Star Traks: Banshee "Nine Months Too Long" By Brad Dusen "Why is it so hot in here?" Commander Charlotte Burns slouched up against her chair, her uniform jacket unzipped while fanning herself off with a PADD. "Commander Riley is working on the environmental systems now." Captain Vorezze sighed as he wiped the sweat off his brow. "Just sit tight and you'll be fine." "Water, ice cold." Commander Ben Rachow ordered from the replicator. He proceeded to dump it on his head and sit back down. "At least Vince, Liz, Axik and Pete are having fun." Charlotte muttered. "Where are they?" Ben asked. "On the holodeck." "How nice." Ben got up again and walked to the replicator. "Pillow, extra fluffy." He removed it from the replicator and proceeded to pass out onto it. It was cool and humid on the holodeck as Axik, Peter, Liz and Vince stood on the holographic tennis court. Vince was first to serve, hitting the ball accurately over the net to Peter, who leaned forward but missed. "Ha ha!" Vince cackled as he threw his arms into the air, as well as his racquet. "Look out!" Liz flinched as Vince was knocked to the holographic pavement. Vince picked up his racquet and dusted himself off, getting ready for the next serve. He glanced around. "What's wrong now?" Liz asked as she swatted a holographic bee away from her. "I can't find a ball." Vince looked around, then noticed several by Peter's feet. "Hey Pete, mind if I grabbed your balls?" Peter's head shot up and he began turning beet red with embarrassment. "Hey!" Vince shouted defensively. "That's not what I..." he began babbling incoherently as he threw his racquet down and stormed off the court. Liz paused for a second, looking at the match up of her against Peter and Axik. "I'll go and get him." She set her racquet down and ran off after the wailing tactical officer. After a few awkward moments of standing around alone, Peter piped in "Maybe I just shouldn't have paid notice to what he said." "No." Axik said softly. "He needs to learn how to take jokes." "For the last time, I have no interest in his crotch!" Vince shouted from the other end of the holodeck as Liz attempted to make peace with him. "Maybe he's just overreacting." Peter added. "I had sex with you, how much more proof do you need!?" Vince bellowed to Liz. Peter began to notice that Axik was rapidly panting. "Commander, are you feeling all right?" Peter asked as he began to pack up. "I'm fine." Axik said. "You don't look it. Do you need to go and see Dr. Issac?" "No, that's okay." Axik responded. "You're sure? I could help you down to sickbay." "I said NO!" Axik clobbered Peter over the head with her tennis racquet, breaking the strings and leaving it hanging around Peter's neck. Axik stormed off in tears as Liz and Vince came back to the court. Liz looked at Axik, who called for the exit and left. "Okay, what did you say to HER now!?" "You know, Commander," Captain Vorezze said in his usual sarcastic laughing tone, "It's not so much that the internal temperature is 45 degrees Celsius." Jad paced the perimeter of Engineering, holding his hands behind his back. "It isn't?" Commander David Riley asked as he followed the Betazoid around. "It's more the fact that YOU let it get this way." Jad turned around. "Actually, Lieutenant Rayhan was supposed to be monitoring the environmental systems." Dave motioned over to the Trill, who was busily playing a game of solitaire on the computer. "What?" Rayhan turned his head around. "Nothing." Jad and Dave said in unison. Vorezze continued to pace. "How much longer do we have to endure this?" "No more than a week at most." Dave said, then quickly backed out of striking distance of the captain. Jad sighed. "Just do it as fast as you can." "Okay, this is my best treatment for heatstroke." Dr. Brian Isaac said to an ailing ensign. "Close your eyes." Brian took two steps back, grabbed a hose and sprayed icy water all over the ensign. "AAAAAIII!" The ensign bellowed. "Take a towel and call me in the morning." Dr. Isaac said. "NEXT!" The doors parted as Liz came in with an ill looking Axik in her arms. "Let me guess, heatstroke?" Brian said as he aimed the hose at Axik. "No, she says she's freezing." Liz said as she rested Axik on one of the beds. Brian paused for a moment. "She's too cold?" Axik nodded, shivering. "Well then what the fudge is the problem?" Axik froze for a moment. "Wait," She said, "Now I'm getting hot. Really hot..." She said as she began perspiring profusely. "Eh, welcome to my world." Brian shrugged. "Now do you want me to hose you or not?" Axik nodded. Brian started the flow of water onto Axik. "STOP!!!" Axik shouted. Brian did so. "I'm so cold now..." She shivered. "Good, then my job is done." Brian muttered. "So..." Axik shivered