Star Traks: Banshee "Q-Tips" By Brad Dusen He held the phaser rifle tight in his grip as he stalked through the Banshee's hallways. He scanned for any signs of movement against the red and blue carpeting. It could be hiding anywhere, in the shadows produced by the gold toned hallways recessed lighting fixtures, in a service compartment or an equipment bay. He breathed deeply, sweeping the tip of the rifle from side to side as if tracking an invisible target. "DiSanto to Vorezze." Vince's voice broke the eerie silence of the corridor. "What is it, Commander?" Jad asked, keeping his eyes glued forward. "I've finished combing Section 13-Alpha, no sign of it." Vince reported. "Move to Section 13-Beta and continue searching, Vorezze out." On the other side of the Banshee on the same deck as Vorezze, Vince rounded the corner to a long dead ended hallway. Then he saw it, sitting at the end of the hallway facing him. The hairy beast glared at Vince, it's yellow toned eyes filled with rage and fury. "DiSanto to Vorezze." Vince said hesitantly, afraid to reach for the phaser rifle he had hanging off his shoulder via a strap. "What is it, Commander." A low growl came from the creature, it's scraggly gray fur blowing slightly in the air current of the environmental systems. "I found it, sir. It's looking at me right now..." Vince stammered as he stared back at the ferocious creature that continued to cast a piercing gaze at him. "Don't make any sudden movements, Commander. I'll be right there." There was an eerie silence as Vince continued his stand off with the beast before him. It began to growl louder, hissing at Vince. "Captain, I don't think it likes me!" Vince said into his communicator, his voice tinged with panic and fear. "Vin, just don't move and you'll be fine, I'm almost there." The beast began to move forward down the hallway, gaining speed, it's claws extended and it's mouth open bearing it's fangs, ready to make the kill. "Captain, it's after me!" Vince shouted. He dropped his phaser rifle and reached blindly to pick it up as the beast continued to charge at him. "Hold on, Vin, I'm almost there!" Vorezze shouted. The beast became airborne, it's claws swinging madly. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Vince bellowed in terror. "Vince!" Jad ran forward in the hallway, his rifle activated and ready to fire. He rounded the corner and was shocked to see what he saw. Vince was on the floor, his face cut up. "He got me..." Vince stammered. "Ouch!" Jad flinched as he knelt down beside him. "Are you okay, Vin?" "I think so." He said, then turned to the captain, grabbed his arm and said in a haunting tone, "Kill it! Kill the bastard for me!" "Which way did it go?" "That way." Vince raised his arm and pointed down the adjacent corridor. Jad got up and slapped his communicator. "Vorezze to Burns. It's on deck 11, get down here so you can catch it." "Will do, Cappy." Charlotte said cheerfully on the other end of the link. Jad was off again down the hallway. Upon seeing the pain and suffering Vince was in, he kept his guard up. He found that his Betazoid mental abilities proves useless when tracking such a vile and ruthless creature as this, so he went on gut instinct alone, letting his primal hunting skills guide him as he navigated down the corridor. 'You know, I feel kinda like a Klingon doing this.' He thought to himself. 'Minus the body odor, that is.' He paused, then sniffed his underarm just to make sure. 'Oh yeah, shower fresh.' He smiled to himself, then continued. Vorezze's train of thought derailed when he spotted a figure move around the corner. He quickly followed, slowly turning the corner. He rounded the corner and aimed his rifle forward. "Now I have you, you bastard!" He bellowed, then looked to see a bewildered looking Lieutenant Rayhan standing there, shivering. "I... I mean so what if I stole that box of Ho Ho's off your ready room desk!" He stuttered. "I was going to get you a new box, honest! Just please spare me!" "Oh, umm, sorry." Vorezze said. "I thought you were someone else." "Uh, right." Rayhan quickly scampered off. Before Vorezze could think any more of it, there was a light but audible tapping of feet in the corridor ahead of him. "Thought you could outsmart me, eh?" Vorezze smirked to himself as he moved forward, aiming the rifle towards the floor. As he reached a corridor intersection, Vorezze froze as he heard a loud hissing behind him. He slowly turned as the beast jumped from its perch on the wall lighting unit. Vorezze ducked and blindly fired his phaser at the gray blur that scurried across the floor. The pulses of energy left singe marks on the carpet. "Get back here!" Vorezze bellowed, chasing the beast down the hallway. As he rounded the corner, he came face to face with a slightly shorter many who held the beast tightly in his arms and wore a Section 31 captain's uniform. "Are you enjoying your little game, here Captain, or do you truly wish the creature dead?" The man asked in an ominous but somehow juvenile voice. Jad looked up in both fear and irritation at the person he saw before him. "Q, what are you