Star Traks: Banshee "The Petzorcist" By Brad Dusen It was both hot and cold. The wind and air had a very brisk feel to it, but the sun was beating down heat. Cmdr. Charlotte Burns felt like a cat basking in sunlight on a cold winter day as she made her way along the cliff. "The last of the ruins are this way." She said as the away team followed her on their somewhat perilous trek along the side of the ravine. Though he was never one to squirm, Dr. Elizabeth Lang- fourth in the line of officers on the cliff- clutching her beloved hamster, Zeke, in her hands against her chest, making sure the fuzzball didn't fall into the abyss. Commander Ben Rachow trotted up behind her, leisurely sipping a cup of coffee. "Hello Doctor. I must say that you're looking ravishing as always, today." Ben smiled, revealing coffee stained teeth. Liz cringed. "Yes, Commander? What is it?" "You know," Ben said, looking up at the sky as the two walked, "This archeological survey is doing wonders for me." "How so?" Liz raised her eyebrow in suspicion. "Take our previous stop, the Love Temple." Ben said. "I think I was truly moved by what I saw in there." "Ah, those statues of the demons with the stubby penises must really have gotten to you." Liz nodded. "I meant the enchantment of it all." Ben said. "I have learned now sex is not the way to be happy, but that love is! Love, and sex." Liz pulled out her tricorder for a second. "That's funny. For a moment I thought that Hell had just frozen over, but it seems I was wrong" She smiled then darted forward. "Okay people" Charlotte said as they arrived at a run down looking building. "This is our last stop, the Fire Temple." Charlotte walked forward and began pulling on the door to the temple. "Seems to be stuck..." "Commander," Dan said as he walked up alongside Charlotte, "It says 'Push to Open.'" "I knew that." Charlotte said innocently. "I just wanted to see if you were paying attention." The temple's interior was dark and spooky. The air was damp and there was an echo as each member of the away team heard their footfalls echo on the high ceiling of the temple. "What artifact are we looking for in here?" Lt. Cmdr. Rachow asked as he looked around. "Well we already have the Life Emerald, the Spirit Opal, the Wind Sapphire and the Love Amethyst, so the last item we'll need is the Inferno Ruby." Charlotte said, examining her mission checklist. "And why are we tracking down these stones?" Ben asked. "Because the Federation Natural History Museum on Vulcan has been interesting in finding the famed Mendan Sacred Stones for quite some time now. We have all but one, so why stop now?" "Because my feet are sore!" Ben whined. "You havn't left the ship since we left Mordor, don't even go telling me that your feet are sore." Charlotte groused as she searched around with a palm beacon. "As opposed to you, you spent most of your shore leave having sex with a psychotic cult member." "Charlotte glared at Ben. I wasn't having sex with him, I was occupying him until help could arrive." Ben started laughing. "Uh huh, sure." Liz walked alone in a distant corridor in the temple. She glanced around at her surroundings, surveying everything she could. "This old place is kinda eerie, isn't it Zekey?" She glanced over at her hamster, who was sitting obediently on her shoulder. The hamster didn't respond, only sniffed a little more and looked around. "What's this?" Liz asked, trying to open a chest. She forced it open and looked inside, only to find a long, slender red gem. The Inferno Ruby. "Commander!" Liz called out, "I found the ruby!" Zeke suddenly jumped off her shoulder "Hey!" She set the ruby down and ran after the renegade hamster. "Get back here!" There was a loud, glutteral roar that echoed through the temple. "Charlotte, did you forget to eat breakfast or something?" Dan called out. "Ha ha, very funny, Commander." Charlotte razzed Dan. "Zeke!" Liz called out as she sprinted down the hallway. The roar got louder. Liz panicked as she imagined poor, defenseless Zeke at the merciless clutches of whatever was making that noise. As she scanned the rocky ground, she saw a golden, fuzzy blob scurry between the rubble and shattered bricks that lay strewn across the floor. "Zeke! Come back!" Moving quickly, hurling large stones out of the way, she reached in and gasped a fuzzy figure. She pulled it out and looked in her palm, only to find a dead rat. "EWWWW!" A louder roar pierced the quiet of the Fire Temple, the floor shook slightly. Liz kept searching the grotto, locating another fuzzy figure. She pulled it out and looked in her palm. It was Zeke. "Oh Zeke, you had me so worried." She held the hamster against her chest, then tucked him into the pouch she had put in the side of her uniform's pants just for him and buttoned the top so he couldn't get out again. "What's going on?" Charlotte ran up to Liz as another roar pierced the temple. The