violently, "Cold..." She collapsed on the floor. Brian bent down and slapped his com badge. "Isaac to sickbay!" "Doctor, we're IN sickbay." Liz reminded him. "Oh, right." Brian said. "I do not see the logic of this complaining." Captain Velorn said as he paced the length of the observation lounge. "Temperature should not affect performance in our duties." "In the perfect world, no." Vorezze said. "But in the real world, almost all species have the same 'comfort zone' temperature in which they work best." "Except the Breen." Commander Burns said as she lay draped over the conference table. "Well no one cares about the Breen." Jad sneered. "Well I am still not understanding why this is affecting crew performance." Velorn added. "Because our crew is a bunch of surly, incompetent morons." Vorezze shouted. "I wouldn't say that." Charlotte said. "It's just the vast majority." Jad groaned. "Sickbay to the observation lounge." Dr. Isaac said over the comm. "Doctor, this had better not be about taking that damned hose to the bridge again." Jad muttered. "No Captain. You need to get down here, there's something wrong with Commander Tagel." Jad's eyes widened. "On my way." He sprinted from the observation lounge. Charlotte and Velorn sat in complete silence for a moment. Charlotte said, "Ten strips of gold pressed latinum says he trips before he gets there." "You're on." Velorn replied. Captain Vorezze ran into sickbay holding his nose as he quickly found Dr. Isaac. "Captain, are you okay?" Brian asked as he walked up to him. "I'm fine, I just tripped and fell getting off the turbolift." Jad sniffed as he released his nose. "What about Axik?" Axik was sedated, laying on the main medical bed. "I have her sedated at the moment." Brian said. "I noticed." "I've also run all the standard tests on her to try to figure out what's wrong. She has no mutant DNA, alien parasites, mind control chips, unknown cybernetic implants or any form of a probe." Vorezze raised his eyebrow and looked at Brian. "Those are the standard tests?" "For this ship they are." Brian shrugged. "All I could see is that she does have an unusually high hormone level." Brian pointed to a display with a graph on it. "This is most likely triggered by her body's reaction to her pregnancy." "Can you wake her?" Jad asked. Brian took a hypospray and injected a stimulant into Axik's neck. She momentarily began to stir. "Axik," Jad said as he held her hand, "Wake up, hun, it's Jaddy." Brian fell backwards laughing. Axik slowly lifted her head up. "Jad?" She looked around. "Why am I in sickbay? And why is Dr. Isaac on the floor laughing?" "You had a hormonal imbalance." Brian said as he helped himself back up onto his step stool, still snickering. "But you seem to be better now." "That's good." Axik said as she sat up completely. "She's free to go, Captain." Dr. Isaac said. "But if she exhibits any more abnormal symptoms, call me." "Will do, Doctor." Jad said as he helped Axik off the medical bed. "Oh and Captain..." Brian picked up the hose and pointed it at him. "Keep that thing away from me." The two quickly hurried out. "Ugh, I don't know if I can take much more of this heat!" Axik said as she and Jad walked down the hallway. "The engineering department is doing everything they can to fix this problem." Jad and Axik rounded the corner to find Commander Riley in a Hawaiian shirt resting in a chair being fanned by two of his fellow engineers with palm leaves. "Commander?" Jad looked at Dave. "I'm, uh, concentrating." Dave smiled at them as he took a sip of his ice cold pina collata. "Right..." The two turned and headed down another hallway and got into the turbolift. "Deck 6." Axik said. The lift hummed along. "So are you feeling any better?" Jad asked. "Yeah, but I'm still pretty hot." Axik moaned. The lift halted and the two got off. "Well I think I have something that will definitely help." Jad smiled. "And that is?" Axik smiled back as they walked into their quarters. Jad walked over to a large box sitting near their bed. "It's an old, crude but efficient device I found while looking through the selections on the ship's hardware replicator. It's called an 'air conditioner.'" He turned it on and a blast of cold air shot out. "Ohh... I like that!" Axik said as she stood in front of it. "Well I think we should hit the sack." Jad said. "Isn't it a little early to be sleeping?" Axik looked at the chronometer. "Who said anything about sleeping?" Jad said slyly as he pulled Axik into the bedroom. Vince sat in the Twilight Zone that night reviewing reports on the weapons arrays from various engineering crewmembers. Vince noticed a person standing next to his table. He looked up to see Lieutenant Jason Herring standing there. "Yes, Lieutenant?" Vince