All references to the Secondprize, the Explorer, the Aerostar, and the runabout Raritan are used with the premission of Alan Decker and Anthony Butler. And trust me, there are a LOT of references. Star Traks: Banshee "Only a Matter of Time" By Brad Dusen TIME: n. 1) Indefinite, unlimited duration in which things are considered as happening in the past, present or future; every moment there has ever been or ever will be. 2) The entire period of existence of the known universe; finite duration, as distinguished from infinity. 3) A nonspatial continuum in which events occur in apparently irreversable succession from the past, to the present, into the future. -Webster's New World Dictionary, Third College Edition AUTHOR'S NOTE: Many of the events in this story relate to other time travel events, both Star Trek and Star Traks. To obtain a complete record of just how badly screwed up the timeline is, look in the beginning of "Irma's Fury," part of the Star Traks: The Vexed Generation website. Consult the Star Trek Encyclopedia for information on time travel events such as "Time's Arrow (TNG)," "Past Tense (DS9)," "Star Trek: First Contact," "Little Green Men (DS9)," "Future's End (VGR)." Also, you know, as well as I do, that these events never did happen; there were no UFO's a Disney, although if there were, that would be really creepy. Thank you and enjoy. APRIL 26, 1997 WALT DISNEY WORLD, EPCOT CENTER ORLANDO, FLORIDA The heat and humidity was quite intense as the crowd milled around the Spaceship Earth. A bank of large, black storm clouds was forming on the horizon, threatening to ruin a nearly perfect day. Something else would do it for them. It started as a slight rumble, growing louder and louder. The crowd looked up as an orange, arrow shaped object pierced the sky with alien writing on it. It disappeared into the storm clouds. "What the f*** was that!?" A Micky Mouse screamed as he shot up, dropping the small child on his knee to the hot pavement. There was another sonic boom as a larger vessel, this one smoother with a large saucer and glowing blue engines raced after the other ship, also vanishing in the clouds. "What was that?" Was the question being shouted in a jumble by almost every member of the crowd. "I saw something on the second ship." A man shouted. "What was it?" A woman asked. "What did it say." "It said USS Explorer, United Federation of Planets on the side." "Shit!" Another man shouted. A few glanced over at him. "Who are you?" The woman asked, staring at his odd clothing. The man was dressed in black with gray shouders, a dark red undershirt, four pins on his collar and a chevron on his chest. "My name is Alex. Alexander Rydell." The man responded. "And I think we might be in more trouble than we realize." STARDATE 52210.5 DOMINION HEADQUARTERS CARDASSIA PRIME Hanock entered the fortress-like structure that was Dominion Headquarters. She walked up to one of the Jem'Hadar guards. "Vorta Field Operative Hanock to see Weyoun, I have an appointment." She smiled as she handed the pass to a Jem'Hadar standing near the door. "Enter." The guard said emotionlessly. "I like Crotel better." Hanock muttered, making reference to her Jem'Hadar first. And he wasn't just her first officer, either. After walking down a long, top secret hallway, passing top level clearance labs, planning rooms and at least eighteen Starbucks, she arrived in Weyoun's office. "You wished to see me?" Hanock flashed a smiled. "Yes." Weyoun smiled. "I am in need of your services." "Oh all right." Hanock started to unzip her outfit. "No, not THAT service." Weyoun stuttered. "As you know, we have just finished work on your new command, the warship Veraka." The Veraka was a one of those new Dominion warships that was twice as large as a Galaxy-Class starship and three times as powerful. "Yes." Hanock smiled, thinking of the ass she could kick with her brand new warship. "Since the war has taken such and ugly turn now that Dukat has collapsed the wormhole, BASTARD!, I want you to show our strength by destroying one of the Federation's strengths." Weyoun said in his typical eerie inhuman way. He walked over to the wall mounted viewer and displayed the image of a Federation starship. Hanock could not see the name, but it was a Sovereign-Class with a registry of NCC-1701-E. "The Enterprise." Hanock had encountered it before in battle; she commanded a ship that was severely damaged when the Dominion lost Deep Space Nine, and the Enterprise was among the ships that participated in the attack. "Quite correct." Weyoun gave his usual evil looking smile. "This is what I want you to do. Take the Veraka to the Enterprise and destroy it." "Sir, the Veraka may be powerful, but the Enterprise is still a match for us." Hanock protested. "Nag nag nag!" Weyoun said. "Just do it!" "Captain, you're not seeing my reasoning here." Commander Charlotte burns protested as she walked down the halls of the Banshee aside Captain Vorezze. "I will not take care of your cat, Charlotte." Jad said. "But what would happen if I was to die?" "I'd be the happiest person in the Quadrant!" The captain snapped. The two entered a doorway leading into another string of corridors. "But what about poor Fluffy?" Charlotte said, proceeding to make meowing noises pathetically. "Can you say 'put-to-sleep?'" Jad asked. "Can you say 'castrate your captain with a dull butter knife?'" "Can you say 'new Chinese takeout on deck 21?'" Lieutenant Carn walked up to them. "Captain, may I have a word with you?" "Charlotte, there are some small children over there. Go frighten them." Jad motioned to a pack of youngsters headed for one of the schoolrooms. "Arrr!" Charlotte ran after them. "Ahhhh, it's that monster I saw hiding under daddy's bed!" One little boy shouted as the kids ran off. "What can I do for you?" Jad turned back to Carn. "Section Thirty-One reports that a small fleet of Dominion ships have arrived at Halrix II, requesting the last known location of the starship Enterprise." "Your point being?" "Among those ships was the Veraka." Carn said. "One of the new class of Dominion battleship." Jad nodded. "And that post belongs to Vorta field operative Hanock and her Jem'Hadar first, Crotel." Jad grumbled, recollecting the less than spectacular experience with Hanock and Crotel involving those two and a giant spider. "Is the fleet still at Halrix II?" "Yes sir." "Vorezze to bridge, cloak and plot a course for Halrix II, warp nine." Jad and Carn hopped into a turbolift as Charlotte ran by, chasing several children. "Why Lieutenant, you're looking very... anxious today." Baxter said to J'Hana as he walked onto the bridge of the USS Explorer. "Why is that?" "It has been too long since we were in battle." J'Hana said. "We have the power of a Galaxy-Class ship at our command and we can't even use it." "We could use them to blow up whoever assigned us to chart volcanic disturbances on Pluto." Ensign Ford said from conn. "Curious." Larkin said. "I do not understand the concept of boredom." "Trust me, you will." Baxter sat down in his command chair. "Although I'm not sure why Starfleet wanted to put two ships on this assignment." "Speaking of which," Larkin said, "the Secondprize is returning from her stop at the Dunkin Donuts on Jupiter Station." "Did somebody say donuts?" Dr. Janice Browning burst onto the bridge. "Look out, here comes the black hole." Ford grumbled. "This could be a long mission." Baxter shook his head. "Status report, Velorn." Jad said as he walked onto the bridge. "We are nearing the fleet of Dominion ships. ETA, three minutes." Velorn said. "Red alert, all hands to battle stations." Jad ordered. The lights dimmed even more below their ususal dimness. "Commander DiSanto, loaded forward torpedo bays and ready phasers." "Aye sir." Vince responded. "In weapon's range now, sir." "Target the Veraka and fire!" Seemingly out of nowhere, quantum torpedoes slammed into the side of the colossal battleship. The Veraka's bridge shook moderately. Hanock looked around. "Report!" She demanded. "I'm not sure." The weapons Jem'Hadar, Deva'ko, replied. "We were just hit by quantum torpedoes, but from where?" The Veraka shook again. "Well raise the shields!" Hanock shouted. "Yes, ma'am." Deva'ko responded. "Moderate damage to the Veraka." Vince reported. "Sir, there are two Galor-Class warships moving towards our position." "Target them and fire at will." The invisible Banshee threw forward a constant rain of torpedoes at the two approaching warships, knocking them off to the side. "Get us out of here." Hanock shouted. "Bearing 217 mark 234. Warp nine." "Course laid in." Helmsman Gora'din said. "Engage." "Sir, the Veraka and two Keldon-Class Cardassian ships have set a course for Earth." Vince said. "Errr..." Vorezze grumbled. "Set a course and follow them, maximum warp." "Runabout Raritan returning." Baxter somehow managed to say without messing it up as he and Counselor Peterman flew a runabout back to the Explorer. "You do have that good Dunkin Donut's coffee, don't you?" Conway asked over the comm. Baxter groaned, "Yes, Commander." "Raritan, we're detecting four starships approaching. Three Dominion and a Sovereign-Class Federation starship." Conway said. The four ships warped past, in hot pursuit of the other. "Explorer, get underway and help that Federation ship out, we'll follow you!" "Aye sir." The Explorer and Secondprize took off, chasing after the Banshee and the Dominion armada, charging towards the center of the system. "Okay, buddy, come on!" Vorezze said as the Banshee chased the Veraka towards the center of the system. "Take your best shot!" The Veraka shot back, striking the Banshee and rocking the ship. "Okay, that was good. Now its our turn. Commander DiSanto, ready Cataclysm Torpedoes." Axik spoke, "Sir, two Federation starships, the Explorer