floor shook more violently this time. "It must be some kind of security feature that was set off when I took the Inferno Ruby from the altar." Liz said. "I set it down over there." "I'll get it." Charlotte dashed back down the hallway. "Get everyone out of here and have the Banshee stand by for transport." Moments later, everyone stood outside the Fire Temple, which was now shaking violently. "Shouldn't Charlotte have been back with the Inferno Ruby by now?" Dan asked. "Maybe she found that thing that was roaring." Liz said nervously. "She could be in trouble." Dan added. "I don't think so." Ben shrugged. "If she thought she was going to die, she'd just have sex with it to make it let her go." Everyone glared at Ben. "Here she comes." Dan pointed to the entrance. Charlotte came barreling out of the entrance, clutching the Inferno Ruby in her hands. "She looks upset." Dan observed the look of fear on her face. Through the doorway to the Fire Temple, a massive head peered out. The eyes were blood red and the teeth were razor sharp. Charlotte frantically mouthed something, but couldn't get the words out because of her exhaustion. "What's she saying?" Dan asked. "I think she's saying 'Burger and Fries.'" Ben said. "Umm, I think she means 'Energize.'" Liz said. "Right." Dan nodded. "Smith to Banshee, four to beam up." "Captain's log, stardate 53392.4: After plundering the riches of Menda III for the mysterious, extremely valuable and extremely shiny Mendan Sacred Stones, we are now en route back to Starbase 833 where we will drop them off to a courier for the Federation Natural History Museum, most likely without so much as a thank you, cheap bastards..." "Wow, they really are pretty." Commander David Riley said as he stared almost in awe at the sparkling gemstones that were being displayed in the observation lounge's display case for safe keeping until they arrived at the starbase. "I like the blue one." Vince said. "It goes nicely with my eyes." "You know, Doctor," Commander Rachow said pointing to the long, slender Inferno Ruby, "that looks almost exactly like my-" "I know how you people enjoy looking at shiny objects," Captain Vorezze said from behind them, cutting Ben off, "But this is a staff meeting. Take your seats." The crowd of the command crew adjourned to their chairs. "Now," Vorezze said as he pulled his chair up to the table, "After we make our stop at Starbase 833, we have to go to the Taliran System, where there was a report out an outbreak of deadly Klingon cooties at an elementary school that we need to investigate. According to reports, all the girls in the school have it." "Klingon Cooties, eh?" Dr. Isaac said. "I think I can handle that." "Very good." Vorezze said. "After that, we will..." he glanced over at Commander Riley, who was staring at the display case. "Dave!" Vorezze shouted out. Cmdr. Riley jumped slightly, then looked over to the captain, "Sorry, sir." "Captain, I have to object to having these artifacts on board the ship." Counselor Stokes piped in. "Oh what is it now?" Jad groaned. "Well for one thing, having items that are the cornerstone of another religion displayed so prominently will anger God, so I feel that it's best that we keep them in storage." Emily said. Jad sighed deeply. "Counselor, I will say this once and once only. According to you, we're all going to hell anyways, so what does it matter?" "Well it matters because..." Emily began. "Meeting adjourned!" Vorezze cut her off. "My ultimate creation!" Liz smiled as she stared up at the slender, squishy golden cake that she held in her hand. Commander Burns furrowed her brow. "Exactly what is it?" She asked, eyeing the object Liz held in her hands. "My crowning achievement." She said. "The ultimate Twinkie!" Charlotte paused for a moment. "Twinkie?" "A cream filled golden sponge cake so delicious, so soft and moist and chewy that it can never be consumed, for to do so would result in the head of whoever ate it exploding from the overload of flavor!" She proclaimed. "Uh huh..." Charlotte paused for a moment, deep in thought. "And how do you know it is this scrumptious if you've never tasted it?" "Computer simulations." Liz shrugged. "The only way to keep people safe from this baked Adonis is to keep it locked up here in the lab." "Right..." Charlotte nodded along. "And do what with it?" Liz paused. "I'm sure I can find a market for it. The Klingons might be able to handle it." "Uhh, yeah..." Charlotte said. "I, umm, think I need to get going..." She ran from the science lab. Liz shook her head. "She just doesn't understand, right Zekester?" As list stroked the head of her hamster lovingly, he opened wide and sank his teeth into her index finger. "OWWWW!" Liz drew back quickly as a few beads of blood trickled down her finger. "Someone's got an attitude problem today." "Heh heh, I never thought of doing it in here." Captain Vorezze said as he tiptoed into the observation lounge, all of the lights save for the display case and the table's glowing surface were off. "I know, we should have tried this earlier." Axik giggled as she sat on the edge of the conference table. "Did you secure the door?" "Yeah, and I turned off the video sensor recorder for the room." Jad moved a chair out of the way and knelt down on the table. The two laid back and started kissing frantically, their bodies forming a slight silhouette against the dim blue glow of the conference table. They rolled, around until Jad glanced over to the display case. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" He screamed out, darting up. "LIGHTS!" Jad and Axik looked over to see Dave standing there, facing the display case. "Oh," Axik chuckled nervously, "Hello Commander, may I ask what brings you up here tonight?" "Oh, hi." Dave briefly turned from the display case. "I'm just looking at the stones." "Shouldn't you be in engineering?" Jad asked. "I'm off duty." "Why not go to The Twilight Zone?" Axik offered. "Eh, don't feel like it." Dave shrugged. "I just want to watch the stones. You two continue." Jad and Axik looked at each other. "Maybe we should be going" Axik said. "Ummmmm..." Jad looked around nervously. "I don't think I should get up just yet." "Why?" Axik asked. "Because someone is awake and might draw attention to himself." "What?" Jad whispered something into Axik's ear. "Oooohhhhh, okay." Axik nodded. Lacking anything better to do, Dr. Lang wandered back into her lab that evening, mostly to escape the attention of the engineering crew that just recently got done with their shifts. "Hi Zeke." She waved to her hamster, who was sitting in his cage in the lab. She briefly looked around for something to do when something caught her eye. "Oh no..." She said to herself. "My Twinkie's gone!!" She paused for a moment, thinking to herself. "Okay, Liz don't panic. There is a volatile Twinkie out there somewhere, you just have to find it before someone eats it and explodes." She tapped her combadge. "Computer, locate my Twinkie!" "There is no officer named Twinkie aboard the Banshee." Liz huffed. "Where could it be..." "Stefanski to security." Peter's voice rang over the ship's comm system. "I need a security team in The Twilight Zone pronto! There are some drunken engineers fighting over some Twinkie!" "Uh oh." Liz said as she darted out the door. "Give me that you schmuck!" Lieutenant Jackson swatted the Twinkie out of Ensign Grayson's hand. "Hey, I saw it first!" Grayson tackled Jackson and reached for the Twinkie. "No, it's mine!" Lieutenant Rayhan grabbed the Twinkie and got ready to bite down on it. "Give it here!" Jackson swiped it from Rayhan's grip. Liz burst into The Twilight Zone and found the three Engineers wrestling over the Twinkie. "Hey!" Liz charged towards them. "Don't eat that, it's dangerous!" She smacked it from Jackson's grip. Grayson picked it up. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Liz lunged at the hungry ensign as he devoured it. Commander Smith got off the turbolift with his security team. "Stefanski to maintenance!" Peter's call rang over the general comm system. "I need a clean up crew in The Twilight Zone. Bring a wet-dry vac and a squeegee." "Captain's log, stardate 53394.9: A science project conducted by Dr. Elizabeth Lang has claimed the life of one lowly, insignificant crewmember who I didn't even know until today. He will be missed dearly. We are investigating just how this volatile Twinkie could have gotten out of the science lab and into the jaws of Ensign Grayson. On a more upbeat note, I am pleased to report that at long last, maintenance has finally removed the stain from The Twilight Zone's carpet." "I had that thing locked." Dr. Lang said as she followed Commander Smith around her lab. "You're sure it was secure?" Dan said, examining his tricorder." "Quite sure." Liz said. "This is odd." Dan shook his head as he ran his tricorder over the storage pod. "What is?" "According to this, there are two sets of finger prints on the container, yours and a newer set," he turned to face the cage on the shelf "Belonging to a hamster." "Very good, human pig!" A loud, bass voice bellowed from the direction of Zeke. "Umm, doctor, your hamster would appear to be talking." "Fool, I am not your hamster!" Zeke roared. "I am Salome, master of the Inferno!" Dan raised his eyebrow. "Liz, since when is your hamster the master of an Inferno?" Liz shrugged. "Last time I checked, he wasn't." "Human swine, kneel before me, for I am your god!" Zeke stood on his hind legs and shouted ominously. He grabbed his wheel and hurled it with inhamster strength through the class of his cage, bouncing harmlessly off of Dan's chest. "Come here, Zeke." Liz grabbed the fuzzy rodent. "Female wench, put me down!" Zeke roared, then sank his teeth deep into Liz's finger. "OWW!" Liz drew back and dropped the hamster. "You