Star Traks: Banshee "A Day in the Life Of... Lieutenant Carn" By Brad Dusen 0430 Hours It was almost a surreal sound. The low pitched whooshing sound of matter and antimatter rhythmically combining. All was quiet in engineering as Lieutenant Carn stood at a workstation, busily entering commands into the computer with blinding speed. "Hiya Carn!" Lieutenant Rayhan bounced up behind the android. "Watcha doin'?" "I am attempting to recalibrate the sensor grid. It has become slightly inefficient after several nodes were clogged with dust during our trip through the Horsehead Nebula." "Need any help?" The obviously bored Trill asked. Carn quickly ran a series of complex mathematical computations through his head, determining the likely- hood of Rayhan leaving him alone to work in peace. When the odds came up a few seconds later, Carn turned to Rayhan and said, "Perhaps you could go make us some coffee." "Do androids drink coffee?" Rayhan looked at Carn. "They do now." Rayhan shrugged. "Okay." He scampered over to the replicator. "No no no!" Carn turned. "I only drink the real thing. Go get two cups of coffee from The Twilight Zone." Rayhan grumbled and hurried out. Carn returned to recalibrating the sensor grid. 0435 Hours With a yawn and a stretch, Lieutenant Commander David Riley walked into Engineering, rubbing his face groggily and holding himself up on the guardrails of the warp core. "Good morning, Commander Riley." Carn said quietly from his workstation as he continued the recalibration. Dave yawned again. "What are you doing up so early?" "I do not require sleep and I had too much work to do to power down." Carn said. "However, I do have a request to make of you." "Shoot." Dave walked over to a replicator and ordered a cup of coffee, downed it in one long gulp and walked over to Carn. "For the past several hours, I have heard a rattling noise coming from the back of my head. I believe one of my chips may have come loose. Could you check and see if there is something wrong?" "Sure thing." Dave unscrewed Carn's scalp as the android continued working. "Yeah, the case plating to one of your programming matrixes came off. Hold on, I need to get a tool to put it back on." Dave ran off into his office. Rayhan trotted in holding two mugs of steaming hot coffee. "Here you go, sir." Rayhan set the mug down next to Carn. "Thank you. I shall keep this in storage for later." Carn unscrewed the tip of his pinky finger and stuck it in the coffee, where a suction device took the steaming beverage and sent it into a liquid storage module in his buttocks. "Hey, that was pretty cool." Rayhan said as Carn screwed his fingertip back on. "Thank you, I am glad you appreciated it." Carn resumed his work. "I've always admired your skills, you know that?" Rayhan paced back and forth behind Carn. "No, I did not." Carn said dryly. "Yeah, I always- WAHH!" Rayhan tripped on the step and fell down, hurling his coffee all over Carn's exposed circuits. The android began sparking violently, his voice going out of control. Dave walked back into Engineering and saw Carn laying on the floor with smoke coming from his head. "Oh my god!" He looked at Rayhan. "Good job, Lieutenant, you broke Carn!" "Don't we still have him under warranty?" "No." Dave snapped. 0600 Hours Dr. Issac was standing over him. "Lieutenant, can you here me?" "Docta?" Carn asked. "You seem to be having a problem with your pronunciations." Brian said as Carn sat up. Dave and Rayhan stood nearby. "Yo, der ain't nuthin' wrong with my pronunciation!" Carn huffed. "You appear to be using a different language style subroutine." Brian noted. "That ain't right." Carn sneered. "You're just one screwed up mother f***er. This speech is phat, ah'ight?" "Yes," Dr. Issac took notes down on his PADD, "You seem to be in Ghetto Ebonics Mode right now." "Aww man, that is da' shit right there." Carn shook his head. "I'm not sure how to reverse this effect." Dr. Issac shook his head. "I'll look through his documentation and see what I come up with." "You da' man!" Carn said, pointing at Brian. "Yes..." Brian nodded, "Yes I am." 0630 Hours Captain Velorn clutched a cup of Vulcan herbal tea and sat in the command chair for the end of night duty. Captain Vorezze would come to relieve him shortly. Carn marched onto the bridge. "Good morning, Lieutenant." Velorn said politely. Carn was one of the few people on the ship who Velorn hasn't dreamt of killing before. He somewhat