doing here?" He pointed to the beast "And with THAT!" The nearby turbolift doors opened and Charlotte came bounding out. She spotted the beast in Q's arms. "FLUFFY!" She said happily and scooped the animal out of Q's grasp. "Oh my precious kitty, I missed you so much." The ragged looking cat growled at Vorezze, then nuzzled up to Charlotte and purred softly. Charlotte snuggled the cat in her arms, holding it tightly. "I'll never let you out of my sight again! Never never never!" Charlotte held the feline as she marched back onto the turbo- lift. Vorezze stood in silence for a moment, then glanced over at Q. "So, umm, what brings you to the Banshee." He asked nervously, not really wanting to know. "I come here as a friend, Captain." Q said. "Can I call you Jad, I like being on a first name basis with all of the captains I harass, err, befriend." "But of course." Jad said dryly. "Perfect. I think we should go somewhere and talk." Q snapped his fingers. In a flash, the two vanished. Lieutenant Rayhan snuck into the Captain's ready room, clutching a box of ho hoes. "Heh heh heh..." The Trill giggled. "He'll never know I was in here." As he was about to set the box down on the desk, a flash consumed the room as Vorezze and Q appeared. "Uhh, Captain." He said, clutching the box of ho hoes. "This isn't what it looks like, honest! I was putting them back! Please don't shoot me!" Rayhan looked around nervously, then bolted out of the room. Ignoring what just happened, Vorezze turned to Q. "Just one question: where is that brat child of yours?" "Oh, I left Q Jr. in the care of a close family friend." Q smiled. Captain Kathryn Janeway smiled and she bounced the deliriously happy Q child on her knee, keeping him occupied. The child giggled joyously. "Wow, Captain," Lieutenant Paris turned around from the helm station on the Voyager's bridge. "You've really taken a shine to that child. I think you'll make a great mother." "Thank you, Mr. Paris." Janeway smiled. "And if I keep him happy, he'll hopefully turn that potted plant over there back into Commander Chakotay." Paris shrugged. "What's your hurry?" "Captain, I came here to congratulate you!" Q snapped his fingers and a cigar appeared in Vorezze's mouth. "I heard you will be joining me in the joys of fatherhood." Vorezze coughed out the smoke and placed the cigar on the replicator, where it promptly disappeared. "How did you find out?" He asked. "I'm omnipotent, I know everything!" Q said. "Like how you you and Axik, when both of you are in the mood and it's late at night like to play Cardassian/Bajoran Freedom fighter and have her tie you up and make you her hostage." Vorezze froze. "Umm, I never did that." He looked around nervously. "Well anyways, I was on my way here to give you some advice and I find that you are chasing around a cat with a phaser rifle?" Q shook his head. "That's not a cat, it's evil! Pure evil!" Vorezze protested. "And so is Dr. Lang's hamster, but do you go shoot him?" Q said. "Quite frankly I'm disappointed in you, Jad. Jean-Luc I knew would make an awful parent." "I'm devastated." Jad said drolly. "But I'll learn. No parent is perfect to start out with." "Well what are you going to do if your child does something wrong? Run after him with a phaser rifle." "We're talking about a person, not a cat!" "Well let's just see how you can handle this, then." Q snapped his fingers. "Good luck, Captain." In a flash, he was gone. Captain Vorezze was both too confused and too bewildered to speak. "Vorezze to bridge." There was no response. Jad turned and headed out his ready room door, located where the Battle Bridge door on a normal Galaxy Class bridge module would have been, and dropped his jaw as he looked around. "Oh my god!" He bellowed. The bridge crew had been reduced to infants. "Captain's log, stardate 53412.5: Q, in his never ending yet somehow never beginning wisdom has decided that the best way to teach me responsibility on parenting is to make me become the father of the entire crew. Unfortunately, this means that the 935 crew members other than myself on this ship have been physically reduced to infants. Mentally, they were already there, but now they are unable to take care of themselves and rely solely on me for their care." "Be quiet, please!" Captain Vorezze pleaded as he held a baby Commander David Riley in his arms, rushing the wailing infant to sickbay. As the doors slid open, he passed Brian, who's size difference to a toddler was hardly noticeable. "Computer, activate the Emergency Medical Hologram." The air rippled as the Andy Dick lookalike EMH Mark 2 appeared. "Please state the nature of the medical emergency." The hologram said with a slight accent that reminded him vaguely of the way Vince spoke. "I have a slight problem here." Vorezze said. "As an EMH, you are designed to help out with any kind of medical or potential medical problem, correct." "Yes," The EMH replied. "I am designed as a completely capable physician, as well as a Pon Farr reliever for female Vulcans." "I don't think you'll have to do that just yet." He handed Commander Riley to the EMH here. "What's wrong