little wretch!" Zeke ran out the door and into the hallway screaming "FOOLS! BOW BEFORE ME!" There was a brief moment of silence. "Lang to bridge." "What is it, Doctor?" Captain Vorezze asked. "Umm, could you got onto a security alert? Zeke seems to be possessed and is wandering the ship somewhere." Liz waited for the barrage of laughter that was about to hit her. Vorezze paused. "I don't want to know, just solve this on your own. Vorezze out." "At long last, after days of steam cleaning the carpets, I am please to announce that The Twilight Zone is again open for business." Peter said happily to the crowd that milled in front of the doors of The Twilight Zone. He pressed the button and the doors slid open. The scent of cleanings solvent hung in the air. The crowd quickly got into their tables and began the usual milling around. "Hello Doctor!" Peter said happily as Liz approached the bar nervously. "What can I get you?" "Have you seen a possessed hamster wandering around anywhere?" Liz asked hopefully. "A possessed hamster..." Peter sighed. "Okay, whatever you've been drinking, you've had enough." "Uh, Doctor Lang?" A worried looking ensign's voice called out from the dining area. Liz turned around to see a crowd staring at the table where there stood Zeke, perched on his hind legs. "Foolish imbeciles, all of you!" He shouted at the officers facing the front bay windows. "Zeke!" Liz cried out. Everyone in the room gasped in horror as they saw the hamster's head rotating on his motionless body, turning until it faced completely backwards. "Yes, my dearest doctor?" Liz screamed out in terror, backing against the bar. "OH MY GOD!" Peter stared at the hamster. "Okay, he's DEFINITELY had too much to drink." Liz frantically hit her combadge. "Lang to Smith! I need you in The Twilight Zone!" "What's wrong, Lizzy, afraid of the big mean hamster?" Zeke said in his deep bass voice. Then he suddenly began squeaking madly. "Quiet you!" Zeke shouted, seemingly addressing himself. "Squeak squeak!" "No, you're mine!" Zeke cried back. "Squeeeeeaaaak!" Peter raised an eyebrow as he watched Zeke argue with himself. "That is one messed up rodent..." He shook his head. "That must be Zeke trying to fight back against whatever's possessed him." Liz said. Peter glanced over at Liz. "At least we know where he gets it from." He slowly walked away. Liz could have sworn Peter was making a noise like that of a cuckoo clock, but it was probably just her imagination. Dan finally arrived. "What's wrong, Doctor?" "That!" She pointed at Zeke, who was currently screaming "NO!!!" out as his head spun around repeatedly in 360 degree turns. "C'mere you!" Dan shouted as he went barreling for the hamster. Zeke hopped out of the way and over onto the bar. "Ah, so the great security chief comes after me. I'm so scared." Zeke taunted from the bar. He scurried over to an open bottle of bright magenta Frunalian champagne. He stood on his hind legs and picked up the bottle with unhamsterly strength. "DIE HUMAN WORM!" He hurled the bottle at Dan. Peter's head shot up. "NOOOO!!!!" He screamed, diving forward. The bottle hit the floor two feet in front of Dan, shattering and sending the bright magenta beverage flying all over the brand new carpeting. "Come here!" Liz grabbed Zeke and shoved him in her pocket, closing the seal, trapping him in there. "My brand new carpet..." Peter sobbed, laying on the floor in the puddle of drink, "It's ruined..." "Dan, we have to do something about Zeke." Liz looked over at the security chief. "Have you considered therapy?" Dan asked skeptically. Liz paused for a moment. "Zeke did seem to be trying to overpower the will of whatever's possessing him. Maybe therapy would work." Dan shrugged. "Give it a shot." "Now, tell me, what was your childhood like?" Counselor Emily Stokes sat down after getting a cup of tea from the replicator. "I was born in the Netherworld and trapped inside the Fire Temple for 7,000 years." Zeke said from inside the bars of his cage, sitting on a chair adjacent to Dr. Lang. The three chairs were in a triangle formation. "So then this was a rough childhood for you, then? You didn't have many friends, I'm assuming." "My friends are the spiritual maggots that eat away at your soul." Zeke said. "That and a little boy who stopped by every now and then named Timmy." "How nice..." Emily sipped at her tea and set it down on the coffee table. "Well I think this whole thing is caused by a lack of a relationship with God." Liz rolled her eyes. "Zeke, I will give you a copy of the Bible. I suggest you read it. Only though a strong relationship with the Lord can you succeed in curbing this violent and destructive behavior and becoming a better hamster." Emily smiled, sipping again at her tea. "I don't want your book of lies, of false truths." Zeke bellowed. "It is a very useful book." Emily protested. "If you want to make it useful, I