admired Carn's near emotionlessness. "Yo, cap'n, whaddup?" Carn said as he extended his hand for a high-five. Velorn paused, raising an eyebrow at the android. "You seem somehow different today, Lieutenant. Is something the matter?" "Yeah, this is so fucked up, know what I'm sayin'? That little shit Rayhan went and dumped some shittyass coffee on me and it shorted me out. Phssh, that fucker is so dead. I'll bust a cap in his ass." Velorn stared blankly at Carn for a moment. "Indeed..." He stood up. "I'm afraid, however, that there are no caps that you could break into Lieutenant Rayhan's buttocks." "Dat is fucked up right there..." Carn trailed off. Captain Vorezze emerged from the turbolift. "Yes, well, I must be going now. I need to, err, write some reports on that giant mutant spider that's been crawling around deck 24." Velorn dashed off, pushing Vorezze out of the way. "A'ight, we'll talk lata. Peace out!" Velorn rushed to the turbolift. Captain Vorezze ordered a cup of coffee from the replicator. "Yo, Vorezze, m' main man. Was'sup dawg?" Carn approached the captain. Captain Vorezze took a big long swig of coffee as he looked over at Carn. "You know what, Lieutenant? I don't even want to know." He finished it, set the cup on the replicator and walked into his ready room. 0853 Hours Carn strutted into sickbay wearing a large gold chain around his neck that held his communicator badge. "Was'sup Docta I?" Carn asked as he high fived Brian. "I believe I can find a way to reset your personality so that you will begin behaving normally again." Brian said. "Wow, that is da' bomb right there!" "Umm, yes. If you'll come with me, Commander Riley has everything set up." Brian led Carn into a smaller room towards the back of sickbay and sat him down on a stool in the center. Commander Riley wheeled in a large device with what looked like a nozzle on it. "Hold very still, Lieutenant. This should reset your circuitry, I hope." Dave said as he began powering up the machine. Brian glanced over at a status monitor. "We're all set." "Clear!" Dave flipped the machine on and a bolt of electricity arced out between the nozzle and Carn, sending waves of energy coursing through the android's body. After enough smoke had been produced to create the proper dramatic effect, Dave flipped the machine off. "Lieutenant?" There was a low pitched moaning sound coming from Carn, then he looked up. "Oh... dude... wow. That was like, so killer." He said with a ditzy Southern California accent. "That still doesn't sound like Carn." Dave furrowed his brow. "It isn't, the shock only sent him into Burnt Out Surfer Mode." "Dude, man, that was sweet." Carn laughed. "That electricity was just, like, all big and bright, it was so radical." "For the love of Swiss Cheese, shock him again!" Dave pleaded. "We can't, the machine takes time to reenergize." Brian said in a panicked tone. "Oh boy..." Dave sighed. 1036 Hours Commander Charlotte Burns clutched her paintbrush as she laid silvery toned strokes upon the canvas. "Observe the subtle curves of the Lieutenant's body." The art teacher said as he walked through the room and to Carn, who posed in the center of the room completely naked. It was a favor he'd done for the Banshee's art department to pose for the nude body section of the class. "See how one muscle flows into the next, for then is when you can truly appreciate the beauty of the human body." Charlotte started giggling as she began to paint Carn's 'Happy Zone.' "So Carn, Dr. Issac tells me that you are going around acting like a burnt out surfer for some odd reason?" Charlotte said from the first row. "Awww yeah." Carn nodded. "It's like, so gnarly!" Charlotte giggled again? "What?" Carn asked. "You sound like the boyfriend I had when I was stationed in a research station in Southern California. He drove me wild, but we had to say goodbye when I was stationed aboard the Concord." "Bummer." Carn nodded. "Ms. Burns!" The art teacher shouted. "Get to work!" 1130 Hours Class was over and the art students began filing out. Carn was putting his uniform back on when Charlotte slid up behind him. "Hello Carn." Carn jumped, then turned and saw Charlotte. "Oh, hey. What's up?" "Nothing much." Charlotte smiled. "Gnarly." Carn smiled and nodded. "You know you even look like my ex boyfriend too, a little." Charlotte smiled. "That's pretty radical." Carn nodded blankly. "He was a surfer in his free time. Oh the fun we used to