with him?" The EMH asked. "He needs his diapers changed." "That's your job!" "This is technically a potential medical emergency. Therefore you have to do it." The EMH cringed. "Oh okay." "Good." Jad smiled and nodded. "And when you're done, there are 113 others waiting in the hallway." "WHAT!?" Jad quickly exited. The halls were quiet on the Banshee. He had set up a large safe zone on various decks with child safe toys he'd replicated with the area bound by force fields so no children could escape. "This isn't so hard!" He said to himself. "Ah, but the fun's only beginning, Captain!" Q appeared out of nowhere. "You know, Q, I was wondering something." Jad said as he circled the god like entity. "Why are you so concerned with MY parenting skills, out of all the people's in the Quadrant?" "Because I care!" Q protested. "I care about the future of this Quadrant, you have no idea what things your child will do, just how important he will be to you and many others. "Besides," Q added, "It's a tradition for us Q's. You're getting off easy, you should see what my wife did to the crew of the Explorer." "Not sure I really want to know." "You know, Jad, I have noticed that you're slacking off on this little experiment. Having the EMH do your work and keeping half the crew caged up like animals. I think it's time you had more of a test." Jad chuckled nervously. "I don't really think that's necessary." "I do." Q smiled, then snapped his fingers. He promptly vanished in a burst of light. "Warning!" The computer announced. "Infant force field containment on Deck 16 has failed." "Damn you, Q!" Vorezze darted into the turbolift. "Lieutenant Rayhan, get down here, now!" Vorezze was actually shocked to see another grown adult. Lieutenant Carn stood by the warp core, looking up at the Trill child who was crawling over a plasma conduit. "Carn, why weren't you affected by this?" Jad asked as he darted into Engineering. "I was never a child." Carn explained. "Well it's good to have at least one adult around. I can't manage the whole crew by myself." "Warning! Disruption in the ODN flow. Power failure in 15 minutes." "The manual override is on the bridge." Vorezze said. "Carn, you try to find the disruption in the flow, I'll go bypass the power supply." "What about the children, Captain?" Carn asked. "Good question." Jad paused. "Can we trust them alone?" Rayhan dropped over the plasma conduit and into Vorezze's arms. "I would say not." Carn responded. Jad set Rayhan in the enclosed area around a series of side workstations. "We'll have to take our chances, if the power net fails, every baby on the ship gets loose." "I'll start working." Carn said as he opened a Jeffries tube hatch. "I'll be on the bridge." The turbolift hummed smoothly along as Vorezze stood inside. In a flash, Q promptly appeared beside him. "Almost noble of you, Jad, willing to risk the lives of a few innocent babies to save several hundred more." "If one of them is hurt by this in any way, I will hold you personally accountable." Vorezze said. The lift changed directions. "Oh Captain, this is all in good fun!" Q smiled. "You don't seem to take my little games nearly as well as Jean-Luc does." The lift doors opened at the bridge as Vorezze emerged, followed by Q. "It's my duty to protect this crew, whether or not they're babies." Vorezze said as he plunked down at an aft control station and began routing the ODN flow. "Yes, they're so vulnerable, so weak, so feeble. But then again so is most of the crew of the Enterprise at their age." Q said, perched on a station to the side. The red alert alarms went off. "Oh what now?" Vorezze whined as he scooted his chair over to tactical. "Oh it wasn't me!" Q said. "In fact I don't even know what's going on." "I'll tell you what's going on." Vorezze panicked, "We have 3 Voran warships closing in on us!" "Oh..." Q sighed. "Sucks to be you." He flashed away. Vorezze froze. "Vorezze to Carn, please tell me that you've found the source of the ODN malfunction." "Not as of yet, Captain, but I'm working on it." Carn responded. "RAYHAN! GET OFF THE PLASMA COOLANT TANK!" "Computer, ETA of the Voran warships?" "6 minutes until they enter weapons range." The computer replied. Vorezze plunked down at a control panel and began typing frantically. "Welay ateen!" A cherub-like voice sounded out behind the Captain. Jad spun around to come face to face with a pint sized Bajoran toddler. Jad paused for a moment, staring deep into the toddler's eyes with a glimmer of recognition. A single word escaped his lips. "Imzadi..." "Welay ateen!" Axik replied, attempting to form the words. "What are you trying to tell me?" Jad pleaded. He reached into her mind to try and contact her, the Axik he knew and loved before. The words then came from his own mouth. "Relay Eighteen." He turned to face the console and accessed Relay 18 off the Optical Data Network. The text "RELAY DOWN: CURRENT JAM" flashed across the screen. "Sose! Sose!" Axik pointed to the monitor. "Source? Is that the source of the malfunction?" Axik nodded. "Vorezze to Carn, get yourself to ODN relay node 18 and check for a clog