and the Secondprize, are in pursuit, transmitting the message 'we're ready to help you.'" The fleet was passing Sol at the moment. "Fire!" A red Cataclysm torpedo hurtled forward, passing the Veraka and sending out a huge explosion just off of the Sun. "Veer away! I don't want to be fried!" Jad cried. "And I'd like to get laid before I die." Ben mumbled, slamming down on the Banshee's flight controls. The Veraka, Banshee, Explorer, Raritan and Secondprize swerved to avoid the explosion, slingshotting around the sun in the process. "We're entering Time Warp!" Conway shouted as the bridge of the Explorer lit up. Splitting out of formation, the four ships and the runabout became bathed in pure light, accelerating through time before falling into darkness. PAIN! A LOT OF PAIN!!! That was all that Captain Andrew Baxter could think of as he looked up from the console his head had become embedded in. "Kelly..." He said weakly, looking over at Counselor Peterman. The counselor stirred, looking around. "Uhh, where are we?" She asked softly. Baxter began to fiddle with the runabout's shutters, finally flinging them open. They were on Earth, apparently crashed. And they had done so quite close on an old looking city. London. "Kelly, I think we might have a problem." Baxter sat back in the chair. "Report." Vorezze finally removed his head from the floor of the bridge. "Major systems are just coming back online." Axik said painfully as she looked at her flickering console. "There is no sign of the Veraka, the Cardassian ships, the Explorer or the Secondprize." "Were they destroyed?" Vorezze asked. "Everyone's got a wish list, but no." Axik said. "From these readings taken just before the blackout, it looks like the entire fleet was scattered throughout time when looping around the sun." "Where, or rather when are we?" "Judging by the solar evolution in the sun, I would say 1997, old Earth calendar day April 21. We are adrift near Earth's moon." "Dr. Lang," Vorezze turned to his head scientist. "Is there any way to determine where the other ships went?" "I'll try." Liz said. "No life readings, Captain." Jaroch said to Captain Rydell on the bridge of the Secondprize. "At least, no Human readings." "What do you mean?" Rydell asked. "According to this, we're several million years from the year we left. My guess is that Humans havn't evolved yet." Jaroch said. "Dillon, Hawkins, take a shuttle down and confirm that this is a pre-human Earth." Rydell ordered. "Sir, it against regulations to take a shuttle to a Prime Directive protected planet. The transporter would be much less of a problem." Dillon said. "Okay," Rydell said, "But I hope you can climb trees when the raptors attack you." "Shuttlecraft it is." Dillon smiled as he and Hawkins marched off the bridge. "Report..." Conway muttered as he looked up from the glowing line of tiles on the bridge floor. Larkin looked up, seemingly uneffected by the sudden journey through time. "We are under minimal power." She said. "Weapons, warp drive and replicators are offline." "What about the coffee maker in my bedroom?" Conway asked. "Offline." Larkin said indifferently. Conway gritted his teeth. "Excuse me." He marched into a turbolift. "FFFFF**********************!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Computer cannot identify that level of the Explorer." The computer said. Conway emerged from the turbolift, somewhat more relieved. The mouth of everyone on the bridge had dropped open. "Get the coffee maker working again!" Conway grumbled as he sat down. "And I guess we should try to find the Raritan." "From what I can tell, the Secondprize ended up approximately 64 million years in the past." Liz said. "But the readings are too vague to tell where any of the other ships went." "Sir, according to these readings, there are warp trails near Earth and transporter activity." Axik said from Ops. "What kind?" Jad walked over to her. "Some are older than the others, but some of the warp trails match those of an Intrepid-Class Federation ship, a B'rel-Class Klingon bird-of-prey, a Defiant-Class starship, an Excelsior-Class starship and a Nebula-Class starship." "I'd say this place has been busy." Vorezze muttered. "And transporter activity indicates that, AND a Defiant-Class starship." "Sisko." Vorezze muttered. "But the most recent is from a Dominion warship. Sensors are tracking numerous Cardassians, Jem'Hadar and Vorta on the surface, most likely altered to look Human." "We have to go down there. Computer, replicate late twentieth century civilian clothing, and computer, one piece of clothing from Nike or Tommy Hilfiger and I will deactivate you." "Understood." Vorezze turned to the rest of the bridge crew. "We're going down there. As we have been briefed in the event of time travel, try not to interact with many people and keep our technologies hidden. Maintain radio silence unless its absolutely necessary. We will pair off. Carn, you're with me. Ben, you're with Axik, try anything and you're sorry ass is mine!, Emily, you're with Brian, Velorn, you're with..." Jad stared at Velorn and Axik. "Brian can take care of our alien features." Axik said. "But if he thinks I'm wearing a bandage on my nose, he's crazy." "Fine, Velorn, you're with Charlotte. We'll meet in ten minutes in transporter room 3." "Shuttlecraft Parting-Gift to Secondprize." Dillon said as he piloted the type 9 shuttlecraft through Earth's atmosphere. This type of shuttle was also nicknamed the 'speedboat' shuttle and was the same type as the Voyager shuttlecraft Cochrane, which broke the transwarp barrier a few years back. "Go ahead, Commander." "There's no sign of intelligent life down here." Dillon said. "I'll say." Rydell smirked. Rain began to pour down on the shuttle's windshield. "Parting-Gift to Secondprize, there is a storm system moving in here. I'm setting her down until it passes. Hawkins and I can busy ourselves down here until then." "Okay, but if I find any stains on the carpet you're cleaning them up with your toothbrush. Secondprize out." "I wish I knew how to use these damn things!" Baxter said as he fumbled with a dermal regenerator. "Dr. Browning makes it look so easy." "She also makes inhaling an entire Jell-o mold in one slurp look easy." Peterman said in pain, bearing the bad wounds on her left leg. "It feels better, now. I think we should go into town and get some information." "Do you have any idea how primitive Western culture is?" Baxter asked. They had determined that they were in England, most likely during the 1880s. "They'd probably turn their noses up at us and act all snooty." "We have to know where and when we are. Besides, we'll probably see some cute bunnies on the way." "Fine, we'll go into town, but I don't think it's a good idea." "Well I think it IS a good idea." Peterman replied as Baxter helped her up. "The last time you thought something was a good idea, Charlie ended up with his mouth attached to Commander Conway's arm and Fritz was hanging off the warp core." "Leaving my door open and seeing a when we are are two completely different things, Andy." Peterman said as the two trudged off. Carn and Jad returned to the bridge later that day. Jad quickly collapsed into his chair. Jad immediately removed a pair of replicated Airwalk shoes and began rubbing his feet. "I didn't realize there were so many sidewalks in an Earth city." "It was New York, what do you expect?" Carn asked, still standing. "We need transportation, and not the transporters or shuttlecraft." "Need I remind you that we cannot purchase a car, seeing as though we have no money." "Can't we replicate some?" "No, the computer isn't allowed to do that, for fear that we might go back in time and use the replicated money, to use a human expression, to live the sweet life." "Sir." Lieutenant Rayhan turned from his temporary post at ops. "What is it?" "If you remember correctly, I am a fan of the media in Earth's late 20th century." The Trill responded. "Yeah." Jad shrugged. "I think I know of a place where you can get both a car and money and do it with your mental powers and Carn's preciseness." "I'm listening." Jad said. "Jad Vorezze, come on down! You're the next contestant on the Price is Right!" An overly jubilant voice said as Jad attempted to feign exitement as he ran down the isle, to a series of four microphones housing Carn and two other women he'd never seen. "Welcome, Jad!" Bob Barker smiled. "And now let's see the next item up for bid." Two models who, though attractive, looked at least fourty years old, came out pushing a microwave oven. The announcer proceeded to start knocking off information about the product. "Carn, I can tell what game their setting up next, and it is the one I can win. The microwave is $259, so I'll bid 250. I want you to win this next one, since the prize is a car. I'll lose the big wheel event, but you can win $11,000 if you do it right." "Yes sir." Carn whispered. "Jad, may I have your bid?" Bob Barker asked. "Uhh, $250, Bob." The other contestants rattled off different numbers. "And the actual retail price is..." Barker opened the envelope, "$259, Jad, you're our winner." The captain tried to act surprised as he ran up on stage. Dillon and Hawkins leaned back in the chairs of the shuttlecraft Parting-Gift. The thunder pounded outside as rain spattered on the shuttle's windshield. Hawkins picked took a sip from her glass of water and set it back down on the dashboard. There was a short crash of thunder outside. No, it wasn't thunder. Ripples formed in the water glass. "Travis..." Hawkins looked at Dillon as the footsteps got closer and louder. "What is that?" Dillon froze in fear as a shadow overtook the shuttle. "Ever see Jurassic Park?" The head of a Tyrannosaurus appeared in the side windshield of the shuttle, roaring loudly. Dillon and Hawkins only had one thing to say. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" "Hows it coming?" Liz asked as she walked into the shuttlebay. Dave was working on the runabout Brahmaputra. "Got it!" Dave said happily. "So we can take the Brahmaputra into other time periods and still be able to communicate with the Banshee?" "The temporal communicator is working fine." Dave said. "Okay." Liz got in. "Where should we slingshot to first?" "One of the ships may have ended up in the late 1600s." Dave climbed into the Brahmaputra. "And if it happens to be a Keldon-Class warship?" "Run like hell." The Brahmaputra left the Banshee and headed for the sun. Baxter and Peterman walked through the streets of London. "Hmmmph!" A passing woman in a heavy looking gown turned away from Peterman. "What's her problem?" Peterman asked. "You're wearing pants." Baxter said. "And you're not wearing a corset. Some women who do those are considered whores." "Well by their standards I am, we do live together and we're not married." "Good point." "Plus our clothing must seem a bit odd." Baxter added. "These people are used to frilly, ornate clothing and furnishings, while we're used to the contemporary, sleek look of Starfleet." "Floozy." An older woman muttered as she passed Peterman. "BITCH!" Peterman called after the woman. "Shhh..." Baxter said. "As much as that woman may have deserved it, this looks to be ancient England. They were very picky about things like manners." Baxter walked up to a man who looked like a police officer. "Excuse me, sir, could you tell me where we are." The man rattled off something with such a heavy English accent that Baxter couldn't understand a word he said. "Thank you." Baxter moved off. "Cheerio." A man said as he passed Baxter and Peterman. "Yes, I had them for breakfast." Baxter said. Commander Conway gripped the command chair, shaking nervously. "Coffee... coffee..." He stuttered. "We're working on it!" Tilleran shouted. The Brahmaputra emerged from time-warp. Liz looked at the sensors. "We're in the year 1692." Liz said. "I'm detecting one Cardassian in the village of Salem, Massachusetts." "Well let's go find him." Dave got up. "Late seventeenth century clothing, colonial style. The computer churned out several black and white garments from the replicator. A few moments later, Liz emerged from the aft cabin, dressed in a black dress, white apron and a white bonnet. "I look like someone from Amish country!" Liz protested. Dave turned around, wearing buckle shoes, breeches with knee- tights and a big black hat with a belt buckle on it. "And how do you think I feel?" Dave asked. Liz burst out laughing. "I feel like I should be in the annual Thanksgiving Day play!" "I'll note that to Captain Vorezze when we get back." Liz chuckled as she and Dave stepped up onto the transporter. "Energize." Charlotte and Velorn stepped into a dark allyway as she hit her combadge. "Burns to Shuttlecraft Letterman." Charlotte said. The Banshee's four primary shuttles, the Letterman, O'Brien, Leno and Kilbourn were flying all over the planet, using air traffic lanes so they wouldn't be caught. "What is it, Commander?" The Letterman's pilot asked. "I need you to scan the area for any Vorta, Cardassian or Jem'Hadar lifesigns." "Of course, we're..." The transmission suddenly stopped. "Shuttlecraft Letterman, come in." Charlotte said, then looked at Velorn. "Letterman, come in!" Velorn said. "Velorn to Banshee, two to beam up!" Liz and Dave walked through the primitive looking village that was Salem. "Remember," Dave said, "These people are so religious that they make Emily look Atheist." "You!" A townsperson walked up to Liz and Dave. "What are you doing with that slave!?" Dave's mouth dropped open. "Slave? I'm not a slave!" Dave said. "Quiet!" The man shouted. "Come, you best be getting home." The man pulled Liz away from Dave. Dave was about to chase when his tricorder started beeping. Moving to a secluded area of the town square, he flipped it open. The Cardassian was nearby. "Now you be a good lass." The man walked away as he stood Liz a few hundred feet away from Dave. "Liz." Dave ran up to her. "The Cardassian is that man." Dave motioned towards a man with an unusually wide neck. "The tricorder confirmed it." The man must have seen them, because he drew a Cardassian phaser. Before the Cardassian could attract attention to himself, Liz whipped out her phaser and shot the Cardassian on full power, vaporizing him in a bright flash of light. The townspeople looked at her, then began screaming "Witch! Witch!" "Liz, I must have forgotten to mention that this is the year of the Salem Witch Trials." "Now you tell me!" Liz shouted as the angry mob loomed closer. "I never knew Human culture was so odd at this point in your history." Axik said to Ben as they walked down the sidewalk along the Genesee Country Mall in a small town called Batavia, New York. Axik was wearing a normal looking business suit with her Bajoran nose ripples removed and Ben was wearing a men's business suit. "I never thought it was odd." Ben shrugged. "What were the Bajorans like at this point in history?" "As Q once put it, 'They really knew how to party back then.'" Axik responded. "But still, observe those three people walking down the sidewalk on the other side of the street." Ben looked over to see three people, walking alone and apart from each other. "What about them?" "Look at the way each person is dressed." Axik said. "Exibit A: A teenaged male wearing baggy clothing, oversized, and most likely overpriced sneakers and all of his clothing bearing the same odd symbol that looks like a check mark." "I see." Ben nodded blankly. "Exibit B: A woman in her mid-twenties wearing an outfit which would, on some planets, be considered indecent exposure." "Not in my book." Ben drooled. "She also has heavy makeup, puts blond highlights in her hair and..." Axik squinted, "There is no way those things are real." "I'd sure as hell like to find out." Ben said. "Exibit C: A..." Axik looked at the other person walking down the street. "I can't tell, wearing all black clothing, has its hair dyed black, wears black lipstick and, judging by the look of it, doesn't spend too much time in the shower." "So people on Earth dressed weirdly." Ben shrugged. "I'm sure a person from this era would be just as frightened to see someone from the fifteenth century or around then." "There goes one now." Axik motioned to a man stumbling down the street wearing an outfit that looked like that of a Spanish Conquistador. "Most likely someone who needs mental help." "Or a spot on Jerry Springer." The two started walking again. Axik glanced down the street and saw a figure walking down the sidewalk at them. "Uh oh." She said, then grabbed Ben's face and planted her lips on his for a long duration of time, until the person had passed them. "Hello!" Ben said as Axik finally released him. "Sorry about that." Axik wiped her mouth off. "That looks like your ancestor and I didn't want him to see you." Ben glanced down the street at a man looking exactly like him, though maybe seven years younger. "Oh, you can hide me that way anytime without having to apologize." "Actually, I was saying I was sorry about not spraying breath freshener in your mouth before doing that. You just had to have garlic chicken for lunch?" A man walked after Ben's ancestor and Axik's tricorder went off. She opened it up. "Vorta." She said. "Hey, can I use your cell phone, it's an emergency?" A man walked up to Axik and Ben. "I'm sorry, this isn't a cell phone." "I said give it to me!" The man swiped the tricorder from Axik's hand and ran off. "You save... yourself." Axik said to Ben. "I'll catch our little tricorder snatcher!" The two split up. Axik ran after the man who stole the tricorder, screaming, "Come back here you primitive evolutionary backslider!!!" "The Letterman is not responding." Rayhan looked up from ops. "And we are not detecting its impulse signiture anywhere on the planet." "Shuttlecraft Kilbourn, are you getting any reading on the Letterman?" "Negative, Commander." The pilot of the Kilbourn said. Charlotte sat down in the command chair. "What flight path was the Letterman flying through?" "Phoenix to Las Vegas, Commander." Rayhan said. "What shuttles are left and ready to go?" "We can have the Carson ready in five minutes." Charlotte paused. "Who are the shuttles named after, anyway?" "Late night talkshow hosts." Rayhan said. "Ah." Vorezze and Carn walked onto the Banshee's bridge just as Charlotte and Velorn took the other turbolift to leave. They had completed their experience on the Price is Right, winning a Ford Explorer, $19,000 playing Plinko and a trip to the Bahamas. They spotted Rayhan, who was monitoring the television broadcasts from ops. He looked like he was crying. "I can't believe that Stan would cheat on Marsha like that." Rayhan sobbed. "Soap opera." Jad mumbled. "Rayhan, have you spotted any- thing useful?" "Only that Jack is the father of Emma's baby." Rayhan cried, "And Emma's hustband, Tyler doesn't even know it!" "I meant anything on our search for the Dominion." "No." Rayhan shook his head. The image of the soap opera was quickly replaced by another image reading "Special Bulletin." "Wait, captain, you might want to take a look at this." Rayhan said. He put the television feed on the viewer. "This is Tom Butler with Fox New First, WUHF Rochester. We have recieved a report that a man is being chased by a, quote 'really bitchy woman,' in the small town of Batavia, New York over what is apparently a stolen cellular phone." The image changed to live footage of Axik chasing the theif down the street, screaming "Come back here you pathetic excuse for an evolved life form, you son of a Klingon targ, you!" "Oh my god." Jad's mouth dropped open. "I would say