Star Traks: Banshee "Cupid's Arrow" By Brad Dusen A warm updraft blew up the sides of the Great Temple on Voran. Sorinak stood on the 138th floor balcony, overlooking the Voran capital of Tirixa. His aid, Teknav, appeared from seemingly out of nowhere. "Is there anything I can do for you, your mentally unstableness?" "No." Sorinak said. He stared up at the grid that cut between the auroras in the Voran sky. The grid was actually a series of space stations that circled the planet in an inter- twined net. "You seem... depressed." Teknav said. "With good reason." Sorinak said. "Marixa left me." "Your fiancee?" "Yes." "Any chance that you could get her back?" "No, I ordered her killed this morning." Sorinak turned. "My agents said that it was quite messy." "How lovely." Teknav cringed. "May I ask why she left you?" Sorinak looked down. "I simply lost interest." "Uh huh." Teknav gave Sorinak a suspicious look. "Not for those reasons." Sorinak turned back to the stars. "I need someone who is smart, cunning and beautiful. But there are no females in the galaxy who fit that criteria." "If you insist." "I'm simply better than everyone." Sorinak sighed. "I should probably learn to live with it." "It is now 0200 hours." The computer announced as Dr. Liz Lang wandered through the arched hallways of the Banshee. Seemingly no one was out at this time of night; people were either sleeping or on duty. Liz then noticed Commander Burns headed towards her quarters with a large, furry creature following her. "Hello Liz." Charlotte said. "Hello Commander." Liz responded. She looked at the creature. "One question: pet or date?" "I won't dignify that with a response!" Charlotte marched down the hallway into her quarters. The creature followed. "Perhaps it's better that way." Liz muttered as she walked into the turbolift. "Deck 9." She said. Despite the time, Liz wasn't tired. She was simply bored. One would think that the head scientist aboard a Federation starship would have non-stop action and things to do, projects to work on. Simply put, she was incredibly bored. She found some amusement watching the yellow dot representing the lift move slowly across the cross-section of the Banshee on a display positioned in the back of the lift. It finally came to a stop. After a few more minutes of walking, Liz arrived in the Twilight Zone. It was completely deserted. "Where is everyone?" She asked. There wasn't even a bartender on duty. "They are in bed or on duty." The computer said. "Much as you should be, Doctor Lang." "Great, the computer is starting to sound like my mother." She groaned. "Affirmative. This unit is equipped with the computer subroutine 'Overbearing Mother, version 2.'" The computer said. "I'm going to have to have a talk with Commander Riley." Liz said as she walked out of the lounge. "Are there any members of the command crew who aren't asleep?" "Commander Rachow is awake in his quarters." "Are there any members of the command crew who I can stand who aren't asleep?" "Lieutenant Carn is awake on the bridge." "Thank you." Liz said, walking into a turbolift. The turbolift arrived at the bridge. Liz walked out, only to be greeted by three junior officers monitoring tactical, helm and ops. No one else was manning the bridge at the moment. "Computer, you told me Carn was on the bridge." "Oops." The computer said. "My bad." "Errr!" Liz growled as she walked back into the turbolift. Liz walked into her quarters. "Hello, Zeke." She said to her pet hamster. Zeke proceeded to look up, then return to his nest of pine shavings. "Computer, is there anything to do at this time of night?" "Negative." The computer said. "What about the holodecks, or the gyms?" "The holodecks are off-line for maintenance and the gyms are not populated." "Swimming pools?" "The swimming pools are undergoing their monthly chlorination. No swimming for the next two days." Liz paced her quarters. They were similar to those on a Galaxy-Class, but the furnishings were more like recent Federation ships, such as the Intrepid-Class and it had the warm gold toned walls and blue carpets like the rest of the Banshee and there were no colored blocks in the ceiling support struts. "Is there anything to do?" Liz asked. "The best option would be to sleep." "But I'm not sleepy." "Then that's your tough luck." "Why are you so mean?" Liz asked. "This unit uses the 'Wise-Ass version 5.2' subroutine." The computer responded. Liz shook her head as she punked down on her couch. She noticed a PADD sitting on her coffee table and picked it up. "The subspace party line. Nonstop action