have, together, out on the waves, on his board. When I had to leave, I was devastated. I never saw him again." "Yeah, that's a bummer." "Ever since then, I've had this incredible... attraction to surfer dudes." She looked around at the deserted art room. "Radical!" Carn smiled. "Very radical." Charlotte began kissing Carn. 1147 Hours Dr. Issac sat at his desk enjoying a particularly yummy dish of fettuccini alfredo for lunch when the sick- bay doors opened and Carn came stumbling in. "Lieutenant?" Dr. Issac ran up to him as sparks and smoke spurted out from all over the android's body. "Charlotte... naked... surfer... sex... bad... naked... Charlotte... sex..." He collapsed into a smoking heap on the floor. 1400 Hours Carn's vision was a blurred mosaic that suddenly cleared into the image of Commander Riley and Dr. Issac standing over him. "Where am I?" "You're in sickbay, Lieutenant." Lt. Cmdr. Riley answered. "What happened?" "You had sex with Charlotte." Dr. Issac said. The memory of what happened suddenly came back to Carn in perfect clarity. He began sparking and smoking before losing consciousness again. 1456 Hours Carn awoke again to find Commander Riley and Dr. Issac standing over him. "We've erased your memory logs of what happened in the Art Room." Dave said. "You shouldn't be passing out again from the overload." "Thank you, Commander." Carn sat up. "On the plus side, your multiple personalities appear to have subsided." Brian smiled. "I think Charlotte scared them both away." Carn said meekly. "Well you appear to have made a full recovery at least." Brian said as he ran over Carn with a tricorder. "Moreso than I can say for me when I made the mistake you just made." "Excuse me, sir?" Carn was confused. "Umm, nothing. You're free to go." 1700 Hours Carn was on his back in a cramped Jeffries tube doing his 8,456,395th diagnostic of isolinear chip 14-845904chi. He heard the access panel a few meters down the tube open and someone climbing in. "Hello?" A voice called out. "If you are looking for Ensign Betaji's pet gila monster, she's not in this tube." Carn said. "Lieutenant, why are you in here?" Carn saw Commander Riley crawl up the tube and sit down next to him. "I do not wish to emerge." Carn said, completing his 8,456,396th diagnostic. "I have had several problems caused by other people today that have led to damage to my positronic matrix, and I would rather avoid the crew for the rest of the day than risk this trend continuing." "Bad day, huh?" Dave sighed. "That is what a Humans call an understatement." Carn said. Dave glanced at the PADD Carn was holding. "Lieutenant, you've been testing that chip for the past 2 hours, I don't think it's broken." "You never know." Carn shrugged. "Look, I have to install a flow regulator on a conduit and it would be easier if I didn't have to work around you." Dave said as he squeezed past Carn. "Why don't you go lay down in your quarters and lock the door or something?" Carn paused. "Yes, that does sound like a good plan." He folded up his tricorder after completing his 8,456,397th diagnostic. "Thank you, Commander." "No problem." Dave shrugged. Carn slithered out of the Jeffries tube and into the corridor. He nodded politely at a passing ensign and set off for his quarters when an error message suddenly flashed across his matrix. He opened the hatch and climbed back into the tube. "Commander Riley?" "What is it, Carn?" "I don't know where my quarters are." 1730 Hours Carn walked into Dan's security office and found Dan hunched over a battered old book. "Commander?" Carn looked at Dan. Dan's office was dark, lit only by candles positioned on his desk and on the shelves. There were tapestries on the walls and shelves stuffed with books and vials of different multicolored substances, plus various crystals, rocks, decorated sticks and other trinkets and artifacts. "Hold on a second." Dan said. He placed his hands on a large bluish crystal ball and mouthed some words silently. A translucent figure with no legs flew into sight, wailing loudly as it was sucked into the crystal ball. The ball stopped glowing and Dan put it away. "How can I help you?" He put his hands together and leaned forward on the desk. "I have a bit of a dilemma." Carn said. "I don't know where my quarters are." "Yeah, that could be a problem." Dan said as he turned his desktop viewer on. "Computer, access crew quarters assignment chart." Dan studied the chart of what crewmember had what quarters. "Cain, Calcote, Cammisi, Carlson, Caryk..." Dan paused. "Hmmmm, you don't seem to be on here." "The computer did not know where I was supposed to be either." Carn shrugged. "Your crew profile should have it listed. It's probably just a mistake." Dan turned back to the viewer. "Computer, access the profile, of Carn, full Lieutenant." "Unable to comply. There are no officers listed by that name." "Anyone on this ship named Carn then." Dan huffed. "Unable to comply. There are no officers listed by that name in either Starfleet or Section 31." Dan furrowed his brow. "Lieutenant..." "What is it?" "According to this, you don't exist." 