that the description of her as being a 'really bitchy woman' would fit her in this case, wouldn't you say, Captain." "Oh, we have just recieved word that there has been a murder only a few hundred feet down." Butler said from the studio back in Rochester. "Batavia police have just apprehended Ben Rachow and have taken the unidentified body to the BPD morgue." "This isn't good." Rayhan said. "I know, Ben's been arrested!" "No, now I can't find out if Kyle is going to propose to Jamie!" Rayhan sobbed. "Rayhan, let me ask you this: is that you or the symbiont talking... and sobbing?" "Both." Rayhan sniffled. "Should have known." Jad groaned. "Come on, Carn, let's use some money to bail Ben out." "What about Commander Tagel?" "If she kills the man who stole her tricorder, I'll give her the 'just because the scum deserved to die anyway doesn't mean that you should have killed him' speech... again." "Engage the impulse engines!" Dillon cried in a nervous panic as the T-Rex stared hungrily through the shuttle's windows. "I can't!" Hawkins shouted, "The rainwater is cloggin the plasma flow conduits!" The shuttle rocked as the Tyrannosaurus headbutted the Parting- Gift, then locked his jaws around the top of the shuttle, crunching into the duranium hull. "That's it!" Hawkins screamed. "No more Ms. Nice Security Cheif. READY WEAPONS!" "We can't! For all we know, that Tyrannosaurus eats an animal that would have eaten the missing link between monkeys and Humans!" "What a load of crap!" Hawkins shouted. The shuttle's ceiling snapped off as rain came pouring in. The Tyrannosaurus stuck his head in and looked around. "Wait, please!" Dillon pleaded. "I have friends and a family! Eat them!" A gold beam pierced the night, striking the Tyrannosaurus with more force than a hand phaser. Dillon and Hawkins looked up as the Secondprize tore through the atmosphere, firing low powered, but still powerful, phaser blasts on the Tyrannosaurus. Hawkins and Dillon were beamed up and the remains of the Parting-Gift tractored on board. "Thank you, Captain!" Dillon ran onto the Secondprize's bridge and hugged Rydell so hard that it made Counselor Webber's hugs seem loose. "Urk... Get off me, Commander!" Rydell gasped. "Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!" The townspeople of Salem chanted. "I think you're being a little paranoid, here." Liz stuttered as she was strapped to a post with kindling placed under her. "Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!" The continued. Dave was unable to render help, seeing as though he was being tied to the post next to her for aiding a witch. "People!" A minister stood in front of Liz and Dave and spoke to the crowd. "Finally, someone with some common sense." Liz said. "No, he's a hardcore Christian." Dave sighed. "Damn!" The minister continued his speech. "We must make these two a lesson to all who would dare practice the arts of Satan and attempt to make our community unpure with their evil thoughts!" "There's someone who never got laid on prom night." Liz groaned. "We must show Satan and all his followers that this kind of sick thing must not be tolerated!" "Don't tell me: spanked as a child." Dave said. "And that evil will be abolished from our lives, so that we may enter His kingdom come death!" "Oh shut up!" Liz shouted. "You people are morons!" "Liz, this isn't the 24th century!" Dave whispered. "Everyone still believes in whatever religion they grew up with. It wasn't until the early 21st century that Atheism became the norm." "May your soul burn in Hell for eternity!" The minister shouted as he was handed a torch, then slowly lowered it towards the wood. "Excuse me!" A man called from behind them. "Before you barbecue those two, could I get a cup of coffee?" Conway stepped out, wearing his Starfleet uniform. "Commander!" Liz shouted, seeing the three rank pins. The townspeople turned to Conway. "She called him commander!" The minister shouted. "He must be Satan!" "Uhh, no!" Conway said unconvincingly. "I am... uh... a messenger from... uh... God! I have... er... um... come to take these two to... er... Heaven... to face God's wrath in person." "Prove it!" The minister said. "Conway to... God." Conway slapped his combadge. "Since when do you think I'm God?" Transporter chief Lt. Hartley asked. "I would like you to transport myself and the two people on the stakes to Heaven." "Whatever." Conway, Liz and Dave became engulfed in a blue light and vanished. The townspeople gasped. Liz and Dave walked onto the bridge of the Explorer, having changed back into her Section Thirty-One uniform on the Brahmaputra, which the Explorer had tractored in. "Thank you, Commander." Liz said. "But I must ask why we didn't detect the Explorer earlier?" Conway offered an explanation. "There was a Cardassian warship in orbit and we had chased it out of the system and destroyed it, but it had beamed someone down." Liz nodded. "Is everything taken care of in this timeline?" "Yes." "We should rendezvous with the Banshee in the year 1997. We think the Veraka is hiding out in the system somewhere in that time." "Larkin, can you make the calculations?" Conway asked. "I believe so." Larkin said. "And commander, by the way." Liz said. "The replicators on the Brahmaputra are working fine and know how to make every kind of coffee out there." "Larkin, I'll be in the main shuttlebay." "Oh, Ensign Ford." Liz said. Ford turned to look at her. "I saw you looking through the runabout's window when I was changing." The Explorer flew off towards the sun at warp. Hanock knew that Commander Rachow was being held in the Batavia precinct, so she stood near a hot dog kiosk on the opposite of the stationhouse wearing Human makeup. "Give me another one." She said to the kiosk's owner. "This is your thirtieth one, I think you've had enough." The owner said. "I'll tell you when I've had enough!" The Vorta bellowed. A dark green Ford Explorer pulled up to the staiton house, driven by Carn. Hanock didn't know Carn, but she did know that there was something unusual about him. His hair? No. His clothes? No. The way he walked? No. The fact that he could parallel park perfectly? Maybe. She decided to follow him. True, the project's chairman had dissapeared following the launch of what was said to be his private jet, but the Griffith Observatory did not close. A young woman named Rain Robinson was reading a magazine when she detected something. A large discharge of gamma emissions. She remembered her last fateful encounter with gamma emissions ended with her getting involved with some guy from outer space who worked on a ship called Voyager. These emissions were stronger, suggesting a larger vessel. Rain shrugged and sent a SETI greeting to the ship. "Banshee, this is the shuttlecraft Carson." Charlotte said into the Carson's comm system. "Go ahead, Carson." Jad said from the Banshee. "I'm picking up a power signiture near a military base in Nevada." Charlotte said. "Be careful. The US army might have captured the shuttle. It is already rumored that they could possess some Ferengi technology." "Somehow I doubt that." Charlotte said. There was a sudden flash of light that came up from Area 51 and hit the Carson. "Captain, they shot up with a phaser beam from the Letterman." Charlotte shouted. "Inertial dampers failing." Velorn said as the shuttle tumbled towards the base. "Something tells me this is not my day." Charlotte said. "Commander, a water pipe broke in your quarters." Vorezze said. "Grrrr..." Captain Vorezze smiled as the comm channel closed. "Sir, we're getting a message on a primitive radio signal." Rayhan said. "And James dumped Gwen!" "On screen." Vorezze sat down. "Greetings!" The message said in a variety of languages, flashing pictures of people and various parts of Earth, as well as the planet's location. "SETI greeting." Rayhan said. "Someone knows we're here." "Someone else knows, too." Vince said from tactical. "Incoming Dominion warship from the far side of Jupiter. The Veraka." "Red alert, all hands to battle stations." Vorezze said. "Load torpedoes and ready phasers." "We're being hailed." Rayhan said. "On screen." "Hello." Crotel said demonically. "I am Jem'Hadar first Crotel of the Dominion battleship Veraka." "How nice to meet you... again." Jad leaned back. "Seeing as though we are in your capital's past, we felt that we would disrupt the flow of time so that the Federation no longer exists in the future. Have a nice day." The transmission ended. "Charming." Vince muttered. "Load cataclysm torpedoes and fire." Jad ordered. The Banshee shot out the blood red orbs that impacted the Veraka on side engines nacelle. The warship shot back with a hail of weapons fire and the shields of the Banshee became a fireball. "Rayhan, evasive manuevers, pattern omega 3." Vorezze ordered as the bridge rocked. The Banshee shot back as it flew into Earth's atmosphere, turning red with fire, before looping out, doing a vertical U-turn and shooting phasers at the Veraka, knocking its roll bar off. That was a very difficult maneuver, given the sheer size of the Banshee. The Veraka fired again, this time knocking the Banshee down into the atmosphere. The Banshee desperately shot back against the massive warship, but the beams were reflected off their shields. "Hang on!" Jad said as a white quantum torpedo crashed into the Banshee's side, knocking it farther down into the planet's atmosphere. It was then that salvation arrived in the form of a Galaxy-Class starship. The Explorer came at warp speed from the sun, its Defiant-Class phaser cannons ablaze with light that it threw at the Veraka, and quantum torpedoes lighting up space as they pounded against the shields of the mighty ship. The Veraka turned and sped off. "The Veraka's retreating." Vince said. "Let them go." Vorezze sat back down. "Damage