asked. "Commander Riley wanted me to give you this report on the torpedo turret maintenance." Herring handed a PADD to Vince. "Thank you." Vince tossed it down with the stack of others. "And might I add, sir, that is an absolutely stunning outfit you have on." Vince paused, then looked up at Herring and raised his eyebrow. "It's my uniform." "Yes, but you look fabulous in it." Herring smiled. "You're point being?" "Well I was wondering if you would maybe like to go to the holodeck sometime and try out the Hawaiian Sunset program." Herring smiled. Vince rolled his eyes. "Lieutenant, I will tell you this once, and once only:" Vince took a deep breath and bellowed "I'M NOT GAY!" Herring jumped back slightly. "Now leave me along so I can drink my pink lemonade in peace!!" Vince turned back to his reports. After a few moments, Vince noticed another figure looming over him. "Lieutenant, I..." He spun around to face Commander Tagel. "Oh, hello Commander. Shouldn't you be in bed?" Vince asked. "I can never sleep after one of me and Jad's hot bedroom romps and I didn't want to wake him, so I figured I'd go for a walk." She sat down next to Vince. Vince sat there motionless for a second. "More than I needed to know, Commander." Vince said. Peter seemed to slide in from out of nowhere with his PADD for taking orders. "Hello Commander Tagel and welcome to The Twilight Zone. Might I interest you in a late night banana split?" "No, that's okay." Axik said. "Well how about some of my quadrant famous cream cheese pancakes?" "No." "A Fornadin Fizzy with extra whipped cream on top?" "I SAID NO!" Axik screamed as she shoved Peter back against the bar. Peter looked up, somewhat dazed. "Whatever you say..." He said groggily. "Commander, that wasn't very nice." Vince stood up. "SHUT UP!" Axik bellowed as she grabbed Vince's arm and hurled him towards the door. Commander Ben Rachow was on his way into The Twilight Zone when he found Vince going crashing into his arms. "Ummm..." Vince paused as he looked up at Ben. Ben quickly dropped Vince. Commander Dan Smith, who was sitting at the bar at the time, ran over to Axik. "Commander, are you okay." She grabbed a fork and aimed it at Dan. "Back off!" "Smith to security, I need a security team in The Twilight Zone, pronto!" Axik lunged at Dan, wresting the phaser from his holster. "Commander, no!" Dan shouted, but he was too late. Axik grabbed it. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" She wailed as she went running from The Twilight Zone. Everyone in the lounge stood in a shocked silence for a few moments. "Okay," Peter said, "For the rest of the evening, all drinks are half off!" "Smith to Vorezze!" The voice rang over Vorezze's combadge, just barely able to cut through the snoring. "Wha..?" Vorezze raised his head from his pillow and looked around. "Smith to Vorezze, wake your lazy ass up!" "What is it, Commander?" Vorezze grumbled in a half awakened state. "Your charming girlfriend is going on a rampage through the ship, attacking everyone who crosses her path and she's currently armed." Dan said nervously. "Oh, that's nice. Wake me if she gets vaporized." Vorezze rested his head back on his pillow and quickly resumed snoring. "Lang to Vorezze." Liz shouted over the comm, sending Jad leaping up off his pillow from the shock. "What do you want?" He asked, obviously annoyed. "I found something interesting down here, I think you'll need to see it to believe it." "But it's nice and air conditioned in here and the rest of the ship is so icky hot." Jad complained. "Oh be a man and take the heat, this is serious!" "Okay, but if that damned hamster starts humping my finger again, I will hold you personally responsible." Axik stalked through the halls of the Banshee in the searing heat, sweat glistening off her forehead. "Oh, hello Commander." Lieutenant Rayhan said as he passed her. "Congratulations, I heard you were having a baby." She shot him on stun. "I got this data from Dr. Isaac when I was running an experiment and I found something rather unusual about Commander Axik." Liz said as she pointed to a diagram of a Bajoran body on the screen in the science lab. "What is it?" "Well apparently this heat is causing a severe hormonal imbalance in her, one that is now causing her to lash out at us." Liz explained. "For her to get back to normal, we have to get the temperature back to normal." "YOU!" A shrewd sounding female voice said from off to the side. Jad and Liz turned to see a very disgruntled Axik standing by the door. "Oh, hi hun." Jad waved. "Please don't shoot me." "Stay away from him!" Axik pointed at Liz. "I know you want him bad! He's mine, you can't have him!" "Commander, I have absolutely no sexual interest in Captain