Star Traks: Banshee "The Eclair Witch Project" By Brad Dusen "Carn, where did you put my razor?" Captain Vorezze emerged from his tent to the fresh morning air, brushing his fingertips along his unshaven beard. "It is in storage module 18, Captain." Carn said as he rigidly stood vigil over the camp. Jad sighed and stretched out. The morning sunlight felt good, and a warm breeze blew gently through the forest clearing. This was paradise. "Has anyone seen my razor?" Charlotte asked as she emerged from her tent. "I believe some raccoons carried it off in the middle of the night." Carn said. "Bah! Now I have to have hairy legs for the rest of the trip." Jad cringed. Perhaps paradise was on a planet where the atmosphere was toxic to Charlotte. The Tanada System was used as a Section 31 practice range. New weapons were tested in the asteroid belt between the first and second planets, and the ten planets in the system offered every type of possible terrain for agents to test new devices in. Tanada III was an uninhabited, primarily forest planet. Section 31 kept the planet for itself to use as a wilderness training center. The Banshee was in the system to aid the research station in orbit of Tanada VI in the testing of quantum torpedoes using new manufacturing techniques that enabled them to me more easily mass produced. Because this didn't require a lot of skill, the majority of the senior staff decided to have a camping expedition while Tanada III was free of soldiers in training. Dr. Lang came up the path in a swimsuit after taking an early morning swim in the nearby lake. Commander Rachow was trotting along behind her, holding a fishing pole. "For the last time, Doctor, I'm really sorry!" Ben said, giving Liz the most pitiful look he could muster. "I had no idea that my fishing line would rip off your bikini top like that." Liz adjusted her towel that she had wrapped around her to conceal her body. "And I'm sure you had no idea you were trying to take pictures of me when I got out to get my top back, either." "Exactly!" Ben smiled. "By the way, none of the pictures came out, can I try it again." Liz smacked Ben across the face and walked off. Counselor Emily Stokes stood in the food tent, busily preparing breakfast. "Good morning, Counselor." Jad said as he walked into the tent. "Good morning, Captain." Emily smiled at him. "Experimenting from your cooking class?" Jad sniffed the rather unpleasant aroma drifting off of the frying pan. "May I ask what that is?" "It's a breakfast delicacy I learned how to make called Grahk'tog. It's sort of a Klingon paella." Jad cringed. "I wasn't even fond of Human paella. May I ask what's in it?" Emily glanced over, buzzing through the ingredients. "Fresh targ meat, blood root, wild fire rice, and seven secret Klingon herbs and spices." Jad's eyes started watering as more of the smell of the dish started wafting into his nostrils. "You know what, I think I'll, umm, skip breakfast today. No offense." Emily shrugged. "You're loss." She took a spoon and scooped up a little to taste it. Her eyes immediately watered and became bloodshot as he coughed out, "You don't know what you're missing!" Jad darted out of the tent. "Commander Smith!" He called out. "Yes?" Dan seemed to appear from nowhere as he slid up behind the captain. "ACK!" Jad jumped back. "Stop doing that!" "Sorry sir. What can I do for you?" "You were taking the runabout back to the Banshee today to get some more supplies, right?" Jad asked. "Yep. Why?" "While you're there, I need you to get me something." Jad lowered his voice so Emily couldn't hear him, although she was still in the tent, gagging. "More of that Moraltan Pleasure Oil for you and Axik?" "Umm, no, not this time." Jad grinned nervously. "Stop by that bakery on Deck 18 and pick me up about 20 donuts." "Oh, sure." Dan shrugged. The day wore on... and on... and on... It was now late afternoon. "Do you have any idea where we're going?" Charlotte asked as she leaned against her walking stick, making her way through the underbrush. "We've been going North for some time now." Carn said as he pulled off his nose to reveal a built in compass. "I believe it may be prudent to head in another direction." He snapped his nose back into place. Ben stopped and drank some water from his bottle. "Perhaps, but remember, I'm a helmsman, I know where I'm going." He turned and slammed into a tree. "Who votes for a new team leader?" Charlotte called out. Everyone raised their hands. "Can't we stop for a bit, I'm starving." Commander Riley said, clutching his stomach. "All the foods back at the camp." Charlotte said. "Carn, can you be of help?" Dave pleaded. Carn opened a compartment on his left biceps and pulled out a cup from a small stack, then unscrewed the tip of his left pinky finger and squeeze it, shooting out a thick chocolate milkshake. Charlotte raised her eyebrow. "Do I want to know what else you are programmed to do?" Carn shook his head as he handed the glass to Commander Riley. "Probably not." "Look at that sunset." Jad said as he and Axik sat in each others arms back at the