suggest you roll it up into a cylinder and stick it up your..." Tears were streaming down her face as Emily came barreling out of her office. Dr. Lang quickly followed. "Counselor, I'm sure he didn't mean that!" Liz said, putting her arm around Emily. "How could he even imply that I should use the Scriptures in such a vile and disgusting manner!?" Emily sobbed, then looked up at Liz. "That creature is evil! EVIL I tell you!!" Liz huffed. "So I've gathered." She pressed her communicator. "Lang to Smith, I need to take another approach. Meet me in my quarters in an hour, and bring a case of Christian religious artifacts." "Ummm... okay..." Dan said nervously. "Smith out." Liz paced nervously in her quarters. It felt cold in the room, colder more so at Zeke's cage. "What's wrong, sow? Afraid of me?" Zeke taunted from his cage. "You're a hamster!" Liz screamed at him. "You're not remotely intimidating." The door chime sounded. "Come!" Liz said frantically. Dan hurried in, lugging a large chest that he immediately set down on the floor. "Should have used an anti-gravity sled..." He panted. "What's this all about?" "I want you to perform an exorcism on Zeke." Liz said in a solemn voice. "WHAT!?" "I think it's the only way to get him back to normal. You have to perform an exorcism on Zeke." "But he's a hamster!" Dan protested. "As your superior officer, I can order you to do it, you know." Liz said, then looked at Dan, staring into his eyes. "Please, I need my hamster to go back to normal." Dan gave in. "Oh okay." He opened the crate and put on a ceremonial robe and opened a book." "You do know what you're doing, right?" Liz asked cautiously. "Of course!" Dan snapped back. He opened an old looking book. "Let's see, instructions..." "Oh boy..." Liz sat down and held her head. "What are you doing?" Zeke bellowed loudly. "Ending this!" Dan said definitively. "NO! The hamster is mine!" Zeke bellowed. He backed up, then charged forward, breaking the glass of the cage. "Ack!" Dan screamed as the hamster knocked him back with incredible strength, then ran off. "Dan! Are you okay?" Liz helped Dan up. "Fine mommy, how are you?" He smiled, then passed out. Liz looked up as a deep voice filled the room. "So, swine, it is just the two of us." The voice taunted. "Give me my hamster back." Liz pleaded. "Can't you go back to the Fire Temple and be happy?" "I have been in that blasted temple for 7,000 years. I was waiting for the perfect entity to come along, a creature that could take me out of that prison, and your hamster did nicely." Zeke cackled. "Over my dead body!" Liz screamed. "If that's what it takes." Liz heard a sound behind her. She turned and screamed as she saw Zeke come charging at her with a knife in his claws. "Zeke..." Liz pleaded as the hamster got closer. "I know you're in there somewhere. If you can here me, give me a sign." Zeke paused and looked up at Liz. Liz looked back, hopeful that she had gotten through to him. "If you think that's going to work on me, then what they say about blondes really is true!" Zeke laughed as he continued his run forward. Then he collided with a barrier of blue light. "What!?" Zeke looked around as force fields surrounded him on all four sides. He turned to Dan, who was awake now, and holding his Master Security PADD. "You!!" Zeke roared. "It's time you left here." Dan said. He picked up the book and opened it. "I'd say that we're going to miss you, but I don't like lying." He began reading. "Captain's log, supplemental: We have arrived at Starbase 833 and successfully delivered the Mendan Sacred Stones to a representative of the Federation Natural History Museum. Our upcoming mission to the Taliran System has been called off, however, when reports of the Klingon Cootie outbreak in an elementary school there turned out to be false." Dr. Lang walked through the corridors of the Banshee, Zeke perched on her shoulder. Ever since his recent exorcism, he had been totally back to normal. She walked into The Twilight Zone for some much needed R&R. "Hello Doctor." Peter walked up to greet his new patron. "It's so nice to see you and..." he looked at Zeke, perched on Liz's shoulder. "GET HIM AWAY!" He screamed. "Peter, he's back to normal now!" Liz protested." "GET HIM AWAY!!!!!!" Peter bellowed, hiding behind the bar. "Peter, I'm telling you, he's fine now." Liz said. Zeke hopped off Liz's shoulder and onto the bar. As he scurried past a glass of fruit juice, he hit it with his rear end and knocked it over. "What do you call that!?" Peter shouted. "An accident!" Liz protested. "Uh huh." Peter wasn't convinced. Liz looked at Zeke. "At least I hope it was an accident." She eyed the hamster carefully. She may never really find out. NEXT: The joys of fatherhood are facing Captain Vorezze, but in order to see if he's up to the challenge, Q drops by and puts Vorezze in a rather... awkward situation in "Q-Tips," coming up next!