report." "Shields are down, stress to the bulkheads on decks 13-24." Rayhan said. "Incoming transmission from the other Federation vessel. According to this, the USS Explorer." The Banshee was getting more messages today than it had in the past week. "On screen." "Captain, are you okay?" Dr. Lang asked. "Fine. I take it you found help." "After almost getting burnt at the stake." Liz said. "Somehow that makes sense." Vorezze responded. "I'm Commander Conway of the Explorer." Conway stepped forward. "Where is Captain Baxter?" Vorezze asked. "We're not sure. He was in a runabout when we time-warped." "Hmmm... Dr. Lang, Commander Riley, come back on board. We'll try to find the runabout." "I wish I knew, captain." Jaroch shook his head. "I can't locate either the Explorer or the Banshee." Rydell walked back to the science station. "Can't you tell when the other ships are by the angle they looped around the sun at?" "Wait." Jaroch said. "If I trace the speed of the curve and multiplied that by a factor of 12, that would give me the square root times 4587 plus one of the warp effect, then divide that by 956 and you get the sum of the three years the three ships ended up in, then all you have to do is divide pi by velocity of each craft, round it off and add 47 to get the year each ship arrive in. It's really quite simple." Rydell looked ahead blankly. "Uh huh." Jaroch quickly made the calculations. "According to this, the Banshee is in 1997 and the Explorer is in 1692." "Head to 1997 first." Rydell said. "So that's the speed of warp 9.5 times the circumference of the sun plus..." "Do it in your head!" Rydell shouted. "Yes sir. I have the time-warp calculations." "Helm, set a course for 1997." Rydell said. "Engage!" "Carn!" Ben said happily as he flew to the front of his prison cell. "I am so happy to see you!" "I would imagine that your ordeal would permit jubilance." Carn said. "And I have paid your bail. You may go." "Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Ben said, hugging the android. "May I ask why you are slobbering all over me?" Carn asked, detaching Ben from his replicated Armani suit. "You save me from..." Ben looked around, "prison showers." "You are referring to the possibility of being homosexually raped while you are bathing." "Yes." Ben said. "Then I could see why you would be grateful to see me." Carn said as he led Ben out of the cellblock. "I would have been real gentle, Benny!" A large, hairy inmate called from the neighboring cell as Ben and Carn left. "Captain's log, stardate... wait, what stardate do I? Never mind. The remaining members of the Banshee's crew, save for Charlotte and Velorn, have returned to the Banshee to figure out how we can find the Veraka and our two lost shuttlecraft, as well as recover the Vorta body from the Batavia Police Department's morgue and finding Captain Baxter and Counselor Peterman, still lost in the past. And I guess we should be concerned about the Secondprize, too." "I can't tell much from the Raritan's angle as it looped around the sun, but I can tell you that it ended up in the eighth decade of either the eighteenth, nineteenth, twentieth or twenty-first century." Dr. Lang said as she presented data on the Banshee's bridge viewer. "So it's either in the 1780s, 1880s, 1980s or 2080s." Conway said. "I just said that." Liz quipped. "If we can take the Brahmaputra to any time in that decade, I can activate a new device I created that should allow us to track abnormalities in time for a ten year time-span, such as duranium or anti-matter." "Good." Vorezze said. "Now what about Charlotte and Velorn?" "Since when are you concerned about those two?" Axik asked. "Since they were lost in my favorite shuttle." "Gotcha." "Area 51 uses Ferengi technology." Carn said. "Captured when a small Ferengi starship piloted by some bartender named Quark from Deep Space Nine accidentally traveled to the year 1947 and was captured by the US Army." "I hate Ferengi." Dave muttered. "Everyone does." J'Hana said. "Especially after one attempted to seduce me by complimenting my antennas." "They are very nice." Ben said. "Long and slender, just like something of mine that's very nice." J'Hana picked up Ben and through him across the bridge. "Comment about THAT again and and you'll be a few inches shorter, if you know what I mean!" She roared. "It is likely that they will find the shuttle much more interesting, since they have weapons and our enemy-user-friendly computer interface." Vorezze said, ignoring the airborn helmsman. "So they could learn how to create Federation technology by the Letterman and Carson's computer systems?" Explorer chief engineer Richards said. "Yup." Vorezze sat back in his chair. "We have to find the shuttles, find your captain and find the two more Dominion ships before we can go back to the future." "That was a good movie." Conway said. The others looked at him. "Well it was!" Rain sat in the Griffith Observatory, tracking what was now two sets of gamma emissions. It was then that a strange looking woman walked in. She looked human, but there was something about her that seemed otherworldly. "Hello there, Miss..." "Robinson." Rain said weakly. "Rain Robinson." "My name is Ms. Hanock. I need to know if your tracking anything unusual in Earth orbit." Hanock smiled. The Veraka was fairly damaged so she didn't know where the Banshee and Explorer were hiding. "Yeah." Rain said. "How'd you know." "Oh nothing." Hanock smiled. "If that suddenly changes, let me know." Hanock removed a small piece of paper with a fake corporate logo and a telephone number that was actually the subspace radio number for the Veraka. "Here's my card. Call me." As Hanock walked out, Rain looked at the card. It read: DOMINION ENTERPRISES 47 CARDASSIA STREET BEVERLY HILLS, CA, 90210 555-4781 MS. HANOCK Rain shook her head and tossed the card down. "Where do I find these people?" Agent Fox Mulder walked into his office in FBI Headquarters. Is partner, Agent Dana Scully, was sitting there, waiting for him. "Hey Scully, look at this." He popped a tape into his VCR and hit PLAY. There was what looked like two ships, one larger than the other, exchanging weapons fire. Then another ship showed up, similar but slightly taller in height and shorter in length than the smaller ship. There was another exchange of weapons fire and the larger ship pulled away. The tape ended. "This was shot by a freelance astronomer through his telescope." Mulder said. "No." Scully said. "What?" "I know what you're thinking, Mulder. No, we're not going to investigate this." Scully walked over and hit eject on the VCR. She grabbed the tape and threw it into the trash. "Why not?" Mulder asked. "Because the last time we did something like this, I ended up waking up with a computer chip in the back of my neck!" "Okay." Mulder shrugged. "How about this: There is a guy in some small town who claims to be seeing monsters in the forest." Mulder offered. "Great, more Jerry Springer rejects." Scully sighed. "That sounds safe, let's go." The two walked out. "Tape's probably a hoax anyway." The Brahmaputra arrive in the late 1980s. "This is odd." Carn said to Liz as he looked at the readings. "There are some strange readings coming from New York City." Liz got up. "Let's check it out. But I'm not puffing up my hair in that 1980s style." Carn and Liz materialized in an allyway and saw several people running in a nervous panic. The two walked out onto the street, looking in the direction people were running in. There were loud, rythmic squishes, almost like footsteps. "What's going on." "Doctor..." Carn turned to see what they were running from. "Wha- OH MY GOD!" Liz screamed. A hundred foot marshmallow with the words Stay Puft written on his sailor's cap was sauntering down the streets of New York. "This must be that big ghostbusters scare." Carn said. "Lang to Brahmaputra, two to beam up! Energize!" Liz and Carn vanished just before the giant marshmallow foot of Mr. Stay Puft would have stepped on them. "Commander, an Excelsior-Class starship has just emerged from time-warp." J'Hana said on the Explorer's bridge. "It's the Secondprize." "Ah, good." Conway said. "And we've gotten your coffee maker back online." "Ye-haw!" Conway screamed. "Found them!" Carn said as the Brahmaputra entered the 1880s. "Where?" Liz asked. "They're in London. Their runabout crashed just outside the city." "Great, time to play dress-up again." Liz groaned. After a few minutes, Liz and Carn materialized in a London allyway. "Ugh! How did women wear these things?" Liz gasped for breath. "Your corset is actually loose." Carn said. "And look at this!" Liz protested, pointing to her butt, which stuck out a good foot from the rest of her body. "Why was this considered attractive?" "Well the sooner we find Baxter and Peterman, we sooner you can change back into your uniform." The two walked out into the street. "Starfleet com-badge just up ahead." Carn said. Liz started to walk swiftly, only proceeding to trip on her dress and fall. "Arrg! Thank god humanity has outgrown this!" She got up and continued walking. "Please, someone, we need food!" A voice up ahead pleaded. "We have no money and no replicators." "Baxter." Liz said. "It's hopeless." Baxter plunked down on the curve next to Counselor Peterman. "These people just don't care." "Captain Baxter." A voice said from behind. Baxter turned to see a somewhat pale looking man and a beautiful woman in nineteenth century clothing. "How did you..?" Baxter stuttered. "I'm Dr. Elizibeth Lang, this is Lieutenant Carn of the starship Banshee." "Oh thank god!" Baxter stood up and hugged Liz. "Urk!" Liz gasped as the breath was pushed out of her. "I'm wearing a very tight corset!" "Sorry." Baxter released her. A few minutes later on the Brahmaputra, Liz had hastily removed her corset and