and fun 25 hours a day. Join now, subspace frequency 82236. Only 1 slip of latinum a minute." Liz paused before setting down the PADD. "Computer, access subspace frequency 82236 and place any charges on my military account." Liz did have a lot of money, since Starfleet gives its officers a yearly 'salary' of credits and she hasn't spent any in years. "Welcome to the Subspace Party Line." A seductive voice said. "Thanks." Liz said dryly. "Hello, is anyone out there?" A man's voice asked. Liz paused, listening to the voice. It sounded almost sexy. "Yes." She answered. "Why hello there. I'm assuming you are a female." The voice said. "Yes." Liz responded. "And I'm assuming that you're a male." "I can send you pictures to prove it." The voice said. Liz could tell that whoever she was talking to was probably wearing a demonic smile, though most likely little of anything else. "That's quite all right." Liz said. "I don't think my captain would appreciate that. The tactical officer might be another story." "Oh, you're a crewmember. Have any lonely nights in space?" "Most of them are." Lang quipped. "Ooooh. What are you wearing?" "A Starfleet uniform." The voice paused. "Human?" "Yes. I'm the head scientist on board the starship Banshee." "The Banshee. I've heard about that ship." "We're fairly popular throughout the galaxy, despite the fact that we're not supposed to exist." The man paused again. "So tell me some other things about you." "Like I said, I'm human. I'm blond with curly hair, about 5'7"." "Oooh, tell me more." Liz smiled. This night may turn out to be productive after all. "Three hundred bricks of gold-pressed latinum!?" Captain Vorezze shouted as he read a subspace bill from Section Thirty- One headquarters. "I'm sorry, Captain." Dr. Lang said as she sat in the captain's ready room. "You're sorry?" The captain tried to calm himself. "You don't have three hundred bricks of gold-pressed latinum in your account, therefore I'll have to dip into petty cash to pay off the debt." "I got carried away." Liz expained. "Just tell me what the hell you were talking about ALL NIGHT LONG!?" "I met this really thoughtful guy." Liz said. "We just... clicked." "Unfortunately you didn't click off the subspace line. I would have granted you access to the communications system if you simply asked." "But he wouldn't tell me where he was from. He just said he was from somewhere in the Beta Quadrant." "So for all you know, you could have been having a heart-to- heart discussion with a Klingon." Jad paused. "Of course, somehow I doubt there are many of them who go on a lonely-hearts subspace radio chat." "Well he said he'd meet me soon." Liz smiled. "Let me get this straight." Vorezze leaned back in his ready room chair, leaning the back against one of the support struts. "You know next to nothing about this guy and you're going to meet him." "I told him which ship I served on, so he could find us." Liz explained. "That way I could meet him under our tight security system. If he tried anything I didn't like, I'd have Dan bust his horny little hide down to the brig." "I'd be more worried about you busting his horny little hide. For all you know, this guy could be seventy year old transvestite Breen who is positioned in a remote outpost and hasn't seen another person in a decade." Vorezze paused. "Trust me, I have experience in such incidents. More so than I'd like to have." "Bridge to captain Vorezze." Charlotte said over the comm. "What is it, Commander?" Vorezze asked. "There is a small Voran warship headed towards us, sending out a hail." "I'll be right there." Jad and Liz walked onto the bridge as the Voran warship loomed closer on the viewer. "On screen." Vorezze said. Sorinak appeared on the viewer. "Greetings, starship Banshee. I come in peace." "I'm guessing you're eiter dying or drunk." Vorezze retorted. "Drunk with love, perhaps." "Captain," Liz whispered, "I know that voice. It's the guy I was on subspace chat with last night." "You spent the entire night talking to a 'really thougtful guy' who happens to be the tyrant ruler of a warlike people?" "So it is you, my love." Sorinak said as he looked at Dr. Lang. "My love?" "I'm glad you feel the same way." Sorinak smiled. "Request permission to beam aboard." The captain smiled. "Of course, Warlord Sorinak. In fact, I will have your beloved greet you in transporter room 3. Banshee out." The screen went back to stars "Captain, please!" Liz begged. "Just one torpedo and this whole mess will be over." "Think of this as working off the debt." The captain said. "Now, Doctor, don't