Vorezze." Liz protested. "On the contrary, I actually think of him when I want to maintain my celibacy." "Hey!" Jad turned to Liz. "Whore, stay away from him!" Axik bellowed. "Commander Tagel, there is absolutely nothing going on between me and Jad." "GET AWAY!" She lunged at Liz and knocked her against the counter. "Commander, you're being completely unreasonable." Zeke wandered out of nowhere and walked along the counter towards Axik. Axik grabbed the scruffy little hamster. "You wanna play rough!?" She hurled Zeke against the wall. The dazed hamster passed out on the floor. "Oh no." Liz said, her voice suddenly going ghetto- bitch. "You did NOT just do that!" She began breathing heavily as she screamed, "NO ONE TOUCHES THE HAMSTER!" She lunged at Axik, knocking her against the wall and punching her square in the face. Axik got up and dug her nails deep into Liz's neck. "Bitch!" She bellowed. Liz kicked out Axik's feet from under her, sending the enraged Bajoran plummeting to the floor. Axik grabbed Liz's legs and pulled her down too, wrestling on the ground before Liz was thrown off of Axik. "Hey!" Jad bellowed as he tried to break the two up. Liz and Axik simultaneously shoved Jad away and he collapsed into a heap on the floor. Commander Riley paced Engineering, running out of options to solve this temperature problem. "Serric?" He called for his assistant chief engineer. "Yes?" The pudgy Bolian walked up behind him. "In all of our diagnostics to try and find something wrong with the environmental systems, have we actually tried simply turning the heat down?" Serric paused. "No, sir." Dave walked over to the master control panel and set the internal temperature to 16 degrees Celsius. He quickly felt a gush of cold air hit him from the air circulation ducts. "Okay," Dave shouted, "Who the hell turned the heat up and didn't report it!?" "Oh, umm..." Lieutenant Rayhan walked forward nervously, still rubbing the bruise he got from his prior encounter with Commander Tagel, "I was having a Hawaiian Luau in my quarters last week and I wanted the temperature to be authentic. I knew I forgot to do something after it was over!" Serric ran behind Dave and held him back as he charged at the mindless Trill. Captain Vorezze finally regained consciousness as Liz and Axik continued their brawl. He noticed it was surprisingly cooler now. "Vorezze to Engineering, did you fix the environ- mental problems?" "Umm, yes, Captain." Dave said nervously. "I don't know how you did it, but you should get a promotion for that." Vorezze out. He got up and ran over towards Liz and Axik. "Break it up!" He tired to pry the two apart from their rage. The doors to the science lab opened as Vince and Dan ran in clutching phaser rifles. "What should we do?" Vince asked as he looked at the three, unable to pick out Axik from the three. "Shoot them all." Dan said as he set the phaser for wide beam stun. "Captain's Log, stardate 53341.3: The temperature on the Banshee has returned to normal thanks to some hard work on the behalf of Commander Riley and the engineering staff. I am currently in sick bay as I am treated for bruises and phaser burns during a scuffle with Dr. Lang and Commander Tagel. I am pleased to report, however, that Dr. Isaac has confirmed that with the end to the heat, Axik's hormone level has returned to normal." "I'm so sorry about that, Liz." Axik said softly as she sat on the edge of a medical bed opposite of Liz. "I hope Zeke will be okay." "He'll be fine." Liz replied as she coddled the bandaged hamster. "And no hard feelings, I understand what the hormones must have done to you." "Okay, I've healed your bruises so you're free to go." Dr. Isaac said. "Thank you." Liz got up with Zeke and walked out. Jad came over to Axik and quickly kissed her. "How are you feeling?" "Much better, thanks." She hugged Jad. "So long as she isn't subject to extreme temperatures between now and when she has the baby, she'll be fine." Brian said. "That's a relief to know." Jad said. As Jad and Axik walked out, Ben came in holding his arms to his sides. "What is it, Commander Rachow?" Brian asked. "Well, doc, ever since the heat was turned down this morning, I've had a problem." "What?" "I'm freezing!" Brian walked over to the replicator. "Hot cocoa, scalding hot." He walked back over to Ben with the cup of steaming hot chocolate. "But I don't like hot chocolate." Ben complained. "Who said you had to drink it?" He tossed it on Ben. "AHH! HOT!" Ben screamed as he ran down the hallway. "My work is done." Brian smiled to himself. NEXT: There is an evil spirit on board the Banshee that has possessed Zeke the hamster. Can Dr. Lang save her beloved pet before his soul is totally corrupted? Find out in "The Petzorcist."