put her uniform back on. "The remains of the Raritan have been tractored into orbit." "Destroy it." Baxter said. The Brahmaputra fired, destroying the Raritan. "Uhh... Hello." Dr. Browning said as she walked into Genesee Memorial Hospital, the place where the disguised Vorta had been taken. "My name is Dr. Janice Browning." The motioned to Brian. "This is my assistant, Dr. Brian Issac." "And..." The receptionist said. "We wish to examine the murder victim who was brought here earlier this week." Brian said. "That's top level clearance only." Said the receptionist. "Would you believe that we are top level clearance?" Browning asked. "No." "Well we are." "We that's a little hard to believe." Brian took out a hypospray and injected something into the receptionist. "What was that?" Browning asked as the receptionist weavered with a happy grin. "Tequila." Brian smiled as the two walked into the hospital's hallways. They got into an elevator containing another doctor. "Which floor is the morgue on?" Browning asked the doctor. "Fifth." The doctor responded. "I hope they didn't get to autopsy the Vorta yet, the internal organ arrangements would confuse them." Brian whispered. "Hold it right there." The doctor drew a Dominion phaser. "Don't tell me: Jem'Hadar?" "Cardassian." The doctor said. "Close enough." "You must be from those Federation ships." The Cardassian said. "What was your first guess?" Browning snapped. "You, shorty," He shouted at Brian. "Stop the elevator." "What did you call me?" Brian asked. "Shorty." The Cardassian said. "Now move it!" "Uh oh..." Browning backed into a corner. "No one... calls... me... SHORTY!!" Brian jumped at the Cardassian, wrestling the phaser from his hands and bashing his head against the elevator wall. The elevator had stopped and the doors opened right in front of the children's ward. Two nuns were peering out of the doors at Brian and Browning, having been in the ward to do charity work. "Take that you god damn bastard! F*** off and burn in hell you f***ing piece of shit!" Brian screamed as he strangled the Cardassian. The Cardassian was unconscious. Brian looked around nervously as several nuns and childred walked into the hallways. "He... uh... said he didn't like Jesus." Brian said. "Oh." The nuns turned back into the wards. "Sister Catherine, what's a f***ing piece of shit?" A little girl asked the nun as the elevator continued to the fifth floor. On the other side of the country, Liz and Jaroch made their way into the Griffith Observatory. Sensors aboard the Banshee, Explorer and Secondprize had been effected by both combat and time travel. While short-range sensors were available, only a radio telescope could track the Veraka's gamma emissions. Meanwhile, Rain was busying herself with a game of Connect Four on the computer. The computer won. "Aww man!" The doors opened as Liz and Jaroch walked in. "Great, here are two more nutballs." Rain muttered. "Excuse me, miss..." Jaroch smiled. "Robinson. What?" Rain asked. "Could we, by chance, use your radio telescope?" "What for?" Rain suddenly remembered Ms. Hanock. "We just need to track some..." "Don't tell me. Gamma emissions." Rain smiled. "How..?" "Who are you and what do you have to do with that creepy woman named Ms. Hanock?" Rain demanded. "Hanock?" Liz asked. "You've met Hanock?" "She wanted to use the telescope too. What are you looking for that lets out gamma emissions?" Jaroch turned to Liz. "The Veraka must be damaged. She must be trying to use the telescope to locate the Banshee, Secondprize and Explorer." He said. "What the hell is going on here?" Rain asked. "Miss Robinson, are you familiar with someone by the name of Tom Paris?" Liz asked. Rain's mouth dropped open. "You're those people he works with! Those people from outer space." Liz pointed to Jaroch. "He's from outer space, I'm a human. But we are both time travelers." Rain shook her head and paced the room. "I can't believe this is happening! Why me? Why is it me who always finds these Jerry Springer rejects!?" "Miss Robinson," Jaroch said, "can I call you Rain?" "Sure." Rain moaned. "We are here from the future not by choice. We were chasing an enemy warship called the Veraka, commanded by Hanock, when there was an accident that sent us back in time." Rain looked at Liz and Jaroch. "Uh huh." "And now we're trying to find them without contaminating the time-line any further so we can all go home with minimal consequences." Rain paused. "What have you two been smoking!?" Jaroch looked offended. "We need your help. Unless you WANT the planet overrun by genetically engineered soldiers called Jem'Hadar and little gray scaly people called Cardassians." "What do you want me to do?" Rain asked. Jaroch smiled. "Maybe we could discuss this over dinner?" "I guess. "Good, there's a nice little Italian place not far from here." Jaroch said. "Jaroch," Liz said, "That won't be built for another century." "Fine, I know this great place in New Orleans." Jaroch said. "It's called Sisko's Creole Kitchen." "God this thing stinks!" Browning held her nose as she lifted up the sheet covering the Vorta. "And for god's sake, put some underware on him!" "Doctor, the Vorta's over here." Brian said as he looked at another body. "According to the papers, that's just a middle aged, transvestite, cannibalistic, satan worshiping rapist." "Excuse me." Browning dropped the sheet and ran into the bathroom. Brian moved the dead Vorta onto a wheeled table as wretching sounds came from the bathroom. Browning emerged. "So much for that chili, nachos and two blueberry pies I had for lunch." "Help me get him out of here." Brian said. "We have to get him out of here, this buildings brick components makes transporters many time more unreliable. "Why not just vaporize the body?" Browning asked. "Because I left my phaser on the ship!" The two took ends of the Vorta and began to wheel him out head first. "Do I have to have the feet?" Browning complained. "They really smell." Brian threw the door open as the wheeled the Vorta out into the hallway. They made their way a few feet when they were stopped. "What are you doing?" A nurse walked up to Brian. "Patient transfer to intensive care." Brian said. "But this patient is dead." The nurse said. "It's that attitude that has kept you a nurse for so long!" Browning said as they continued down the hallway. "Are you authorized to take a body from the morgue?" The nurse followed them. "Are you?" "No, now answer the damn question!" "I don't like your tone of voice, nurse." Brian said. "And I have a good mind to report you to the head nurse for bother a doctor while he's working." "Are you even a doctor? Where did you go to school?" "Harvard." Browning and Brian said in unison. "Oh, go right on ahead." The nurse ran off, then turned. "Now why would Harvard graduates be working in a crappy hospital like this?" They began walking through a waiting room for surgery check ins. "This place is a dump!" She shouted. Everyone in the waiting room stared at the nurse. "Except the surgical department." Brian and Browning ran ahead and put a communicator on the dead Vorta. "Browning to Explorer, can you get a lock on the Vorta?" Browning asked. "Yes, would you like it beamed into oblivion?" Lieutenant Megan Hartly said. "Yes. Energize." The Vorta, complete with cart, vanished. The nurse finally caught up with them. "Now where is the body?" The nurse asked. Brian shrugged. "What body?" "But there was..." "We have no idea what you're talking about." Browning said. "Perhaps you should go home and get some rest." "Yes." The nurse walked off. "Maybe I should." Charlotte awoke to hear people talking. "He's not human." One voice said. "Of course not, you moron! Look at his ears!" Another voice responded. "And those eyebrows and green scabs!" "Where am I?" Charlotte asked. "The woman is awake." The first voice said. "No duh!" The second voice quipped. "How the hell did you get hired here!?" "I slept with someone who would put a good word in for me." "Who?" "Janet Reno." "EWWWW!" Charlotte saw two pasty white looking people standing over her. "What should we do with her?" The first person, whose nametag read Richardson said to the second person, who was named Sanford. "Well what do we know about her?" Sanford asked. "Well according to our bodily probes, she's experience sexual intercourse at least 5364 times." Richardson said. "Whoa, maybe we should make it 5366." Sanford suggested. "And what about the alien?" "I don't do guys." "No, I meant what should we do with him?" "Oh, well what about dissection?" Sanford asked. "Too messy. Besides, we'd get green all over these nice lab coats." Richardson and Sanford started to walk away. "Well we would use latex gloves." "No you wouldn't. You hate latex. You don't even wear condoms." "Why should I? I never have sex?" "Good point." The doors shut behind the two as they continued their petty bickering. "Idiots." Charlotte sat up, her arms and feet bound. "Velorn." She said. "Velorn!" The Vulcan finally stirred. "Where are we?" "I'm not sure, but I think we're in an old army laboratory." Charlotte looked around. "Isn't that..?" "It looks like Quark, the bartender of a bar on Deep Space Nine." Velorn said. He used is Vulcan strength to break his bindings and free Charlotte as well. "Hmmm..." Charlotte said. "This must be that secret military installation called Area 51." Velorn walked over to a tray of items. "It is illogical to leave our equipment in the same room as we." "Have you heard those two?" Charlotte said as she strapped on her phaser. "Somehow I doubt logic is one of their top priorities." "I see your point. So how do you intend on leaving this place?" "We have to find those two shuttlecraft and get them out of here." Charlotte said. "And we have to do it discreetly." She opened the door and an alarm went