in the network." "Aye sir." Carn replied. Carrying several toddlers who had proven themselves to be delinquent, Carn raced through the hallway, then pulled down a hatch to the Jeffries tube that looked vaguely like a chrome ironing board. "You stay here." He set the baby Commander Dan Smith down. "Don't move!" Carn climbed into the Jeffries tube and began looking around. Dan quickly ran off. "Two minutes until the Voran warships enter weapons range." The computer announced. "Computer, raise shields." Jad ordered. "Unable to comply, the ODN relay system is experiencing a malfunction." The computer retorted. "Damn you!" "Oxiwawy!" Axik tugged on Jad's pant leg. "What?" Jad looked down, confused. "Oxiwawy powa." "Use the auxiliary power generators?" Axik nodded again. "Computer, divert auxiliary power generators to the shield grid." "Shields have been raised." The computer confirmed. It took Carn a moment to spot it, since it's translucence blends right in with the isolinear chips. He grabbed it and pulled it out. "Carn to Vorezze, I believe that I've discovered the source of the block: there was a pacifier in the ODN relay." "Are systems back online?" "Yes sir." Carn responded. Jad hurried down to the helm console and plotted a course back into Federation space at maximum warp. The Banshee sped off at top speed. The Voran warships did not follow. "Captain's log, stardate: 53414.2: The Banshee was returned deep into Federation space after narrowly avoiding a skirmish with several Voran warships. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Carn and I still remain the only two adult officers on the ship." All was quiet on the bridge for Nap Time. Carn and Jad stood watch over them as they slept peacefully in their little blankets. "They look so peaceful and innocent at this young age." Jad said as he looked at the infants and toddlers who populated the bridge. "I mean look at Charlotte." He motioned to Commander Burns, who was snuggled up in a blankie, her nose ring dominating her petite face. "She almost looks sweet and innocent." "There is a certain tranquility to this." Carn said. "Perhaps this is why so many parents find raising children to be such a rewarding experience." "I agree totally." Jad said as he looked around. "As we found out today, they can be a handful, but in the end, to see them sleeping peacefully like this, it's worth it." One of the babies in the corner got up, and in a flash, turned into Q, still wearing a diaper and bonnet. "Congratulations, Jad." Q said as he stood up. Carn and Jad stood wide eyed at the near naked Q. "For the love of god, Q, not in front of the children!" "Oh all right." Q snapped his fingers and flashed into a Section 31 captain's uniform. "But I see now that my lesson has paid off. You know now what the perils and the promise of parenting are. You learned safety, communication and so many other things that you will need to know as a parent." "Yes, but it's kind of hard to become a father when the woman bearing my child has been reduced to a 3 year old." Vorezze added. "Well since you did this better than either Jean-Luc OR Kathy could have, I'll be nice enough to age them again. Until we meet again, Captain..." Q snapped his fingers and vanished. Promptly everyone on the bridge was engulfed in a flash of light, returning to their old selves. Charlotte sat up groggily. "Hey, we're back!" She said, examining her restored adult body. "So we are." Velorn noted. "All the better, I despise being a child. I haven't been one in 96 years, after all." "I actually liked it." Charlotte said. "It was nice being a virgin again for a few days." Axik woke up groggily on the floor of the bridge. She looked up to see Jad standing over her, caressing her face gently. "Jad?" She asked weakly. "It's okay, imzadi." Vorezze smiled. "You're fine." Axik smiled and reached up to kiss Jad. The two shared a long and emotional embrace. "GET A ROOM!" Ben bellowed. Later that night in Jad and Axik's quarters, the two sat staring out the window. "So what was it liked taking care of that many babies?" Axik asked curiously. "It was certainly interesting." Jad said. "I think the EMH is refusing to speak to me." The two laughed for a moment. "So you feel you're ready for this baby?" Axik asked, running her hand over her slightly bulging stomach. "If anything, this game with Q made me more ready. I really do owe him one." Axik smiled at Jad. The two kissed. They quickly stopped when a flash lit up the room and Q appeared. "Oh, I forgot to mention something." Q said. "If you ever need a baby sitter, just give Uncle Q a ring!" He snapped his fingers and vanished. Jad shook his head. "Between Q and the Banshee's crew, do you think our child will have any remote chance of a normal childhood?" Axik shook her head. "Not a chance in hell." NEXT: For two years, the Banshee has had an audience. They are the Society for the Pursuit of Truth, and they are about to find out that an agent who can't keep herself out of trouble could lead them to their ultimate goal of exposing the truth about the Banshee and Section 31 in "The Truth is Out There, Part One."