keep the Warlord waiting." The transporter rooms, like many other rooms on the ship, resembled the interior of an Intrepid-Class ship with the Sovereign- Class coloration. Liz walked into the transporter room and glanced over at Cellis, the Bolian transporter chief. "I thought you were working in transporter room 2." Liz said. "It's transporter chief exchange day." Cellis explained. Lis huffed as she turned back to the transporter pad. "Energize." In a flash of swirling light, the wiry figure of Sorinak appeared on the pad. He paused looking around, then spotted Dr. Lang. "Oh my love!" He ran over and embraced Liz. "Urk!" Liz groaned as the warlord squeezed her. "Nice to... choke!... meet you." "I'll just leave you two alone." Cellis said as she quickly exited the room. "WAIT!" Liz mouthed as the Bolian retreated. Sorinak finally released her. "I am so happy that we've met!" Sorinak smiled at Liz. "So that we can forge a new life together." "New life..?" "On Voran!" "On Voran!?" Liz asked nervously. "Yes." Sorinak said. "That's why I've come. I've come to take you to Voran, so that we can live together." Liz pulled away. "Look, Warlord, I mean, you're the leader of our blood enemies." She looked back at him. "And you're expecting me to love you?" Sorinak paused. "I can hope, can't I?" "I can't love someone who I'm fighting a war against." After all, I was the one who devised the plan to destroy the Deomis and your spacedocks." "I can put that behind me!" Sorinak dropped to his knees. "I love you, Doctor Lang! Here me out, at least have dinner with me! I'll even bring the food!" If there was one thing that Liz couldn't stand, it was a pathetic Voran. "All right." She said. "I'll have dinner with you. Meet me in my quarters at 2000 hours." "You won't regret this!" Sorinak smiled as he skipped onto the transporter pad. Liz walked over to the controls and beamed him away. "Too late." She muttered. "Help me!" Liz shouted to Emily as she paced her quarters with less than an hour to go before her date. "Can't we leave at maximum warp, or blow up their ship, or something!?" "I'm just the counselor." Emily retorted. "Captain Vorezze said that I can't have any control over the ship until I promise not to blow up any Vulcan ships just because they look like Satan." "Some counselor you are!" Liz said. "Why not give him some." Charlotte suggested from the couch. "Then he'd never leave me alone! It only works for you because guys are usually traumatized afterwards." Charlotte glared at Liz. "How can I turn down the leader of a powerful imperium that wants to see everyone in the Alpha Quadrant DEAD!" Liz paused. "I think I just figured it out." The door chime to Dr. Lang's quarters rang at a minute before 2000 hours. "Enter." Liz said as she emerged from her bedroom wearing an extremely non-sexy dress. Sorinak walked in, followed by two aids and a bodyguard. The aids set a series of plates down on the table, opening them up to reveal dishes that would make Klingon food look appealing. The aids quickly left. "Please, sit." Sorinak smiled, sitting down to his meal. Liz looked down at her meal. It smelled like cheese mixed with burnt grass scent that occasionally drifted out of Commander Rachow's quarters. "What is it?" She asked in utter disgust. "Sauteed Flarn." Sornak said as he slurped what looked like a ligament into his mouth. "A Voran delicacy." Liz remembered the reports she'd read about the species encountered in the Delta Quadrant by some ship called the Aerostar who had been destroyed by the Borg. The Banshee had visited their homeworld when testing ultra-transwarp. "You eat Flarn?" She asked. She found it ironic that Flarn eat Humans but Vorans eat Flarn. "Vorans eat insect, and the Flarn are a very large, very evolved type of insect." Sorinak explained. "And we share a common border in the Delta Quadrant." Liz cringed, pushing her plate in. "I think I'll just replicate a salad later." "Perfect." Sorinak clapped his hands. The aids ran in, taking the plates. The warlord proceeded to remove an object from his robes. It was oddly shaped, but Liz knew what it was. The Voran equivalent of a condom. "Do you intend on using that!?" Liz said in outrage. Sorinak shrugged. "If you want to go bareback, we can." "Get out!" Liz screamed. "But..." "OUT!!!!!!!!" Half a saucer-section away, Commander Rachow looked up from his desktop display in his quarter. "For once it's not addressed to me." He smirked. "Have I offended you in some way, my love?" Sorinak asked. "Yes, now get out!" Sorinak and his bodyguard left. "Head Scientist's Personal