off. "Crap!" Axik sat on the bridge of the Banshee. "Commander, we are detecting an incoming Keldon-Class warship." Rayhan said. "On screen." She stood up. A large, very mean looking warship was nearing the three ships. "Computer, locate Captain Vorezze." "Captain Vorezze is with Captain Baxter and Captain Rydell on the planet's surface." The computer said. "Where?" "Unknown." Axik groaned. "Where could they possibly be?" The three Captains sat in a booth at Hooters, holding a 'Captains- Only Meeting.' "I really think we need to have more meetings like this." Baxter said. "I'll say." Rydell drooled. Vorezze purposely dropped his com-badge. "Excuse me, miss, could you get that for me?" He asked. The waitress leaned over to pick up the communicator. As the three captains craned their necks to get a better look, they sat what looked like a Dominion phaser concealed in her chest. "Uh oh." Baxter said. The woman reached into her shirt and pulled out the weapon, blasting into the captain's table. "Hey, that was a pretty good meal!" Vorezze protested. By now, the other people in the restaurant were... confused to say the least as the place became engulfed in utter chaos. Not far down the street, Commander David Riley from the Banshee was walking slowly, admiring the New York City skyline. He had only seen pictures of this famous city and it had been destroyed in the third world war. As he walked, an African-American wearing baggy clothing with the word "Tommy" written in various locations walked up to him. Dave assumed that was his name. "My brotha', was' up?" He asked. Dave raised his eyebrow. "Excuse me? Am I related to you?" "Forget you!" The man walked away. Dave shrugged it off as he continued walking. He soon became conscious of another very large, very mean looking, very heavily armed looking person walking behind him, slowly gaining. Dave was beginning to wonder if he should have replicated some more casual clothing instead of a fine suit. The person continued to gain. He now held a gun in his hand, though such a sighting was not uncommon in New York. Perhaps he was taking the subway. Dave was regretting not taking a phaser with him, or a personal force field for that matter. A photon grenade would decapitate him nicely. The chief engineer had now wandered into a dead end alleyway with the man standing at the entrance. "Your wallet." The man held up the gun. 'A mugging!' Dave thought with a somewhat odd sense of excitement. He was living what people in the 24th century never experienced. Street crime! 'If I hand over my wallet, I will be fine.' He thought. 'Wait a second. I don't carry a wallet. Uh oh.' "Would you believe I don't have my wallet with me?" Dave asked. "No, now gimme the wallet or I'll shoot yo' ass off!" 'Can't I encounter a non-stereotypical twentieth centuryer?' Dave thought. "I told you, I don't have a wallet!" "You trippin'!" The mugger said. "Now gimme the f***ing wallet!" "I don't have one!" Dave screamed. "Then I'll have to get if from you myself!" The man raised his gun to shoot. Dave prepared for the end when the building's side door opened and a figure who looked surprisingly like Captain Baxter came flying through, knocking the mugger into a dumpster. Wait, that WAS Captain Baxter. "Thank you, Captain!" Dave said. Baxter looked around, confused. "Glad I could help." He said. The disgruntled Cardassian waitress ran out into the alley. "Die, Human!" She screamed, pointing the weapon at Baxter. "Hey!" Dave shouted, trying to snatch the phaser from the woman. "He just saved my life, so don't be mean!" As they struggled, the phaser went off, sending a white ball of light into a passing overhead plane, hitting near the fuel tanks. "I'm sure they'll be fine." Dave shouted as TWA Flight 800 took to the sky. Baxter grabbed the Cardassian woman from the other side. She turned with rage and thrust her knee up between Baxter's legs. Hard. While Baxter fell the the pavement in a high-pitched wimper, Dave took the advantage by slamming the woman into the wall, causing her to drop her phaser. Dave picked it up and aimed it at her. "And you think you can beat the Federation!" He fired, vaporizing her. By now, the mugger had woken up and was none to happy, even though he saw Baxter laying on the ground, wimpering. "That's it!" He shouted. "You're dead!" He stood near the wall, aiming his gun at Dave. Captain Vorezze opened the side door, knocking the mugger into the street. "Everything all right out here?" Dave and Vorezze glanced into the street. The mugger was just sitting up as a horn honked. "AHHHHHH!" He screamed as a street sweeper ran him over. "Eeelllcccchhh." Jad said. "That was messy." He glanced down at Baxter, who was letting out a constant high-pitched moan. "I won't even ask." Since Rain knew anyway, what was the harm in using transporters to get her and Jaroch to New Orleans for some good old fashioned Creole food? "Anything else?" The waiter, who looked surprisingly like Ben Sisko, asked. "No." Jaroch smiled as he began sucking the flesh out of a crayfish. "I'm fine." Rain said as she stared down in disgust at her jambalaya. "Now what do you need me for?" "We need to track some gamma emissions from the Veraka near the planet Jupiter. If we can find it, we can destroy it and go home." "So you're from outer space?" Rain asked, changing the topic. "Yup." Jaroch said. "From the planet Yyns to be exact. In fact, I have several past lives inside of me somewhere." "Cool." Rain smiled at the alien across from her. "So what about your ship?" "It's called the Secondprize. It's what's called and Excelsior- Class starship, moderately powerful but still pretty nice. I'm the head scientist." Rain found Jaroch both fascinating and maybe even a little exotic. He was an alien, after all. "Tell me more." The two continued to talk, increasing Rain's interest in Jaroch. "Is that better?" Counselor Peterman asked as Captain Baxter settled down in the Explorer's command chair, sitting on an ice pack. "Yes, thank you." Baxter said weakly. He looked around. "Where is Commander Conway?" "Hopefully writhing in agony in a boiling hot tank of coffee." J'Hana mumbled. "We all hope that, but where is he?" Baxter asked. Everyone shrugged. "That's just great. Somebody find him!!" "Sir, the warship is getting closer." Ford said. "Red alert, then." Commander Conway lay in a quivering heap outside Starbucks, atop a mountain of empty styrofoam cappuccino and latte cups in a complete caffine rush. "Stop, US Army!" An old looking man in a general's uniform said. "Bite me!" Charlotte shot back with her phaser. "The shuttles are just ahead in the hangar bay." Velorn said as he read the data off his tricorder. "Hey, stop!" A geeky looking scientist who looked strangely like the android Data, said. "Move it, four eyes!" Charlotte shouted as she shoved the scientist out of the way. "Ow ow ow ow ow..." The scientist said as a dozen soldiers ran over him with their army boots. "Computer, begin launch sequence." Charlotte shouted as she and Velorn ran into the hangar. The two shuttles, one a type 9, the other a type 6, lit up and prepared for departure. Two more soldiers ran into the room, followed by the general and the squad behind him. "Engage!" Charlotte shouted as she ran onto the Letterman. "Engage!" Velorn said as he ran onto the Carson. The two shuttles took off, followed by several jet fighters. "Velorn, we might be in trouble." Charlotte warned. "What logic gave you that idea?" Velorn asked. "No crap we're in trouble!" "Is that a hint of emotion in your voice, my fine Vulcan?" "No, it's a hint of fear." Velorn shouted. "Fear is an emotion." "Just shut up!" Velorn snapped. A missle exploded just off of the Letterman. "Grrr... that's it, no more Miss Nice Escapee." The Letterman dropped speed falling behind two of the fighters and shooting them with its phasers. "Setting a course back to the Banshee." Charlotte said. "I'm with you." Velorn said as the Carson trailed the Letterman. "Not by choice, mind you." "Pursuit course, engage!" Baxter ordered. The Explorer dropped into Earth's atmosphere, chasing after the Keldon as it headed towards the Atlantic Ocean area. The heat and humidity was quite intense as the crowd milled around the Spaceship Earth. A bank of large, black storm clouds was forming on the horizon, threatening to ruin a nearly perfect day. Something else would do it for them. It started as a slight rumble, growing louder and louder. The crowd looked up as an orange, arrow shaped object pierced the sky with alien writing on it. It disappeared into the storm clouds. "What the f*** was that!?" A Micky Mouse screamed as he shot up, dropping the small child on his knee to the hot pavement. There was another sonic boom as a larger vessel, this one smoother with a large saucer and glowing blue engines raced after the other ship, also vanishing in the clouds. "What was that?" Was the question being shouted in a jumble by almost every member of the crowd. "I saw something on the second ship." A man shouted. "What was it?" A woman asked. "What did it say." "It said USS Explorer, United Federation of Planets on the side." "Shit!" Another man shouted. A few glanced over at him. "Who are you?" The woman asked, staring at his odd clothing. The man was dressed in black with gray shouders, a dark red undershirt, four pins on his collar and a chevron on his chest. "My name is Alex. Alexander Rydell." The man responded. "And I think we might be in more trouble than we realize." "Fire!" Baxter ordered as the Explorer and the Keldon cleared the Florida peninsula. The two massive vessels swerved through the storm clouds and the half-kilometer Explorer charged forward, phasers blasing golden blasts of energy over the Keldon's hull. The warship did a U-Turn, opening fire with its Galor-Class plasma