1800 Hours "Enter." Carn strode in as Captain Vorezze cued his door to open. "Ah, Lieutenant, what can I do for you tonight?" Carn decided to get right to the point. "Captain... why don't I exist?" Jad furrowed his brow. "I'm afraid I don't under- stand." "Why does the ship's computer say I'm not a listed crewmember?" "Who told you that?" "The computer." Jad paused. "I guess that makes sense." "Sir... what is going on? I do not recall ever having a post on this ship before. I have just always been here to run odd jobs and such." Carn sat down. "And you just now noticed this?" "Actually, yes." Jad sighed and got up. "Lieutenant, what was your previous assignment? I'll have Section 31 contact that ship for information on you." Carn paused. "I am not certain, actually. Should I not remember?" "Yes, you should." Jad turned on his desktop display. "You are dismissed for now, I want to do some research. I will call you when I'm done." Carn nervously got up. "Yes, sir..." 2000 Hours Carn sat stooped over a glass of lubricant in The Twilight Zone. There was a small crowd mingling. Cmdr. Rachow was in the corner, attempting to put the moves on a busty Deltan from the Science department. "So why so glum?" Pete asked as he wiped out a beer mug fresh from the washing machine. "Captain Vorezze is deliberating my fate." Carn sighed. "I see..." Pete put the mug on the shelf under the counter. "What's wrong?" "For some odd reason, I don't exist. I never did before my first memories of being in the warp nacelle control room on this ship a month before it was launched." "Hmmm... that does sound rather interesting." Peter started wiping off the counter. "But think about it this way, things could be worse. You could be having sex with Charlotte, for example." "That was earlier today." Peter's hand slipped and he knocked over a bottle of wine. "Oh my god. I am so sorry!" Peter said to Carn. "If there is anything I can do for you, don't hesitate to ask." Charlotte came out of nowhere behind him and plunked down on the barstool next to him and looked over. "Hey Carny." She said, then licked her teeth. In the dim light, Carn could see pieces of green and brown vegetables and other foodstuffs lodged in her teeth. Carn cringed. "Shoot me now, please." "Oh, so you like being beaten, huh? Well we can arrange that." Charlotte tugged at Carn's arm. "Lieutenant Carn, report to the Captain's Ready Room." Vorezze said over the intercom. "The Rapture is upon me." Carn said happily, then hopped off his barstool and darted out. Charlotte pouted. "Now I have no entertainment for tonight." She looked around the room. "I need to find a new ensign." "You know my stand on that, Commander." Peter said as he hung some wine glasses upside down in the shelving over the bar. "I know, I know. Wait until they've been here at least 1 year before ruining their lives." Charlotte trudged off. 2010 Hours Carn scampered into the ready room, only to be faced with Commander Smith and two security guards. Vorezze sat at his desk with his hands clasped in front of him. "Sit down, please, Lieutenant." Carn did so. "Carn, how much do you know about your creator, Dr. Moong?" Jad asked calmly. The calm in his voice bothered Carn, since the Betazoid tended to normally speak with an exasperated tone. "All I remember is that he stole the research of Dr. Noonien Soong and used it to create me." Jad sighed. "I have done some research on him. He was a Federation scientist who defected to the Dominion when their Alliance with Cardassia was made." "I see..." "You, Lieutenant, were sent here to spy on us and act as an agent on this ship, which, had we not been inducted into Section 31, would have headed up the largest battle unit during the war." "Then why do I not recall that?" Carn raised his eyebrow. "If you'll come with me, Carn." Dan grabbed Carn by the arm and pulled him up. "Where are you taking me??" Carn shouted. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant." Vorezze rose from his desk. "But we can't sacrifice our security for friendship." 2200 Hours "LET ME OUT!" Carn bellowed as he pounded on the forcefield of his cell. "C'mon! I'm trying to sleep." The guard said as he looked up from under the control desk. Carn huffed. "Come on, I'm innocent!!" "That's great, now LET ME SLEEP!" The guard screamed back. Carn took a moment to examine his surroundings. There was a replicator, a cot, and a tank of drinking water. 'Hmmm...' He thought to himself. 'I could use the bed frame to pry off the replicator and splash water on the circuits inside, shorting them out and causing the force field to deactivate.' He glanced over to the exit. 'Or I could just punch a hole through the wall...' Lieutenant Timothy Sullivan had been napping quietly when he heard a loud crash. "Lieutenant, what is it now??" He shouted, then looked up to see a large hole in the back of the cell wall. "Security!" 2230 Hours Carn had been climbing through the Jeffries tubes for quite some time now, making his way slowly but steadily to the control room of the port warp nacelle. "Lieutenant Carn!" Vorezze's voice boomed over the intercom. "Umm, yes, Captain?" Carn replied nervously. "Exactly what are you doing?" Jad asked. "Taking a stroll?" Carn chuckled nervously. "That's all fine and good, but you're supposed to be incarcerated at the moment. Would you kindly report to the brig?" "No." Carn hopped out, finally at his destination: the nacelle control room. The place where his first memories were from. Carn searched around the bays of chips until he found the one he was looking for. He then spun around as a chime-like almost musical tone sounded out behind him. Captain Vorezze, Commander Smith and 4 guards stood there with phaser rifles. "Lieutenant, this has gone far enough." Jad said. "Come with me." "I would be happy to." Carn marched over to Vorezze. "But you just said you wouldn't..." Jad furrowed his brow. "Vorezze to transporter room 3, 7 to beam out." 2400 Hours "Here it is." Dan said as they stood on the bridge, reviewing the contents of the chip: a surveillance video. The image of a construction worker sitting on the computer bench, busily installing a control panel played on the main viewer. Out of nowhere, Carn, clad in a Jem'Hadar uniform, attacked the man. The two wrestled, the man charging at Carn with a metal pole. He was flung against the wall, snapping his neck and killing him, but as he fell, hit Carn, knocking him against an open power conduit. Streams of energy surged through the android's body. His uniform was burnt off and he lay there, inactive. Then he got up and began undressing the corpse of the construction worker. "Okay, this is getting a little too Vince-ish." Ben said as he watched the display. Carn put the uniform on and walked out. "Three hours later, there was a force field failure in that bay." Axik noted as she watched that. "So the body was sucked out into space." Jad stood in silence for a few moments, reviewing what he'd just seen. "So then the power surge cleared Carn's memory banks?" "Yes, and most likely then made him think he was a Starfleet officer." Dave said. Jad thought for a moment. "Lieutenant, you have done nothing but service this crew." "He sure knew how to service me." Charlotte smirked. Carn's neck twitched and sparked slightly before he regained his composure. He pushed the thoughts into the back of his matrix. "Because of this exemplary service record, I am giving you the full commission of Lieutenant." He extended his hand for a handshake. "Oh, and I'm sorry about that whole hunting you down like an animal thing." Carn shrugged and shook his hand. "It's nothing." Dan handed Carn a PADD. "Here is your quarters assignment and official access codes." "Thank you, sir. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I will go and explore my new quarters." "Have a good night, Carn." Jad said. "Thank you, sir. You too." Carn walked into the turbolift, looking at his quarters assignment. "Deck 13." He ordered. He began reading over his PADD. Then he noticed the lack of something. 'Hmmm...' He thought to himself. 'They never told me what my post on this ship is.' He shrugged as the lift went deeper into the ship. 'Eh, I'll find out some other day.'