campsite, overlooking the sun setting over the mountains. "It's beautiful." Axik smiled. "Not as beautiful as you." Jad smiled as he kissed Axik. After a moment, Axik glanced over to a nearby tree. "Wow, that tree is downright scary." Jad followed Axik's gaze to a large brittle looking tree. It's bark was black as ash and it seemed to form a threatening, gaping mouth. "It gives me the shivers." Axik said. "Well I don't want that." Jad smiled, then whipped out his phaser, set it to maximum and shot the tree. In a whirl of fire and smoke, it vaporized in an almost human sounding roar. "Thank you." Axik said chirpily as she kissed Jad. "Let's go back to our tent. I'll whip out my 'other' phaser." Jad smiled. "OOOH!!" Axik bounded back towards the campsite. "We're lost." Charlotte groaned as she plunked down on a rock. "I do not see how this is possible." Carn said, examining his nose. "After all, androids cannot make mistakes." Charlotte glared at Carn. "I'd smack you if only you weren't made out of solid metal." Carn nodded. "Yes, it does indeed suck to be you." Liz plunked down on a log. "Poor Zeke is back on the Banshee all alone, probably wondering where I am." She sniffled slightly. "There there, Doctor." Ben said as he sat down next to her and put his arm around her . "I'm here for you." "You just sat in bear dung, you know." Liz added. Ben looked around nervously. "That's to show how willing I am to stay by you!" "Uhh, right." Liz quickly got up. It was very dark out now. Especially at the campsite where only two voices broke the silence of the night. "Oooh, Jaddy, that's my tiger!" "Oh yeah, baby! You know how to use that whipped cream!" "Mmm, yeah! Hold on, let me get the cherry and chocolate syrup." "CAPTAIN!" A third voice interrupted. Jad popped his head out of the tent and into the flashlight being held by Commander Smith. The running lights of the runabout Tiber. "Oh, umm, hello Commander. You're back early." "The Banshee was closer than I expected." Dan looked around. "Where is everyone?" "They're all out on a hiking trip." "Isn't it late for a hiking trip?" "Come to think of it, I never thought of that." Dan sighed. "I'll go out looking for them. I got you're donuts, I'll leave them on the picnic table." "Very good." Jad smiled, then slithered back into the tent. "Honey, your Betazoid stallion is back." "Oooh, can I take a ride?" Dan shuddered and walked away. "I really don't think we're making any progress." Charlotte moaned. "And my feet are getting sore." "We'll make our way back. God is looking over us." Emily said wearily. "Although I've started to question His intentions as of late." "Didn't someone bring a tricorder?" Liz asked. "Carn, you have almost half the ship on you somewhere, you have to have one." Ben glanced at the android hopefully. "Alas, no I do not." Carn said. "Damn you!" Ben huffed. "Now I'm hungry." Jad yawned as he zipped up his top and emerged from the tent. "Me too." Axik stretched out. "Wow, it certainly got cloudy." "Yeah." Jad nodded as he made his way over to the picnic table. "Mmm, donuts!" He flipped open the box. "Ooh! My favorite, Bolian cream!" As he picked it up, a loud hissing sound came from the donut as it oozed the blood red Bolian cream filling. "Axik, do donuts hiss?" Jad asked. "Not that I know of, hun." Axik said from the tent as she zipped it up. "Oh..." Jad eyed the donut, "That's odd." The donut suddenly leaped out of his hand and ran into his face. "AHHHH! Help me! It burns! It burns!" Several more donuts rose up out of the box and latched onto Jad as a few more ran into him repeatedly. Axik looked up to see Jad on the ground, as the disgruntled baked goods pummeled him. "JAD!" She screeched, running over to him. The donuts detached themselves to him and slid off into the forest, leaving Jad in a heap of cream and flower. "Jad, hun, wake up, please!" Axik shook Jad slightly. Jad lay there motionless. "DAN!" Axik called out. "Are you here! Someone! Someone please help me!" Her cries echoed through the forest. Dan made his way through the forest with a phaser rifle hanging off a strap over his shoulder, a tricorder in one hand and a palm beacon in the other. "Commander Burns?" He called out as he neared a group of life readings. "Is someone there?" The life signs were getting closer. Dan froze as a scent wafted into the air. It smelled like fresh bread. Before Dan could move, more than 20 donuts charged past him, emitting a high pitched hissing sound as they went deeper into the woods. Before Dan could make any more of what just happened, the donuts disappeared into the woods. "What the fuck was that!?" He asked himself. "God I'm so hungry!" Ben moaned, clutching his stomach as he staggered along. "There has got to be SOME food around here somewhere." "Try eating some of those berries, I'm sure they're perfectly safe." Liz said with a smile. Ben hesitantly walked over to the bush. "Commander, those are highly toxic berries." Carn said. "They would kill you in an instant." "Damn you!" Liz glared at Carn. There was a rustling in the bushes. "What's that?" Charlotte