banks, turning the Explorer's shields to a blaze of fire. The Explorer pivoted between two large clouds and unleashed the Defiant-Class phaser banks as the storm intensified. "The Keldon's shields are too powerful." J'Hana said. "We have to find something else to hit them with." "Captain." Larkin said. "If we recalibrated the deflector to emit a low level positron pulse, we might get a desirable effect." "Forget the technobabble, just do it!" Baxter shouted. A soft glow came from the Explorer's deflector dish, engulfing the Keldon. In one great spark, seven bolts of lightning came raining down from the clouds, which, in concert with the Explorer's phaser fire, blasted the ship into a rain of fire. Captain Rydell looked for an off-to-the-side area of the EPCOT center to communicate with the Banshee. He spotted a small alleyway behind the Horizons pavilion and ran into it, only to find a Micky and Minnie Mouse sucking the cheese out of the other's mouth. "Oops, sorry." Rydell ran to an alleyway opposite of the one he was in. "Rydell to Banshee." "Vorezze here." "I was trying to track down one of the last undercover Dominion agents on Earth when the Explorer and a Keldon-Class warship flew overhead." "You're point being?" "They saw both ships clearly. This is a problem." "Just try to convince them it was part of a laser light show." Rydell shrugged. "Okay. Rydell off." The tricorder Rydell had in his pocket suddenly started beeping as one of the Seven Dwarves walked by. "Vorta." He mumbed, then tackled Dopey, beating him with a nearby rock. "Mommy! Mommy!" A little girl shouted. "That man is killing Dopey!" The head fell off and Rydell saw that it was a regular Human, not a Vorta. "Oops." Rydell said as park security began to run towards him. "I thought you were someone else." He ran to the gate. "Rydell to Secondprize, one to beam up!" "Stamp your hand to get back in!" A worker at the gate shouted as Rydell darted out into the parking lot and vanished. Jaroch and Rain crashed into Rain's bedroom back in L.A., their lips locked and landing on her bed. "You know, I've never done this with someone from outer space before." Rain said. "Is yours in the same place as a Human's?" Jaroch looked almost offended. "Yes." He smirked. The continued their kissing, when Jaroch's eyes suddenly glazed over. "Wench, bend to the will of the might J'Ter!" Jaroch/J'Ter shouted as he pinned Rain to the bed. "Hey, that's not funny!" Rain shouted as she pushed Jaroch off of her. "I am J'Ter, great warrior and great lover!" "I think you better leave!" Rain opened her bedroom door. "But..?" "GO!" She shouted. Jaroch/J'Ter scuffed out of Rain's apartment. After making sure he left, Rain turned back into her home, only to see that several tall, dinosaur-like men and Ms. Hanock, with really big ears, standing there. "What the..?" Rain asked. "Take her!" Hanock shouted. Several Jem'Hadar grabbed Rain and transported to the Veraka. Dr. Issac walked into EPCOT after being summoned by Captain Rydell. "Hello little boy!" Goofy walked up to Brian. Brian glared at Goofy. "I'm not a little boy, you FREAK!" He could pass for one, though. "Would you like me to sing you a song?" Goofy asked. "What would possess a grown man to do this for a living? Surely there is some underlying cause for such a fascination." "Well, I was watching a Goofy movie when Mommy cut Daddy's head off and threw it out the window." Goofy broke down into a sobbing heap. Brian walked off to treat the hurt dwarf. "They've taken Rain!" Jaroch shouted as he stormed onto the Secondprize's bridge. "How can they take rain, it's falling water?" Dillon asked. "Rain Robinson, a woman who I just got back from a date with." "Who has taken her?" Rydell asked. "The Dominion, they've taken her aboard the Veraka!" Jaroch screamed. "We have to find her! We have to get her back!" "What do you want us to do? Board the Veraka and get her back?" Hawkins laughed. Jaroch stared at her. "Dear god." "Captain's log, Alexander Rydell, USS Secondprize: Commander Jaroch has insisted on retrieving his would-be girlfriend from a very powerful Dominion warship, so we have coordinated an attack plan to board the Veraka and destroy it. Thankfully, we have hunted down all the Dominion agents on Earth, and all that's left now is to destroy the Veraka and everyone can go home." The Banshee and Explorer came about, sheilds up and phasers, both regular and Defiant-Class, concentrating on a single location of the Veraka's shields. The Secondprize took up a position far away, shields down and ready for the next step of the plan. Jaroch, Dillon and Hawkins stood in the transporter room of the Secondprize, waiting for the signal. "Rydell to transporter room 2, the hole has been punched in the Veraka's shields." "Energize." Jaroch said. The three materialized in a dark corridor deep inside the Veraka. "This way." Hawkins said, motioning in the direction of a Human lifesign. "We're coming, Rain." Jaroch said. The bridge of the Banshee shook as Captain Vorezze asked "Are we ready to deploy the weapon?" "We should. Our cargo bay is ready to deploy the prism." Axik said. "Get down!" Hawkins shouted as a barrage of Jem'Hadar phaser fire rained down the hallway. "This girlfriend of yours better be worth it!" Dillon shouted as he shot back, hitting a Jem'Hadar and knocking him down. "Federation soldiers," Hanock's voice said over the comm, "Surrender now and we'll be merciful. Only a month of inhuman torture." Hawkins stood up, holding down the fire button and weaving the beam through the hallway, mowing down the Jem'Hadar. "BITE ME!" She screamed as they ran down the hallway. Rain looked around nervously as the Veraka rocked and her door sparked open. Jaroch ran in. "Rain!" Rain looked disinterested. "Oh, it's you." "Look, I'm sorry for what happened the other night. That was one of my past lives that I have a hard time controlling." Jaroch said. "I love you, Rain!" Rain looked stunned. "You do?" "Yes!" Rain and Jaroch embraced for a whiled, then Hawkins tapped them on the shoulder. "Jaroch, we gotta go." "Jaroch to Secondprize, energize!" The four vanished in a swirling flash of light. "The Secondprize reports that they have retrieved Ms. Robinson from the Veraka." Vince said on the Banshee's bridge. "Launch the prism." Vorezze said. A small prism floated between the Banshee and Explorer. "Hail the Veraka." Vorezze said. Hanock appeared on the viewer. "Hey Hanock, remember that weapon you tried to destroy the Rameses with back on Tolkein III but I blew it up instead?" "Yeah." Hanock said. "This will be far more painful." The transmission ended. The two ships concentrated every phaser beam it could muster from every array into the prism, unleashing a powerful phaser beam that ripped into the Veraka, blasting the ship apart in a violent blast of fire and sparks. Rain and Jaroch stood at the entrance to Rain's apartment. "You have to leave?" Rain asked. "Yeah." Jaroch nodded. "Well, can you leave tomorrow instead of tonight?" Rain asked hopefully. "I think I can arrange that." Jaroch smiled as he walked into Rain's apartment. "Found him." J'Hana walked onto the Explorer's bridge, nearly dragging Conway with her. "Where was he?" Baxter asked, finally able to stand up without severe pain. "Starbucks." J'Hana resumed her post at her station. "Well this time is the height of the designer coffee revolution." Conway protested, still jittery from the caffine rush. "Goodbye." Jaroch said to Rain the next morning. J'Ter had decided not to come out that last night, thankfully. "I must say, you're probably the oldest person I've ever been involved with." Rain looked both confused and insulted. "In my year, you'd about five hundred years old." Jaroch smiled. Rain laughed. "Well, goodbye." Her eyes watered. "I'll never forget you." Jaroch said. "Jaroch to Secondprize. One to beam up." Jaroch vanished in a glittering stream of energy. STARDATE 52212.9 TERRAN SYSTEM Six ships and a runabout faded into the vastness of time, only to come out of it seconds later. "Report." Captain Vorezze said. "From what we can tell, there have been almost no changes in the time line." Liz said, examining her display readouts. "But according to satellite readings, a Jem'Hadar raider housing a Vorta and a Jem'Hadar left time-warp earlier and warped off to Cardassian space. It matched the ID of the raider that was housed aboard the Veraka." "Hanock and Crotel?" Vorezze asked. "Most likely." Liz said. "Something tells me that's the last we've seen of her." Vorezze sat back down. "At least we can know that she won't come back with a bigger ship. Set a course for Section Thirty-One starbase theta 47, warp nine." "Course laid in." "Engage." DOMINION HEADQUARTERS CARDASSIA PRIME "I must say I'm very disappointed in you, Hanock." Weyoun said. "You lost one of the most powerful warships in the Dominion Fleet." "I apologize, Weyoun." Hanock said. "Do not." Weyoun said. "For I have another task for you. I am in need of your services." "You're going to give me another ship?" Hanock asked. "No, the other services." "Oh." Hanock said as she began to unzip her outfit. Jaroch walked up to the door of an apartment belonging to one Miss Regina Robinson. He knocked and the door was answered by a woman who looked just like Rain. "Hello, can I help you?" She looked at the man in a Starfleet uniform. "Commander..." "Jaroch. I, uh, don't know how to say this." Jaroch said. "Do you know much about your late twentieth century ancestor?" "Yes." Regina smiled. "Why." "Let's just say I knew her very well." Jaroch said. "Have a nice day." Regina, somewhat confused, closed the door to the apartment. She paused, remembering some mysterious lover of her ancestor's who was responsible for her great great great great grandfather's birth. She paused, then shook her head. "Nah."