe, as you people call it. We escaped from an Alliance penal asteroid a year ago but have been hunted down by the Klingons and Cardassians ever since. Then we found a rift that brought us into your universe. Now, in order to stay, we have to find a place to live." She pet Jad gently and ran her fingers over his blindfold. "Now we've found the perfect place, and the perfect people to send back to the Mirror Universe so the Alliance will stop looking for us." "You son, err, daughter of a bitch." Axik uttered. "Put them with the others." The mirror Charlotte got up. "And find the Captain! We need him to turn command of the ship over to me so that I can, err, take command..." She turned to the evangelistic Mirror Dan and snarled, "FIND HIM!" "By the power of God I will!" Dan turned and ran out. "Everything is going as planned." Charlotte cackled and pet Jad again. Commander Riley, Captain Velorn, Dr. Issac and Dr. Lang sat in Velorn's quarters with a diagram of the Banshee spread across the coffee table. "We believe that not necessarily many people have been replaced, but it's more that the crew is totally clueless as to what is happening." Velorn said. "As long as they don't have Captain Vorezze, they can't make him turn control of the ship over to the Mirror Charlotte." Liz added. "What about Dan?" Brian asked. "He evaded capture somehow, but he hasn't turned up since, but he did suspend his own authorization codes so the mirror Dan can't use them." "We need to find him," Velorn said, "He has the key card to the weapons cache, and we can't hope to retake the ship without weapons." "Agreed." Dave said. "I think we need to get moving as quickly as possible, before anyone else gets replaced." They got up and headed for the door. "And remember, at all costs, avoid getting caught!" Liz stressed. They walked through the doors into the hallway and found themselves surrounded by several armed guards with the Mirror Dan in the center "God damn it!" "Well well well, look what the cat dragged in." The mirror Charlotte smiled wryly as she watched Dan march in the last of the senior staff. The mirror Jad smirked a little when he saw the look on Liz's face when she saw Charlotte. Charlotte took out her whip and beat Jad across the back. "Speak only when you're spoken to!" She bellowed as she whipped him. "Bridge to Burns, we're approaching the rift." The Mirror Axik said from the bridge. "Excellent. Prepare for a mass transport to the asteroid." Charlotte grinned. "You realize Section 31 won't let you keep the Banshee. As soon as they find out, they'll beam us back through the rift." Liz said. "That's all fine and good, but the only thing preventing the rift from collapsing on itself is a probe we have in there. Once we've replaced you, we will destroy the probe and seal you in." Charlotte began to cackle evilly. "Smith to Burns, I've found the Captain, we're pursuing him now." Dan said in his thick drawl over the comm. "As you can see, there is no way out. The Banshee is now ours." "Do you really want to close our your old life forever?" Axik asked. "What?" Axik stood up. "Won't you miss anything from the Mirror Universe? People you know? The loving care of your overmaster?" Charlotte sighed. "I remember the way Master Glargh used to make me put on a French maid outfit and play 'Stupid Human Gets Abused By Big Klingon.'" Ben looked misty. "He did the same with me." The doors parted and Jad came bolting in wearing a French maid outfit complete with fishnet stockings. "They're everywhere!" Jad cried. "HEY!" Ben shot up. "You've been into my closet, haven't you?" "Not like you've been in it in the past 15 years." The mirror Jad muttered. He was promptly whipped across the neck by the mirror Charlotte. The real Charlotte glared at Brian. "So this is what you did when I told you to hide him?" "So, Captain Vorezze, we meet at last." Charlotte smirked. "How does it feel to have lost your ship." "Umm, transporters won't work unless I surrender my authorization code." Jad replied cockily. Charlotte whipped out a phaser and pointed it at him. "Give me the code." "Vorezze two seven seven one gamma five tango two." Jad yelped. All the hostages smacked their heads. "Very good." Charlotte cackled ominously. "Now you will all be treated to a vacation at the Tyrantitin Asteroid Penal Camp, on us." Charlotte grinned. "Computer, disable transporter systems, authorization Vore-" Jad was cut off as Dan came up behind him and covered his mouth. "Prepare a site to site transport." Charlotte said. "Ready." The mirror Axik said from the bridge. "Computer, disable transporters, authorization Vorezze two seven seven one gamma five tango two." The voice startled Charlotte and she spun around to see Dan with his grip still tight on Jad. "Transporters offline." The computer announced. "Computer, vent anesthezine gas on the main bridge, authorization Vorezee two seven seven one gamma give tango two." Charlotte spun around to see the mirror Jad stand up and take his blindfold off. "What the hell are you doing!?" Charlotte bellowed. "I'd rather be working in a camp than work as your personal boy toy anymore." The mirror Jad glared at Charlotte. "How dare you!" Charlotte screamed and reached for her whip. In a flash, the mirror Jad lunged forward, kicking the mirror Charlotte down and grabbing her phaser, shooting the mirror Dan off of Captain Vorezze. He turned and aimed at the Mirror Ben, who was curled up into a ball on the corner, trying to cover himself with his pink feather boa. Jad stood in bewilderment. "I... I don't know what to say." He gazed at his leather clad doppelganger. "It's our place to work in that prison until the Terran rebels can free us." The mirror Jad said. "We can't take the easy way out and make others suffer for the mistakes of our past." "I can..." The mirror Charlotte muttered from the floor as she nursed her swollen jaw. "Send us back and destroy the probe." The mirror Jad said. "Thank you." Captain Vorezze replied. "You would have done the same for me... I hope." Jad smiled. "In a second." "Captain's log, stardate 53488.3: We have beamed back all 121 of our mirror counterparts to their rightful place in their universe and are preparing to seal the rift before traveling to starbase 644 to make a full report to Section 31." Captain Vorezze paced the bridge. "Are we ready?" Charlotte and Dan walked onto the bridge. Liz looked over to Dan. "Where have you been?" "We found him in the counselor's office having sex with the mirror Emily." Charlotte said. "You're sure you two aren't mirrors? It seems like roles are reversed." Ben smirked. "Well I've always had this thing for Emily, so I figured that was the only time I could act on them..." Dan blushed. "Has she been returned to the Mirror Universe?" Jad asked. "Yes. She's the last of them." Dan said. "Commander DiSanto, lock photon torpedoes onto the probe." Jad sat down and faced the rift on the viewer. "Torpedoes locked." "Fire." A golden sphere of light smashed into the top part of the glowing cloud, causing a small explosion, followed by a vacuum like motion from the center as the rift collapsed in on itself. "Thank God that's over..." Axik leaned back and sighed. "Riley to bridge, I found someone else who needs to go over, his real counterpart was sent over by mistake!" Dave called frantically over the comm. "Who is it?" "Ensign Anthony Jeffries." Jad sighed. "Does he know anything about engines?" "Yeah, he actually knows quite a bit." "Keep him." "What about the real Jeffries?" Dave asked. Jad shrugged. "I'm sure he'll be fine." Ensign Anthony Jeffries stood alone in the showers of the prison, bawling as the hot water ran over his overworked body. "I want to go home!" As Jeffries cried, Ben slid up behind him and put his hand on his shoulder. "Hey there, big boy, you dropped the soap." NEXT: Is it over between Jad and Axik? It looks like they're both headed for a break up, but the crew is feeling the tragedy a little too much when they become divided over who is right and who is wrong in "Stuck in the Middle With You."