asked. "It's the Lord to save me from this hell!" Emily said as she dropped to her knees. "What the..?" Ben glanced over at her. Dave hesitantly walked over to the bushes and moved them aside. "It's a donut." He said. "A donut?" Charlotte raised her eyebrow. "Yes, a donu-" He stopped as the donut jumped up and latched onto his face. "OH MY GOD! GET IT OFF! IT BURNS BUT IS EXTREMELY TASTEY AT THE SAME TIME!" "Dave!" Charlotte ran over to Dave and tried to wrestle the disgruntled pastry off his face. A loud hiss came from the bushes as two more donuts popped out of the bushes and came after Ben. "Hey, get away!" Ben said as he kicked one. The donut jumped up and latched onto his arm. "Stop that!" Ben screamed. He yanked it off his arm and took a huge bite out of it. The donut hissed and let out a high pitched wail as it went limp. "Mmmmm!" Ben said as he chewed it. "That's a mighty tasty evil donut!" Ten more donuts marched out of the bushes, surrounding them. "Everyone split up!" Charlotte said. "Run like hell!" "Yeah!" Ben nodded. "We make easier targets that way!" They all split up and ran through the forest as the donuts took off after them. "Oh Jad." Axik sobbed as she huddled in the tent, sobbing, holding Jad's limp body. The only movements he made was his shallow breathing. "I'm so sorry! I should have asked to go a second time. If I had, you never would have been attacked by those evil donuts!" Axik heard crunching in the dead leaves outside the tent. Something was out there. She reached down and took the phaser out of Jad's holster, then poked her head and her arm outside the tent and looked around into the blackness. "Damn pastries, get back!" Axik shouted into the inky darkness. "Come any close and I'll bake you, err, more than you're already baked!" "Commander, it's just me!" Dan said as he shined a palm beacon in his face. "ACK!" Axik screamed and fell back. "Oh, it's just you." "Where's Captain Vorezze?" Dan asked. "In here." Axik said, opening the tent to reveal Jad laying there. "What happened to him?" Dan asked. "He was attacked by a pack of evil donuts." "So that's what those were." Dan rubbed his chin. "I thought I smelled evil baked goods." "What do you mean?" Axik asked. "It sounds to me like the angry forest gods are driving these donuts to attack us." Dan said as he looked around to make sure the area was secure. Axik nodded wearily. "Right..." "The others are in grave danger. We have to find them and get out of here." "You'll get no objection from me." Axik said. "Start packing up camp and load everything up into the runabout. I'll go round up the others." Dan said. "Be careful." Axik said as she stood up. "You too." "Hurry!" Charlotte said, making her way blindly through the forest. "They're right behind us!" Ben shouted. Behind them, the donuts charged forward, hissing loudly. "They're gaining!" Liz said as she kept pace with Ben and Charlotte. This hissing got louder and louder, closer and closer. Ben looked back as he ran, a group of powered jelly donuts were on his heels. Then one leaped forward and latched on. "AHH! It got me!" Ben screamed as he fell to the ground. "Ben!" Charlotte screamed. "Hooray!" Liz shouted. "Somebody help him!" Charlotte shouted, running backwards. Two flashes came from the forest as shots from a compression phaser rifle impacted two of the donuts, splattering jelly and cream all over the nearby trees. Another shot hit Ben's ankle, taking the donut off of it and leaving it as a singe mark on a nearby tree. Dan emerged from the bushes, clutching a phaser rifle. "Commander!" Charlotte replied happily. "Is Ben okay?" Dan asked, looking down at Ben, who lay curled up on the forest floor sobbing. "Unfortunately." Liz said coldly. "Come on, we have to find the others, Axik is getting the runabout ready to depart." Dan said. "Do we have to go?" Charlotte whined. "You could stay here and wait for the rest of those donuts to come back here." Charlotte paused. "Okay people! Let's go! Move! Move! Move!" "It'll be okay, Jaddy, don't worry." Axik gently caressed Jad's face as she loaded up the runabout. The last of the supplies were on board, she just had to wait for the others. As she headed back into the cockpit, she paused as a pleasant aroma wafted into her nostrils. It smelled sweet... frosted... baked. Moving very slowly, Axik turned towards the loading ramp as a loud hiss pierced the silence. She then fell back, screaming her head off. "I am still not understanding why these donuts are driven to attack us now and never any of the field operatives here before us." Carn said as the remainder of the group traipsed through the woods en route back to camp. "The spirits work in mysterious ways." Dan said as he led the way. "Legend dictates that malevolent forest demons are pent up in the trees until they are released. That could have been what happened in this case." "What is with us and being attacked by evil spirits?" Charlotte groaned. "First one possesses me, then another possesses Liz's hamster, and now a pack of angry donuts are possessed!" "Yes, we do seem to be a beacon for