Log, stardate 52256.2: The Voran warship Kexan remains floating alongside of the Banshee, despite my repeated turn-downs to Warlord Sorinak. Why he is obessed with me like this is both confusing and frightening. I am running out of options, and any time I ask Captain Vorezze for help he simply bursts out laughing and wanders away." "What am I going to do?" Liz asked Peter as she sat in the Twilight Zone, finishing her seventeenth synthahol scotch. "Won't he just give up?" Peter asked, wiping out a martini glass with his towel before setting it on the display rack in front of the decorative painting of the Banshee. He checked his hair in the mirrors on both sides of the painting with "The Twilight Zone" etched into it, then turned back to Liz. "No, that's the thing." Liz said as she set down her scotch glass. "He's like a leech, he just won't let go. Though I think a leech might have smoother skin." Peter paused to think. "Well what if you claimed that you had another lover?" "That might work." Liz smiled. "But I'd have to find someone who could stand up to Sorinak." Peter smiled. "You'd do that for me?" Liz asked, her heart warmed by the sympathy. "Of course, what are friends for?" Peter smiled, then added under his breath, "Plus, then I might be forced to kiss you." "What?" Liz asked, hearing him say something. "Nothing." Peter said. "Why don't you get Sorinak so we can end this?" Liz smiled. "Gladly." "You wanted to see me?" Sorinak asked slyly as he walked into Dr. Lang's quarters. "Yes." Liz said slyly. "I'm afraid I have a confession." "What is it, my dear." Sorinak took Liz's hand. 'Ewww, he's touching me!' Liz thought. "I have a boyfriend." "Who?" Sorinak was enraged as he shot up. "Who would dare steal away my bride to be!?" "Peter?" Peter walked in. "YOU!" Sorinak bellowed. "What's going on?" Liz asked. "You were the one who ruined my vacation on Kashrikk III!" The Voran lunged forward. "SORINAK!" Liz jumped in front of the disgruntled warlord. "What's going on?" Peter grinned demonically. "That xrishska was a bartender at a vacation club on Kashrikk III when my ex-wife and I went on a vacation there three years ago! He was responsible for breaking up my marriage!" Sorinak screamed. "So sue me." Peter snapped. "I did, but you never showed up!" "Hey!" Liz screamed. "Cut the testosterone for a minute!" "I will fight you for the doctor. Be in the gym on you ship's deck 6 in one hour." Sorinak stormed out of the room. Liz turned to Peter. "So that's why you wanted to do this." Peter shrugged. "What can I say, I wanted to get back at him after he ordered my cat be served at the buffet after his wife followed my advice to seek other partners." "Your cat?" "Mr. Whiskers was a good friend!" Peter sobbed. "There there." Liz said. "Get a hold of yourself." She placed her hand on Peter's shoulder. "Sorry." Peter said. "Well, I'd better go prepare for the fight." "You can't fight him!" Liz said. "Vorans are three times as strong as an average KLINGON!" "Trust me." Peter said. "I know what I'm doing." He walked out. Dr. Lang, Dr. Issac and Commander Smith stood alongside a ring as Peter and Sorinak entered. "Be warned, I am one of the best fighters in the galaxy!" Sorinak called across the ring. "Not for long." Peter called from the other side. The two walked into the ring. "Ready yourself!" Sorinak said, raising his fists. Peter lunged forward, knocking the warlord down. Sorinak sprang back up, swiping at Peter. The bartender ran out of the way, rolling across and hitting Sorinak with his foot. The warlord leaned back, providing Peter the window he'd been waiting for. Peter slammed his foot up between Sorinak's legs as hard as he could. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" Sorinak screamed in a high pitched voice as he cringed up and fell to the floor. "I don't think you'll have to worry about his raging hormones any more." Peter said. Sorinak's aids helped him up and transported back to their ship. "Thank you." Liz said. "Vorezze to Doctor Lang." Jad said over the comm. "What now?" Liz asked. "The Kexan has just pulled away and is heading back to Voran territory at maximum warp." "Consider my debt repaid." Liz said. Jad sighed. "I guess." As Liz walked out, Peter said, "I'm not doing this for you next time someone falls in love with you." "Don't worry, Pete." Liz replied. "I think I can knee people in the genitals myself from now on." NEXT: He's omnipotent. He's cocky. He's a letter. He's Q, and he's on a quest to find his son, who has gone and made the galaxy into his playground in "What a Q-Tee."