the supernatural." Dan said eerily as he phasered some vines out of the way. Emily chimed in "Ever think it might be caused by lack of a bond with-" "DON'T EVEN SAY IT!" Charlotte bellowed. They entered the clearing where the Tiber was parked. As expected, the camp was cleared out. "Commander Tagel?" Dan called out as he neared the runabout. "Oh where's that bitchy Bajoran now?" Charlotte huffed, looking around. Dan shook his head. "The Captain's unconscious in the runabout, but I can't find Axik..." A loud hiss echoed through the clearing. "Everyone, get inside!" Dan said, drawing his phaser rifle. "Commander, it is not a good idea for you to remain out here." Carn said. "Don't dispute the man, go!" Charlotte shouted. Dan traced the perimeter of the woods with his rifle, shining the light into the blackness. Then he saw it. It was downright huge. A croissant the size of a shuttlecraft. His tricorder beeped. Axik was IN the croissant. "Commander?" Dan hesitantly approached the croissant. "Can you hear me?" There was no response, just a slight bulging in the croissant. "Hold on, Commander." Dan dropped the rifle and drew his hunting knife from his belt. He hacked into the croissant, ripping it open as a thick substance that appeared to be cream cheese oozed out. "Wow, that actually looks pretty tasty!" Charlotte called from the runabout. Dan saw Axik floating in the cream cheese substance. "Hold on, I'll get you out of there!" Dan reached forward and grabbed Axik, pulling her out. Axik coughed, spitting out a gob of cream cheese. "Thank you, Dan." She looked up at him. A loud hiss came from the croissant as it began to move forward. Dan raised his rifle and set it to full power and shot at it, but only left small singe marks in the crust. "Come on!" Dan shouted as he helped Axik up. "Hurry!" He said frantically as the croissant gained speed. They were up the loading ramp now. "Lt. Cmdr. Rachow, take off!" Axik cried as she fell to the floor from exhaustion.. The Tiber lifted up off the ground, then stopped. "What's wrong?" Dan walked into the cockpit. "Our power is being drained. The donuts have just clung to the warp engines." Ben said frantically as he tapped the controls. The croissant seemed to have gotten larger, much much larger as the Tiber descended down into it's open mouth. "We have to shake them off somehow." Ben said, swerving the Tiber back and forth. "I'll try generating an electromagnetic pulse, that might cause them to lose their bond." Liz frantically worked the controls. The Tiber started shuddering as it began falling into the croissant, which had now swelled to be twice the runabout's size. "Hurry!" Dan shouted as the light's flickered. "Got it!" Liz hit the controls. The Tiber's hull lit up bright blue as the donuts fell to the ground. "Engines to full throttle!" Ben said. The Tiber shot up into the air, high, high above the donuts below. "Load a quantum torpedo." Dan said as he stared at the pack of donuts below, getting smaller and smaller in appearance as the Tiber ascended higher and higher. "Torpedo loaded, target locked." Ben smiled. "Fire." A bright white flash streaked down from the Tiber and hit the croissant, blowing it and the donuts around it into a fiery blaze of jelly and cream filling and singed crust. "Plot a course back to the Banshee." Dan smiled as he plunked down in a chair. "Who put you in command? Charlotte still has the authority." Ben asked. "Just shut up and do it before I hurt you." "YES SIR!" As the Tiber sailed along, Axik, fresh from the sonic shower, went into the back cabin where Jad lay. "Jaddy..." She said sadly, holding Jad's head in her lap and caressing his face gently. "Wake up, please. It's all over now." Jad's eyes opened slightly as he glanced up at Axik. "Imzadi?" "It's okay, it's over." She kissed Jad on the forehead. "Oh I had the strangest dream. We were camping and got attacked by these rabid donuts. And you, and you, and you were there." Axik stared around blankly as Jad pointed into thin air identifying people. "I think Dr. Issac needs to have a look at you when we get back. You just rest now." Axik checked to make sure everything was right before she left the aft cabin. One thing caught her eye on her way out. A tray on the table with one single donut on it sat near to Jad. Axik glared at it for a second, then shook her head. "Now I'm losing it." A hiss seemed to come from that direction. It could have been the ventilation system, but Axik was too startled by it. She marched over, grabbed the donut, got a glass of milk from the replicator, and shoved the donut in her mouth and started chewing. "You're not so tough now are you?" She asked aloud, then chugged the milk and swallowed. She turned and left the room as the Tiber made it's way back home. NEXT: For two years, the Banshee has had an audience. They are the Society for the Pursuit of Truth, and they are about to find out that an agent who can't keep herself out of trouble could lead them to their ultimate goal of exposing the truth about the Banshee and Section 31 in "The Truth is Out There, Part One."